Getting married and not telling anyone

MissTickle

Hi folks, could do with some views on this, me and OH been together for a long time, lived together for years, had 2 kids, etc, but never got round to marrying, now he decides he wants to, but only on the condition that we just book and do it on the cheap and not tell anyone, just grab 2 witnesses off the street and get married in secret so to speak.

This appeals to me as I am not the type to want any fuss and would just like to go and get it done but has anyone ever done this and what were your relatives reactions when/if they found out afterwards/ were they hurt? and do you wear a wedding ring? people would notice this and ask questions.....

building_with_lego

We're not married but if we were going to, this is the way I'd want to do it! I think it's rather romantic having such a big secret from the rest of the world.

Not sure of the wedding ring thing, and I can guarantee that at least one relative would be upset not to have known (IF they ever found out) but like so often in life you make the decision that is best for you and your partner/children rather than the wider world.

Go for it, if it's what you want to do!

youngie

My stepson done that then had an announcement put in the paper we were a bit upset that he hadn't told us but understood why he done it but would have prefered to have been told first ,so maybe consider telling very close relatives your plans and hopefully they will understand.
I wish you well in your plans and hope you enjoy your wedding day I think it will be quite exciting without all the pressure

Person_one

I'd ask him why he wanted to keep it a secret, is he ashamed of something? Is it just the cost? Because that's not related to how many people know!

I've known people who've kept their actual weddings secret, but then told everybody immediately afterwards. It can cause hurt feelings, especially if close relatives had thought they had a good relationship and would have loved to be there, it can lead to a permanent shift in the dynamics afterwards. Only you can decide if you'd be ok with causing that.

duchy

My parents got married seven years after their first child was born.....They just didn't tell anyone afterwards. They left the kids with a neighbour - popped down to the registry office - my aunt was the only family member who knew so was a witness (I assume the other witness was a random) and then came home and continued packing for their house move that day.

Frankly it would depend on your family - they are all different- some would say "About time" others would say "surprised you did it at all after all this time" and some might be mortified you "did it in secret" others would just be happy for you. Only you know what your family might say.

In your shoes I'd probably have a ring and just say "We didn't want a fuss- as you know we're not the type of people to have a big do" but if you were MY daughter I'd probably think your OH was a bit odd with his attitude as it'd be much nicer to have family or friends as witnesses - even if you just invited them out to lunch and then just sprung the registry office on them before going to eat.

Why not get married on holiday instead-that way no-one will be hurt and you can claim you did it on impulse if anyone is likely to be offended. I did a costing for someone a couple of months ago and flights a week in a hotel and a simple ceremony came out under £2000 with a bit of care with dates for Vegas but you could go to Gretna and do it for less.

Kynthia

Are you going to keep it secret afterwards as well as that seems strange, or will you 'announce' it in some way? To be honest if you both like the idea and it's not being done with the intention to hurt anyone then do what you want. However there will be disappointment and possibly very hurt parents, so expect that. Some of the disappointment will be selfish, ie they missed out on a party or they missed out on stag/hen does or they missed showing off their child's wedding to their friends, so don't put up with that or take it on yourself. However close family, particularly parents, may feel like they were unimportant to you or you purposely excluded them, and couldn't they at least have witnessed it even though if was a small fuss free wedding. If you can acknowledge and accept that and not let it ruin your relationships then it's up to you. I don't think people should have the weddings their families want, but don't be blind to the possible consequences either.

I hope it works out and you get the wedding you and your OH want.

itzmee

I did this - except for the two witnesses off the street. However, we asked our parents to be witnesses but they were our only guests. We only told them a couple of weeks beforehand to make sure they were available, and they weren't allowed to tell anyone else. We announced it afterwards on facebook! The rest of the family were fine when they found out, most asked why we didn't tell them as they would have liked to join our big day, but we just said we didn't want any fuss and wanted to do it our way.


We had also been together for years anyway, and were really marrying more for security as we had kids and a mortgage together. And yes, I wear a wedding ring as I'm proud to be married!

Mojisola

MissTickle wrote: »

Hi folks, could do with some views on this, me and OH been together for a long time, lived together for years, had 2 kids, etc, but never got round to marrying, now he decides he wants to, but only on the condition that we just book and do it on the cheap and not tell anyone, just grab 2 witnesses off the street and get married in secret so to speak.

This appeals to me as I am not the type to want any fuss and would just like to go and get it done but has anyone ever done this and what were your relatives reactions when/if they found out afterwards/ were they hurt? and do you wear a wedding ring? people would notice this and ask questions.....

You don't have to wear a ring if you don't want to. If you do want to, it doesn't have to be a traditional band and you don't have to wear it on the third finger. You will know your lovely ring is your wedding ring.

Some people are bound to be upset when it comes out and it will eventually. Being married changes your legal status and something will crop up when you have to declare it.

However, it's your (joint) decision. If you're both happy with it and want to do it that way, go for it.

lostinrates

Actually, I rather wish at times We had done this!


If it suits you to do it, do it.

Wear a ring if you want, and if you want to keep it secret just say your partner gave it to you.

Really the only thing that matters here is that BOTH OF YOU are ok with whatever you decide to do over this.

mountainofdebt

A friend did this - went off and got married quietly after years of saying that she didn't want to get married.....what she really didn't want was the associated fuss,.

I think her mum was a bit upset as I think the mum would have liked a grander affair but she got over it.

Perhaps your OH has an inkling of how your idea of an ideal wedding wouldn't be everyone else's and can't stand the thought of all the arguments etc

Georgiegirl256

We went to Gretna Green to get married, we had our parents there (I wouldn't have wanted to get married without them), but that's it, no one else was invited. We hate all the fuss and agro that can come with weddings. At first we thought we'd have about 6 members of family/friends from each side, but when we thought about it, if we invited DH brothers, we'd have to invite their partners (one of whom we don't like, I think that was the clincher :rotfl: ), then we'd have had to invite so and so and so and so, you get the drift, and this is what I hate about weddings....the politics of it all.

The MIL told DH brothers before hand as she would have "felt bad if she didn't", tbh I don't think they were really bothered, as they're not what you'd call close, I think their partners were more peeved, but only because "they couldn't buy a new hat" *rollseyes*

When my Aunty found out she burst out laughing and said "good for you, that's the way to do it!" And that it was very typical of us lol! She thought it was hilarious, as did my cousin (her son), but then again, they are very laid back people.

Who knows what anyone else thought of it, they didn't say anything. Although I think my godparents (who are like an Aunty and Uncle to me) might have been abit upset they weren't invited, but then again, maybe not, I might just have read too much into it?

I wouldn't have done it any other way, it was a lovely day, just us and our parents, no pressure or anything, and when I look at threads such as the Bridezilla thread, I think thank god we did it our way and remained true to ourselves.

I don't wear a wedding ring very often, but that's just personal preference. Everyone knows now, so I'm not not wearing a ring to hide the fact that we are married, just because I don't really like jewellery.