The Trials & Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

vodkashot

I wrote this today, having a really bad emotional day and have no one else to share this with. Don't want to burden my DH, he's feeling fragile too. I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. Thank you.




I never thought it would be a problem. I never thought that we would have to do what we are doing now. I certainly never thought that once I got pregnant I would lose our baby. I look at lots of people who’ve made it seem so easy, I know that it isn’t for everyone and some people struggle for years before they get pregnant and have a child.
I’m not the broody type which is fortunate, but I would like us to be a family. To me it would complete us. I think my husband would make a wonderful father and I’d be quite a good mother too!
Maybe it will never be our time, not properly. I was a mother, only for 7 weeks. To some people it’s not really a baby at that stage but to me it was my baby, our baby. We dared to dream a little. We talked about the changes to the house we were going to make so everything would be ready for the baby. We actually started making changes.
But then when we lost our baby everything got shelved/postponed. It was the worst day of my life and I think about it everyday. We never made the changes to the house, we stopped making plans, what was the point? Instead we tried again. Another cycle of IVF, more drugs, needles and emotions. I knew we should have waited before trying another cycle but time is not on our side. We pressed ahead with another round of IVF and now I’m in the middle of the dreaded 2 week wait. The second week is always the worse. I feel very emotional and I can’t concentrate. Yesterday I felt like my period was coming, but it didn’t. I am trying to remain positive but I don’t feel pregnant, if you can feel symptoms so soon. I just need to know one way or the other. I hate the waiting it drives me crazy.
If it fails, I’m not sure I want to do this again. I’d rather just get on with my life and stop wondering about what it’s like to be pregnant, to have a baby, to fall in love with your child.
I looked at all sorts of things today, surrogacy, egg donation, adoption. Yes there’s more than one way to have a child but I’m not ready to explore them yet and I don’t know if I ever want to. It’s not ‘my’ plan for having a family.
My heart is not so strong anymore to keep doing this and how long do you go on for? It’s been 3 years already and several thousands of pounds. Do you keep trying in pursuit of a dream which seems to elude you or do you draw a line under it and say enough? I have no idea what this week will bring. I think it’s too much to expect IVF to work 2 times in a row but maybe god will smile on me and my little peanut. I can only pray.

Part_Mouse

Vodkashot my heart goes out to you it really does. I wish I had the answers,we had a mmc at just shy of 9 weeks just over 3 weeks ago. The pain is awful. After so long trying and then finally geting pregnant its so awfully cruel to go through a mc so huge hugs to you.

pinkteapot

Vodkashot, I'm so sorry for your loss. We've been TTC for three years and I'm currently in DR on my first IVF cycle. I can't begin to imagine what it's like for you and Part Mouse and everyone who tries for so long then suffers a mc. Keeping everything crossed that you get your BFP. Don't think now about whether you'd continue with treatment if not. You're grieving your loss and your hormones are all over the place from the drugs. It's not a time to make major decisions. Take one day at a time right now, one hour at a time when you feel really bad, and be as kind to yourself as you can.

Part_Mouse

Vodka feel free to pm me if you want a chat. Pink is right about taking time before making any descisions your bound to be grieving and those are descisions for another day.

Somehow we've been ttc for 7 years,wheres the time gone?

tea_lover

VS - massive hugs for you sweetheart. I have everything crossed for you that this cycle is the magic one, I so want this to work for you xx.

I lost babies after IVF too and it was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever gone through. One of the hardest parts was feeling that no one else really understood it all. All the m/c 'advice' I read and heard seemed to be focused on trying again as soon as possible - just not an option when it's taken so many years and so much effort to get pg in the first place. It also seemed that our babies were just forgotten about. I WAS pg, they were our children, but no one ever, ever mentions them. I'm the only person that seems to remember my babies - they'll be in my thoughts and prayers everyday.

Riiiight... so I'm not sure that massive ramble was in anyway helpful, sorry! Just wanted you to know that you're definitely not alone. In my heart I'm a mother, but I'll never have any children here with me. It's hard.

lisawood78

Agree with all that's been said ref losing a assisted conception child, not of course that I think losing any child is exactly a walk in the park!

One of our rounds of IVF (I've forgotten which one now as we are at number 10!) we had a BFP but we knew something was wrong from the start. Erratic hcg levels and bleeding and some pain. Took almost a month of back and forth to the the clinic and the hospital and then finally a salpingectomy to reveal it was in fact ectopic.

One day things will all fall into place, one day xx

codemonkey

vodkachick, I am so sorry about your loss. I've never managed to get a BFP, but I'm certain that losing a baby after treatment is particularly cruel and unfair. I really hope this cycle is it for you.

Those of you undergoing or starting new cycles, need to move to Chester. Watching Hollyoaks and this is how it works. On Friday you decide on a whim that you want to have a baby when your boyfriend leaves you champagne. You pick up your handbag and go to the doctor without an appointment and return with an appointment for both of you to see the fs for IVF. On Monday you have your appointment, go home and begin injecting. No hanging about for appointments, no tests, no waiting to call on CD1. :rotfl::rotfl:

Part_Mouse

Tea I've lost count of the amount of people who say we can go back to trying again whilst waiting/healing before more treatment.if only it were that simply no ov = no chance at all.it doesn't help that dh is over it and has been for quite awhile.

tea_lover

Hugs PM, I know that feeling. OH went on a 4 day biking jolly the day my m/c started and never even called or asked how I was. Things haven't been the same between us since and I'm not sure I'll ever forgive him for that.

Part_Mouse

Tea I don't blame you at all for not forgiving him.At these times we need our oh atleast for a shoulder to cry on,it can't be that much to ask surely.

I said to dh earlier I should have been over 12 weeks by now,he said there's no point thinking about what would have been,its not that easy to just shut off from mmc and erpc.