Getting married and not telling anyone

daisiegg

lostinrates wrote: »

People do have the right to make judgements, Even when we dislike it.

As I say, I like a wedding. . But I do get uncomfortable when I see people spending a lot that I know they don't have.

My parents wanted to pay for our wedding. Us not having one actually let my father retire earlier. That's actually a phenomenal thought. Was I really prepared to have my father work for longer to pay for a wedding? It seems for a while I hadn't considered the impact of that at all.

I judge MYSELF and frankly, my parents, for the foolishness of that sort of financial judgement.

And there are somethings I sit and think 'what on earth are these peoe I care about thinking'. Its a natural reaction. Of course one says NOTHING to them. Its none of my business, just as its none of their business while they are thinking ' how could they exclude us!'. :rotfl:

Just out of interest, do you judge people for spending money on a wedding if you don't 'know' that it is money they don't have? Is it spending that amount of money overall that you aren't comfortable seeing people doing, or is it all to do with the fact that they can't afford it?

My parents contributed about a fifth of the cost of our wedding...a not insignificant amount, but less than they have contributed over the years in putting my sister through medical school and certainly not an amount that would change their retirement plans. We had the money that we spent - we did not get into debt over it, it did not stop us saving money for anything big (already had a house) so we could 'afford' it. Would that and other similar circumstances be ok in your eyes or would you still feel uncomfortable about someone having an expensive wedding?

I have tried to phrase this not to sound at all aggressive - I'm not sure if I have succeeded, but believe me when I say I don't mean to sound cross or accusatory...just interested, that is all.

lostinrates

daisiegg wrote: »

Just out of interest, do you judge people for spending money on a wedding if you don't 'know' that it is money they don't have? Is it spending that amount of money overall that you aren't comfortable seeing people doing, or is it all to do with the fact that they can't afford it?

My parents contributed about a fifth of the cost of our wedding...a not insignificant amount, but less than they have contributed over the years in putting my sister through medical school and certainly not an amount that would change their retirement plans. We had the money that we spent - we did not get into debt over it, it did not stop us saving money for anything big (already had a house) so we could 'afford' it. Would that and other similar circumstances be ok in your eyes or would you still feel uncomfortable about someone having an expensive wedding?

I have tried to phrase this not to sound at all aggressive - I'm not sure if I have succeeded, but believe me when I say I don't mean to sound cross or accusatory...just interested, that is all.

Tbh I'm not quite sure exactly WHAT you are asking! . Sorry daisy. Not your fault but mine, my head is dodgy tonight.

I'll gladly retread and answer in the morning or you can try and rephrase for me.

Effort...hang on, got it now. Give me a minute!

Ok, sorry about that,


I think we have had this discussion before? I think you specifically raised your wedding and circumstances and I am afraid I am hazy on the detail/what was discussed? I really do not want to cause hurt by making this personal, but I seem to recal discussing this before and though cannot remember exact details remember thinking that your situation was a stable financially as it got I believe I have explicitly stated more than once I consider you situation different from many situations that are discussed theoretically on the board. I have only discussed yours because you have out the details out for comment and because the comments have been in support.


Its very rare you know what people do and don't have exactly so your question is a bit of a false path......

What you know is the tears of girlfriends because of the stress because they are choosing between cake or the gas bill, or because There fianc! wants to buy a a house with the savings but they want a bigger wedding. Where real disagree me et exists over the financial future and it clear to their friends and discussed. Or where they aren't bringing the money for the wedding into it directly but they are saying that they cannot afford other stuff. Like house deposits. like pensions, like I have seen this several times and watched as people go through a sort of ritual where DH has said the guy has done nothing but complain about the whole thing and the woman has really !!!!ed of friends who smile at her with glazed eyes.


Or the bridesmaid who is a closer mutual friend is on the phone telling you she's going to wrong someone's neck and your stuck talking them down and laughing and reminding them it will be their turn one day.

What I would say is that weddings seem to bring out some very extreme emotions in people, and some fairly unhealthy ones at times. And certainly not just brides! (And this is certainly not directed at anyone here).


Edit. Perhaps another way to consider this would be were you not to have met YOUR oh but a very much less secure man to marry would the wedding have been as important t to you as say, a deposit on a home so you had some where to bring a baby home to? Personally, a home was a priority, if we'd been able to have children, their educational costs would have been next along side future planning like pensions. If we couldn't meet those we wouldn't have considered anything beyond what we had.

supersaver2

minerva_windsong wrote: »

I didn't ask my parents to pay for my wedding; they offered. Same with OH's parents. We would have pushed the wedding date back and totally paid for it on our own if we hadn't been offered any financial help, but I think it's a lovely gesture and I am incredibly grateful for it.

I totally understand disagreeing with what someone else chooses to do, but in my view there's a difference between keeping those thoughts to yourself (or voicing your concerns gently if you think it's a really bad idea but being aware it's up to them - even if they then do what they were going to do anyway) and openly slagging off someone's choices just because it's not what you want. I'd never say someone was selfish or tight for choosing to have a small inexpensive wedding, but to be effectively called wasteful and told I'm probably going to be divorced before I'm 30 is actually quite hurtful to me. Then again, maybe I'm just being too sensitive for my own good...

You should take no notice of what other people say (easier said than done I know!) If you want a big wedding then go for it! The cost and size of a wedding is no indication of how a marriage will turn out.

I posted earlier that me and my wife were married in secret which was right for us and your wedding will be right for you.

I currently drive a very expensive car, I can afford it and it gives me lots of pleasure, yet I still have people say I'm mad for spending so much! What else is money for if not for spending and enjoying either on a posh wedding, a fast car or whatever floats your boat!

jackieb

daisiegg wrote: »

You are welcome. I used to find that a bit too when planning ours. Our wedding was comparatively 'big' and I won't deny it was pretty expensive (but affordable for us and no one got into debt over it!) I agree completely with your point - we love our friends and families and there are no rifts or politics and we wanted them all there! I resent the constant comments you see on these boards that imply (or outright state, in a lot of cases) that big weddings mean you are compensating for something or you are not focused on the marriage etc etc, and will end up divorced.

I think you're being over defensive over an innocuous remark I made earlier. It wasn't aimed at anyone in particular but you're acting like it was. You seem to be taking it personally.

Georgiegirl256

daisiegg wrote: »

You are welcome. I used to find that a bit too when planning ours. Our wedding was comparatively 'big' and I won't deny it was pretty expensive (but affordable for us and no one got into debt over it!) I agree completely with your point - we love our friends and families and there are no rifts or politics and we wanted them all there! I resent the constant comments you see on these boards that imply (or outright state, in a lot of cases) that big weddings mean you are compensating for something or you are not focused on the marriage etc etc, and will end up divorced.

I'm a big believer in that a couple should have the wedding they want, and not what anyone else thinks they should have.

I have no issue with people having a big wedding IF they have the money to do so without going into debt. Even if they haven't, then I guess even then it's no ones business but theirs....but what a way to start married life.

What I always wonder, and this is a genuine question, is where on earth does all the money go to? Is it spent on extras which aren't really needed but are nice to have? I genuinely can't get my head around how a wedding can cost upwards of say £15,000? I think if my budget had went over say £5000 I'd be sitting there thinking what else that money could have been spent on.

Not having a go or anything because as I said, I truely believe a persons wedding should be how they want it, sometimes though I'm open mouthed at the figures touted for weddings!

ViolaLass

If you have a fancy venue e.g. a castle, it can't be hard to get through several grand.

lostinrates

ViolaLass wrote: »

If you have a fancy venue e.g. a castle, it can't be hard to get through several grand.

Or if you have a designer dress, or a designer cake.

If you just up standard every thing a bit. Especially for a big wedding.

minerva_windsong

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

What I always wonder, and this is a genuine question, is where on earth does all the money go to? Is it spent on extras which aren't really needed but are nice to have? I genuinely can't get my head around how a wedding can cost upwards of say £15,000? I think if my budget had went over say £5000 I'd be sitting there thinking what else that money could have been spent on.

OK, I'll bite...

For us our big costs are the venue and the caterers - that's about £7,000 for the venue hire and for the caterers to do drinks, wedding breakfast and evening buffet. I'm aware that is a lot for one day but our venue is what we wanted - my OH wanted a historic building but I didn't want a church, and a lot of venues in that category tend to be very small so we didn't have a massive amount of choice. Caterers come with the venue so in a way it took the decision out of our hands but I'm hoping I can get the costs down a bit further by only having two courses, going for a relatively simple main and possibly exploiting a family contact on the wine.

That said I'm actively trying to save money in other ways - my dad's cousin is making my dress, my mum is making our stationery, I'm not having a wedding car, my cousin is (hopefully) making the cake, I'm making the tea bags for our favours and little bags of confetti for the orders of service, not going to have lots of flowers, we've picked a colour scheme that lets our bridesmaids/groomsmen hopefully wear something they already have so we might only have to pay for their accessories... there are probably more that will come to me as I go!

I think overall it probably will come to about £15k, which I know is an awful lot of money but equally I know we're having what we want on the things that matter to us and then looking for ways to reduce costs elsewhere.

Armchair23

"I'm making the tea bags for our favours and little bags of confetti for the orders of service "

You see it really is each to their own, you're obviously enjoying this and taking time and care to do something you're really happy with.

But for me it's a concept of living hell, I just don't feel any need to give someone sugared almonds in a net bag and would make a complete fist of it it and do it with total and utter bad grace.

But there isn't any right or wrong, it's just important to be happy with your choices and do things that please you and your partner.

Gloomendoom

minerva_windsong wrote: »

going for a relatively simple main and possibly exploiting a family contact on the wine.

I'd exploit Eurotunnel, if I were you. That's what my family contacts (Mum & Dad) did.