Getting married and not telling anyone

Gloomendoom

ViolaLass wrote: »

??!! By not sharing you're being selfish?

Is that a serious question?
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ViolaLass

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Is that a serious question?
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Yes.

I don't see what obligation there is to share any of your life if you choose not to. Those who love you should respect that and not take any hurt they may feel out on you. To do the opposite is selfish.

Hermia

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Of course you don't HAVE to, but you shouldn't be surprised if some people are hurt when you don't.

Life isn't all about me, me, me.

I genuinely don't understand that comment. I don't see how not inviting people to a wedding is selfish. Given that a registry office ceremony is really short without all the gubbins the family are not really missing out on anything.

I would definitely want to slope off and marry. I have some ghastly relatives and if they heard about a wedding before they would insist on coming (and would get drunk and fight). If I refused to tell them WW3 would be unleashed.

I have to say all the people I know who have married in secret have had very few problems with their families afterwards. Weddings can be so stressful I think a lot of people can understand why people would do it.

sniffles

I don't think it is selfish at all. A friend of mine was told quietly that her son and his girlfriend wanted to do it in Vegas. Well, she took over and now the quiet wedding they wanted is costing all the close family a lot of money as she thinks everyone should be there.

Some weddings don't work well due to the lack of each families dynamics and the couple know this, so they choose to just do it quietly.

I think being hurt or offended is just what they try to avoid, and I applaud any young couple who choose to do it their way.

Tiffany_Aching

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Life isn't all about me, me, me.

But surely, if someone is upset because they weren't told about an upcoming wedding as the couple want to keep it secret then they themselves are being rather selfish? Are they not thinking about me, me, me rather than the happiness of someone they care about?

Tiffany_Aching

Ilona wrote: »

My sister went away for a few days with her man, and two friends. When they came back she casually mentioned to me on the phone that they had got married. It was like a slap across the face, I was terribly hurt. They didn't want a fuss, but I wouldn't have caused a fuss, I would have just liked to be able to send a card, that's all. I felt terribly let down, and still feel sad about it years later.
Ilona

I think this is a very sad post. A slap across the face? Rather than be happy for your sister getting married to a man she loved in a way that she wanted, you took it as an insult and still feel sad about it years later?

As another poster said, you could have still sent a card.

Jo_F

I did it when I got married the first time, we told my parents and his mother. At the wedding there was me, him, our daughter and my mum, dad, brother and sister.

Everyone else found out the following Monday, and while there were some that felt annoyed about the lack of party (their words not mine), I didn't care.

I'm getting married again in a couple of months, we decided on this 2 weeks ago, and while it's not a secret, it's going to be a small intimate event, whoever wants can come to the wedding itself, but there is no big meal afterwards and no night time party. We are going for a small meal at a local place and then me and him are off on a train for a couple of nights away.

although it's not a secret, I actually haven't told my parents and not sure that I have any intention of.

Person_one

Tiffany_Aching wrote: »

I think this is a very sad post. A slap across the face? Rather than be happy for your sister getting married to a man she loved in a way that she wanted, you took it as an insult and still feel sad about it years later?

As another poster said, you could have still sent a card.

I'd be upset if one of my siblings or my close friends (who are more like family) got married and they preferred me not to be there.

If there was an easily understandable reason it'd be less upsetting, and I'd always still be happy for them, but it would mean me having to re-assess that relationship and the level of closeness/priority as it clearly wasn't what I thought it was.

I don't think it's selfish to feel sad when you find out that you aren't as important as you thought you were to the people who are important to you.

ViolaLass

Person_one wrote: »

I'd be upset if one of my siblings or my close friends (who are more like family) got married and they preferred me not to be there.

If there was an easily understandable reason it'd be less upsetting, and I'd always still be happy for them, but it would mean me having to re-assess that relationship and the level of closeness/priority as it clearly wasn't what I thought it was.

I don't think it's selfish to feel sad when you find out that you aren't as important as you thought you were to the people who are important to you.

But if they exclude everyone then it isn't about you. If they included you and excluded others, that would be far worse IMO.

Hermia

Person_one wrote: »

I'd be upset if one of my siblings or my close friends (who are more like family) got married and they preferred me not to be there.

If there was an easily understandable reason it'd be less upsetting, and I'd always still be happy for them, but it would mean me having to re-assess that relationship and the level of closeness/priority as it clearly wasn't what I thought it was.

I don't think it's selfish to feel sad when you find out that you aren't as important as you thought you were to the people who are important to you.

If you were the only one being excluded it would be perfectly understandable for you to be upset and re-evaluate the relationship. But, if everyone was excluded than I think you need to realise that it isn't all about you.