Getting married and not telling anyone

Georgiegirl256

Thanks minerva, was interesting to read. I don't think I realised that the venue and catering would cost so much! Still seems very expensive to me, but I guess if you're having a lot of guests then that's probably about average? I guess it's worth it though to get the venue you want, no point settling for second best and then regretting it.

I think it's cool you are making your favours yourself, I love crafty stuff!

daisiegg

jackieb wrote: »

I think you're being over defensive over an innocuous remark I made earlier. It wasn't aimed at anyone in particular but you're acting like it was. You seem to be taking it personally.

Oh, it is really not about you - it is a very frequent comment on this and also the weddings board.

daisiegg

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbh I'm not quite sure exactly WHAT you are asking! . Sorry daisy. Not your fault but mine, my head is dodgy tonight.

I'll gladly retread and answer in the morning or you can try and rephrase for me.

Effort...hang on, got it now. Give me a minute!

Ok, sorry about that,


I think we have had this discussion before? I think you specifically raised your wedding and circumstances and I am afraid I am hazy on the detail/what was discussed? I really do not want to cause hurt by making this personal, but I seem to recal discussing this before and though cannot remember exact details remember thinking that your situation was a stable financially as it got I believe I have explicitly stated more than once I consider you situation different from many situations that are discussed theoretically on the board. I have only discussed yours because you have out the details out for comment and because the comments have been in support.


Its very rare you know what people do and don't have exactly so your question is a bit of a false path......

What you know is the tears of girlfriends because of the stress because they are choosing between cake or the gas bill, or because There fianc! wants to buy a a house with the savings but they want a bigger wedding. Where real disagree me et exists over the financial future and it clear to their friends and discussed. Or where they aren't bringing the money for the wedding into it directly but they are saying that they cannot afford other stuff. Like house deposits. like pensions, like I have seen this several times and watched as people go through a sort of ritual where DH has said the guy has done nothing but complain about the whole thing and the woman has really !!!!ed of friends who smile at her with glazed eyes.


Or the bridesmaid who is a closer mutual friend is on the phone telling you she's going to wrong someone's neck and your stuck talking them down and laughing and reminding them it will be their turn one day.

What I would say is that weddings seem to bring out some very extreme emotions in people, and some fairly unhealthy ones at times. And certainly not just brides! (And this is certainly not directed at anyone here).


Edit. Perhaps another way to consider this would be were you not to have met YOUR oh but a very much less secure man to marry would the wedding have been as important t to you as say, a deposit on a home so you had some where to bring a baby home to? Personally, a home was a priority, if we'd been able to have children, their educational costs would have been next along side future planning like pensions. If we couldn't meet those we wouldn't have considered anything beyond what we had.

Have we had this conversation before? Oh gosh! Clearly I was tired last night too or pregnancy brain is appearing early...sorry!

For what it is worth, I also agree that I don't understand people spending money they don't have on a wedding. You are right - if my husband was a different person and had less money, I would have been happy with a smaller wedding. As for education costs, this is a sticking point between my husband and I...he sends his older daughter to private school where she lives and he would like our children to go private too - however we have some of the best state schools in the country in our area and I constantly point out to him that the state schools where we live get better results than his daughter's private school! Anyway that is off topic...

Going back to the wedding thing, as I say, I agree that I don't understand people spending money they don't have. But often the comments people make about perceived 'expensive' weddings don't talk about debt....they just think spending that much on a wedding is bad, no matter whether the couple can afford it or not. I have a friend who is not engaged yet,but it is only a matter of time, and both her dad and her partner's parents have set aside 50k for their eventual wedding. That is a 100k wedding. Do I think it is a bit mental? Yes! But I don't think it makes their marriage any more or less likely to fail than anyone else's.

Sorry lir for my confused rambling post and even more so if you think we have had the conversation before...and you are probably right...sorry

daisiegg

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

What I always wonder, and this is a genuine question, is where on earth does all the money go to? Is it spent on extras which aren't really needed but are nice to have? I genuinely can't get my head around how a wedding can cost upwards of say £15,000? I think if my budget had went over say £5000 I'd be sitting there thinking what else that money could have been spent on.

Not having a go or anything because as I said, I truely believe a persons wedding should be how they want it, sometimes though I'm open mouthed at the figures touted for weddings!

I was shocked too at how much things cost. I don't think I am necessarily representative as I live in a very expensive part of the country. But our wedding cost well upwards of your £15,000 mark...but it really was just the basics and if you had attended our wedding sure you would think it was nice, but you probably would have been shocked at how much it cost if someone told you, because it certainly didn't feel like a hugely extravagant, expensive day.

The vast, main cost for our wedding was the venue/food. It was £200 a head with a minimum of 80 guests. Could we have gone somewhere cheaper? Tbh, not much cheaper, not near to where we live. We could have travelled for an hour and found somewhere less expensive, but convenience was important to us. We also paid for a free bar as we were concerned that our 'fancy' venue might have expensive bar prices and we didn't want our guests to be out of pocket to enjoy themselves...really, the hospitality for our guests was the main thing.

As for other things, believe it or not, we actually cut costs where we could, despite how expensive our wedding ended up being...we made the invitations, and that must have come out at about £30 for the lot. We made the favours using stuff bough off eBay and again - about £20. My dress cost £800 (yes that sounds like a huge amount for a dress, but believe me - I walked in a couple of shops where they had nothing below £1500) We went for the cheapest photographer we could find at £700 - many wedding photographers are a couple of grand. The flowers were expensive but we got them as cheap as we possibly could, by saying we didn't care at all what flowers they had, just use the cheapest seasonal flowers...still about £900. Bridesmaids' dresses were bought from BHS when there was a sale for about £70 each. So actually, the comment about 'upscaling' everything that somebody made didn't really apply to our wedding! The venue was the vastly most expensive thing and apart from that I think everything else was pretty 'normal'! I can easily see how a wedding could cost well over double what ours cost. I can also see how it could be possible to do it for a lot less, and if we had needed to we would have figured out a way. But doing it for more or doing it for less, I don't think either has a bearing on how well your marriage will turn out.

lostinrates

daisiegg wrote: »

. But doing it for more or doing it for less, I don't think either has a bearing on how well your marriage will turn out.

I think it depends

For example, I think it depends how of accord the couple are in the spending plan for money, and that money in context of other things.

Money stresses can be huge, and to start life either in a bad foot with money stress or in a relationship with altered or further declined stays of equality because of the sort of stress is never good and help ful.


I think the same about 'slipping off though' if one is pushing for a nothing ceremony when the other is opposed and strongly wants at least family around then that is a silly

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy daisy

claire16c

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I'm a big believer in that a couple should have the wedding they want, and not what anyone else thinks they should have.

I have no issue with people having a big wedding IF they have the money to do so without going into debt. Even if they haven't, then I guess even then it's no ones business but theirs....but what a way to start married life.

What I always wonder, and this is a genuine question, is where on earth does all the money go to? Is it spent on extras which aren't really needed but are nice to have? I genuinely can't get my head around how a wedding can cost upwards of say £15,000? I think if my budget had went over say £5000 I'd be sitting there thinking what else that money could have been spent on.

Not having a go or anything because as I said, I truely believe a persons wedding should be how they want it, sometimes though I'm open mouthed at the figures touted for weddings!

It's normally the food that adds up.

My sister is getting married soon and when she was looking at venues the prices for a sit down meal started at around £50 pp and then say £20 pp for drinks package. So around a minimum of £70, so if you had 100 guests that's £7k already gone.

Then maybe £1k on the dress, £1k on photographer, £500 on bridesmaid stuff, £500 on suits, another couple of grand to hire somewhere, and then transport, hair/Make up/shoes. Oh then flowers they cost hundreds. Couple of hundred for a cake. That's just a start!

Obviously all of these things can be done cheaper but just showing an example of how easy it is to add up.

Gloomendoom

claire16c wrote: »

It's normally the food that adds up

There are ways around that if you deviate from the conventional wedding template. Not something many people want to do.

mumps

duchy wrote: »

I do think family who are told after often do feel hurt or excluded and don't tell the bride and groom -as it's too late by then and would not achieve anything.

My brother had two weddings - a Turkish ceremony with all the trimmings for his bride's family (she's Turkish) and then a registry office one over here afterwards with an informal reception. He told my Mum and me after the Turkish ceremony which I wasn't thrilled about but didn't see any point in making a fuss about for the reason above.

My sister did exactly what the OP is suggesting. No one was upset, my mother was pleased they were married and no one else was bothered. I hate going to weddings and would be perfectly happy if that was how my children wanted to do it. I had a slightly bigger do, booked a lunch and the wedding, told friends two days before and 12 of us attended the ceremony and had lunch afterwards. I didn't even have a new dress. I know another couple who did it, the only people who were upset were their teenage daughters, one each from previous relationships. They were only upset about missing out on a new outfit and a day off school.

Georgiegirl256

daisie....£200 per head! :eek: But like you say, you got the venue you wanted and had a beautiful day, and really that's what matters the most. Congrats on your pregnancy btw! :j

Thanks to claire16c too. I gave a better understanding now of how easily costs for a wedding can spiral.

jackieb

daisiegg wrote: »

I was shocked too at how much things cost. I don't think I am necessarily representative as I live in a very expensive part of the country. But our wedding cost well upwards of your £15,000 mark...but it really was just the basics and if you had attended our wedding sure you would think it was nice, but you probably would have been shocked at how much it cost if someone told you, because it certainly didn't feel like a hugely extravagant, expensive day.

The vast, main cost for our wedding was the venue/food. It was £200 a head with a minimum of 80 guests. Could we have gone somewhere cheaper? Tbh, not much cheaper, not near to where we live. We could have travelled for an hour and found somewhere less expensive, but convenience was important to us. We also paid for a free bar as we were concerned that our 'fancy' venue might have expensive bar prices and we didn't want our guests to be out of pocket to enjoy themselves...really, the hospitality for our guests was the main thing.

As for other things, believe it or not, we actually cut costs where we could, despite how expensive our wedding ended up being...we made the invitations, and that must have come out at about £30 for the lot. We made the favours using stuff bough off eBay and again - about £20. My dress cost £800 (yes that sounds like a huge amount for a dress, but believe me - I walked in a couple of shops where they had nothing below £1500) We went for the cheapest photographer we could find at £700 - many wedding photographers are a couple of grand. The flowers were expensive but we got them as cheap as we possibly could, by saying we didn't care at all what flowers they had, just use the cheapest seasonal flowers...still about £900. Bridesmaids' dresses were bought from BHS when there was a sale for about £70 each. So actually, the comment about 'upscaling' everything that somebody made didn't really apply to our wedding! The venue was the vastly most expensive thing and apart from that I think everything else was pretty 'normal'! I can easily see how a wedding could cost well over double what ours cost. I can also see how it could be possible to do it for a lot less, and if we had needed to we would have figured out a way. But doing it for more or doing it for less, I don't think either has a bearing on how well your marriage will turn out.

You don't need to justify what you spent on your wedding. Nobody here is making a bigger deal about it than you are. It's only personal preferences at the end of the day.