Getting married and not telling anyone

catkins

Me and OH originally thought of just going to the register office and getting 2 witnesses from the street. I knew my parents would be upset though so we then wanted just our parents and brothers and sisters there (so that would have been 7 guests) and then all go for a nice meal.


We stupidly mentioned it beforehand and my parents were fine with it, just wanting us to be happy. His parents, mainly his mum, had a major strop and said if we weren't inviting other relatives/friends/ neighbours to the actual ceremony then we HAD to have an evening reception that they could come to.


We, again stupidly, went along with it and although we enjoyed our day, if we could go back in time we would do it our way.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

Something like serious fallings out or estrangements in the family, or a wedding that is not necessarily a happy occasion. No, with an easily understandable reason, I wouldn't have an issue.

With no real reason that I could get my head around, then yes, I'd be a bit upset, is that so terrible? I wouldn't make a fuss, and I know it wouldn't be about me specifically but I'd still wonder and do some thinking about the nature of the relationship, I'd expect others would too, not just me.

If they have people they love and who love them, and they get married without telling some or any of them, I'd wonder why. Wouldn't you?

I think the way DH and I viewed it was that our relationship was established. Nothing was going to practically change. Noones address for example.


Our relationship is something to do with our friends and family. and impacts on our friendships.....our marital status does not.

Our getting married its two friends as witnesses was nothing reflective on our friendships. The friends chosen were chosen because they were couple who both of us liked both of tremendously and were both drivers, so could share the longish drive and petrol money to the venue . Other friends lived as far, maybe would have not come in the same transport, couldn't have done it as the rather short notice or, like DH, had finals imminent.

It really was just about crossing t's for us, nothing about how we viewed friends.( I would say we feel friends are our family of choice)

Person_one

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

No.

I have always found you to be quite level headed Person_one, but your previous reply and the above one have surprised me somewhat.

I could understand you feeling upset if they had excluded you and only you, but if their preference was not to invite or tell anyone, why would you not respect that? Or understand that's what they wanted, without bringing your feelings into it.

Of course I'd respect it, i wouldn't show up anyway, or try to change their minds!

I don't know if I'm expressing myself well here. I consider that I have a very good and close relationship with my siblings, and with my small circle of dear friends. The sort of relationship where we'd all want each other present and involved for 'big life stuff' whatever it may be.

If it turned out that one of them felt differently, it would mean I was wrong about their feelings, and about the nature of the relationships involved, wouldn't it?

It's never actually happened, and I don't think it will. There have been people in my family who've done this sort of thing but nobody I'm that bothered about. There have been relationship consequences, and subtle adjustments in priorities from the excluded parties each time though, from what I've seen.

Person_one

ViolaLass wrote: »

How about feeling pleased for your sibling who has found someone to love and spend their lives with? You might then be able to support your parents in feeling the same way. I don't see why your sibling should feel forced to have the wedding your parents might want them to have.

I'm sue if there was a survey then 'crushed but trying not to show it' would be the most common reaction of parents whose children married in secret or without inviting them.

balletshoes

Person_one wrote: »

Of course I'd respect it, i wouldn't show up anyway, or try to change their minds!

I don't know if I'm expressing myself well here.
I consider that I have a very good and close relationship with my siblings, and with my small circle of dear friends. The sort of relationship where we'd all want each other present and involved for 'big life stuff' whatever it may be.

If it turned out that one of them felt differently, it would mean I was wrong about their feelings, and about the nature of the relationships involved, wouldn't it?

It's never actually happened, and I don't think it will. There have been people in my family who've done this sort of thing but nobody I'm that bothered about. There have been relationship consequences, and subtle adjustments in priorities from the excluded parties each time though, from what I've seen.

have you asked your siblings and close friends, all of them, what their thoughts are on how they want their wedding to be? If you have, and they've confirmed they'd want you all there, then fair enough. If you haven't all had that conversation, you might be assuming things.

I have a very close relationship with my parents, siblings and best friends, but we all had different ideas of what we wanted for our weddings.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

. The sort of relationship where we'd all want each other present and involved for 'big life stuff' whatever it may be.

If it turned out that one of them felt differently, it would mean I was wrong about their feelings, and about the nature of the relationships involved, wouldn't it?

.

But perhaps the way to view it is that such a good relationship can withstand the difference in opinion over what they wanted to share, or perhaps not divulging why they chose to do something you'd see as out of character?

Good relationships DO share, but they also give room for difference of point of view and offer space for guilt free choice!

balletshoes

Person_one wrote: »

I'm sue if there was a survey then 'crushed but trying not to show it' would be the most common reaction of parents whose children married in secret or without inviting them.

you're probably right - but hopefully that wouldn't be a long-lasting feeling.

Person_one

balletshoes wrote: »

have you asked your siblings and close friends, all of them, what their thoughts are on how they want their wedding to be? If you have, and they've confirmed they'd want you all there, then fair enough. If you haven't all had that conversation, you might be assuming things.

I have a very close relationship with my parents, siblings and best friends, but we all had different ideas of what we wanted for our weddings.

Well a lot of them are already married, or will be by the end of the year. I'm 29, I'm practically a professional wedding guest.

It has come up though, in the past wedding dates have been planned around ensuring people can be there, hen parties changed, important birthdays adjusted and so on. There's precedent.

ViolaLass

Person_one wrote: »

I'm sue if there was a survey then 'crushed but trying not to show it' would be the most common reaction of parents whose children married in secret or without inviting them.

My instinct is that I wouldn't know - it's too great a generalisation.

Besides, the point remains. Why should the couple have the day that their parents want them to have over the day that the couple want to have?

idea

I got married and didn't tell anyone. I don't regret it for one minute. Marriage at that time was about me and my husband, not anyone else. We've been married for 8 years now and doing quite a lot better than some people that got married in big weddings around the same sort if time.

Sure my mum may have been a little upset but actually it has made our relationship better in that she finally learnt that she could not control me. None of my real friends were in the slightest bit upset, they all know me we'll enough to understand that the last thing I would have wanted was a big event.

I find it really weird that some are saying that they would be upset if they didn't get a wedding invite. Perhaps they need to remember who's wedding it is.