Getting married and not telling anyone

travelgran

Some years ago I met a woman whose brother had married without telling any of the family. His mother was distraught. The father came to her and said if she did anything like that to her mother he would 'break every bone in her body'.

Following this when she married she had a totally 'over the top' wedding organised by her mother who felt it was her chance to make up for her disappointment over her son. All actions have consequences I suppose!

I also know 2 second time brides who specifically told me that this second ceremony was going to be totally different from the first because they were deciding it (and paying for it) themselves.

Counting_Pennies_2

My sister did this.


It was a few months after my wedding. She used me as the reason. She said because all the fuss was going on around my wedding she didn't want to take the attention away from my day.


In all honesty it just made me the blame for all the hurt relatives, which looking back was a tad unfair as I organised the whole wedding no one in my family wanted or offered to help, so I just went ahead and organised it.


I wish she had just been honest and said they wanted to do it without anyone there.


If you want a fuss free day, go for it. But be prepared that family and friends might be hurt and might want to mark it some way with you, through a meal or mini party. So be prepared to have a knock back response if you don't want to do this.

fairy_lights

travelgran wrote: »

Some years ago I met a woman whose brother had married without telling any of the family. His mother was distraught. The father came to her and said if she did anything like that to her mother he would 'break every bone in her body'.

Wow...with parents like that I'm not surprised the brother got married in secret. If my father ever threatened me like that then there's not a snowballs chance in hell I would have him at my wedding.

duchy

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

you think because people are paying for the wedding then they should have views and input into how they think the wedding should be?

If parents are paying then yes I think their wishes should be considered .........or pay for it yourself- That said regardless of who is paying I think everyone's feelings are important - not just the bride's.

ViolaLass

duchy wrote: »

If parents are paying then yes I think their wishes should be considered .........or pay for it yourself- That said regardless of who is paying I think everyone's feelings are important - not just the bride's.

You're right, it should be about the groom too but why MUST it be about anyone else?

I didn't tell my parents when I had my first kiss or lost my virginity. Getting married was another major step for me but that doesn't meet you HAVE to share it with everyone.

Gloomendoom

Of course you don't HAVE to, but you shouldn't be surprised if some people are hurt when you don't.

Life isn't all about me, me, me.

ViolaLass

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Of course you don't HAVE to, but you shouldn't be surprised if some people are hurt when you don't.

Life isn't all about me, me, me.

??!! By not sharing you're being selfish? Surely people who decide to be hurt by it are the ones being selfish!

Why can't you keep something private because you want to?

The people who are hurt by it need to reflect on themselves, not the happy couple.

Ilona

My sister went away for a few days with her man, and two friends. When they came back she casually mentioned to me on the phone that they had got married. It was like a slap across the face, I was terribly hurt. They didn't want a fuss, but I wouldn't have caused a fuss, I would have just liked to be able to send a card, that's all. I felt terribly let down, and still feel sad about it years later.
Ilona

Mojisola

Ilona wrote: »

My sister went away for a few days with her man, and two friends. When they came back she casually mentioned to me on the phone that they had got married. It was like a slap across the face, I was terribly hurt. They didn't want a fuss, but I wouldn't have caused a fuss, I would have just liked to be able to send a card, that's all. I felt terribly let down, and still feel sad about it years later.
Ilona

Couldn't you have sent her a card after she told you?

Georgiegirl256

duchy wrote: »

If parents are paying then yes I think their wishes should be considered .........or pay for it yourself- That said regardless of who is paying I think everyone's feelings are important - not just the bride's.

I would say that all in, our wedding came to under £1000. We paid for bits ourself, but my parents -being from a certain generation where it's the done thing- paid for the majority. We didn't ask for any money AT ALL, but with me being their only daughter, they would have been offended if we'd said no, which we wouldn't have done because we knew how important this was to them.

This money didn't come with any rules or stipulations, and nor should it IMO. If we'd have asked for the money, then yes, I can kinda see where you are coming from.

The only request my Mam had was regarding what flowers she preferred for the button holes. I had no problem with this and valued her input on that and other things too.

Just out of interest as I'm genuinely curious, what input do you think parents who are paying should have?