Getting married and not telling anyone

balletshoes

Person_one wrote: »

I'd be upset if one of my siblings or my close friends (who are more like family) got married and they preferred me not to be there.

If there was an easily understandable reason it'd be less upsetting, and I'd always still be happy for them, but it would mean me having to re-assess that relationship and the level of closeness/priority as it clearly wasn't what I thought it was.

I don't think it's selfish to feel sad when you find out that you aren't as important as you thought you were to the people who are important to you.

what would you judge as an easily understandable reason? And even if it was an easily understandable reason (in your opinion) you'd have to re-assess the relationship? Really?

If either of my best friends got married with no close family or friends present, for any reason at all (their decision is reason enough for me) I'd be happy for them, full stop. There would be no need for me to re-assess my relationship with them.

I totally understand that to some people getting married with no close family and friends would be completely out of the question - and thats absolutely fine . Similarly, some people want to get married with no close family and friends present - and that should be fine too - especially to friends who are supposed to be close ones, in my opinion.

supersaver2

I'm so glad I have such a laid back family, would hate to be related to some on here!
Me and my wife were married 18 years ago in secret and told nobody. We called them after the ceremony to tell them the good news and everybody was thrilled. No re assesment of relationships or other over the top dramatics at all!

If I had my time again I would make the same decision, as would my wife.

Tiffany_Aching

Person_one wrote: »

I'd be upset if one of my siblings or my close friends (who are more like family) got married and they preferred me not to be there.

If there was an easily understandable reason it'd be less upsetting, and I'd always still be happy for them, but it would mean me having to re-assess that relationship and the level of closeness/priority as it clearly wasn't what I thought it was.

I don't think it's selfish to feel sad when you find out that you aren't as important as you thought you were to the people who are important to you.

So if someone doesn't invite you to their wedding then you are not as important to them as you thought you were? Even if it is your sibling and they have not invited any family you still think that you should have been invited and would feel you should re-assess your relationship?

That is a rather selfish view - could you not just be happy that they were happy and had had the wedding that they wanted?

I agree that if you were the only member of the family not invited you could feel like this, but Ilona said that only two close friends were there.

Person_one

balletshoes wrote: »

what would you judge as an easily understandable reason? And even if it was an easily understandable reason (in your opinion) you'd have to re-assess the relationship? Really?

Something like serious fallings out or estrangements in the family, or a wedding that is not necessarily a happy occasion. No, with an easily understandable reason, I wouldn't have an issue.

With no real reason that I could get my head around, then yes, I'd be a bit upset, is that so terrible? I wouldn't make a fuss, and I know it wouldn't be about me specifically but I'd still wonder and do some thinking about the nature of the relationship, I'd expect others would too, not just me.

If they have people they love and who love them, and they get married without telling some or any of them, I'd wonder why. Wouldn't you?

balletshoes

Person_one wrote: »

Something like serious fallings out or estrangements in the family, or a wedding that is not necessarily a happy occasion. No, with an easily understandable reason, I wouldn't have an issue.

With no real reason that I could get my head around, then yes, I'd be upset, is that so terrible? I know it wouldn't be about me specifically but I'd still wonder and do some thinking about the nature of the relationship, I'd expect others would too, not just me.

If they have people they live and who love them, and they get married without telling some or any of them, I'd wonder why. Wouldn't you?

if they told some close friends, and not me (and if I considered myself a close friend) then I'd wonder why not me. And I might be upset momentarily.

If they told no-one or even their immediate family but no friends, I'd be fine with their decision.

Person_one

Tiffany_Aching wrote: »

So if someone doesn't invite you to their wedding then you are not as important to them as you thought you were? Even if it is your sibling and they have not invited any family you still think that you should have been invited and would feel you should re-assess your relationship?

That is a rather selfish view - could you not just be happy that they were happy

If one of my siblings got married with no family there, I'd mostly feel terrible for my parents, who would be crushed and trying hard not to show it.

Georgiegirl256

supersaver2 wrote: »

I'm so glad I have such a laid back family, would hate to be related to some on here!
Me and my wife were married 18 years ago in secret and told nobody. We called them after the ceremony to tell them the good news and everybody was thrilled. No re assesment of relationships or other over the top dramatics at all!

If I had my time again I would make the same decision, as would my wife.

I'm glad my family are so laid back too! If they had to "re-evaluate" their relationship with me, then that to me would make me see them in a different light.

Person_one

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I'm glad my family are so laid back too! If they had to "re-evaluate" their relationship with me, then that to me would make me see them in a different light.

We re-evaluate relationships all the time, if we didn't we'd never form new ones, or get closer to distant ones, or drift from older ones, or protect ourselves from ones with the potential to cause us pain.

Georgiegirl256

Person_one wrote: »

If they have people they love and who love them, and they get married without telling some or any of them, I'd wonder why. Wouldn't you?

No.

I have always found you to be quite level headed Person_one, but your previous reply and the above one have surprised me somewhat.

I could understand you feeling upset if they had excluded you and only you, but if their preference was not to invite or tell anyone, why would you not respect that? Or understand that's what they wanted, without bringing your feelings into it.

ViolaLass

Person_one wrote: »

If one of my siblings got married with no family there, I'd mostly feel terrible for my parents, who would be crushed and trying hard not to show it.

How about feeling pleased for your sibling who has found someone to love and spend their lives with? You might then be able to support your parents in feeling the same way. I don't see why your sibling should feel forced to have the wedding your parents might want them to have.