Getting married and not telling anyone

midnightraven3

that is what we did
for several reasons, none more important than the other

our families lived hundreds of miles apart
we didnt want the fuss (the inevitable mothers interfering etc)
we just wanted "to be married"

arranged it all
turned up
asked 2 people sitting outside (who it turns out were there to hand in divorce papers, luckily still on good terms, thank you Alison & David)
got married, left, went away for the weekend

we didnt even have a big announcement etc
told our parents, and couple of friends
everyone else found out as and when

some people want the dress/flowers/meal etc
some dont
ultimately, its down to the couple involved and no one else

25 years later do i wish i had done it differently?
never
would i do it the same way again?
you betcha

nearlyrich

We went on holiday to the states got married and came beck and told everyone, a few people said we should throw a party but we didn't so they organised a surprise 10th anniversary party for us which was lovely.

GobbledyGook

You know your families better than anyone, how do you think they'd react? How old are your children? Will they feel left out if they don't get told.

My Grandparents (who brought me up) would have been outwardly only supportive and delighted for us, but I know they'd be hurt. Not that they'd missed out on a fuss, but that they missed out on such a significant moment in my life. My PIL, even before MIL went off on one, would have been extremely hurt and upset. They'd have felt slighted at not being included and it would have cause a real rift.

Friend of mine got married before Christmas. Invited both sets of parents and her grown up children for a meal for her OH's significant birthday. At the meeting point they announced a little detour and the parents and children were the only guests at the wedding. Afterwards they had the birthday meal as planned. They got the wedding they wanted, but the parents and children were included.

If you get married there will be some people you have to tell - like insurances and the likes at the very least.

claire16c

If you think your parents would be upset them just invite them and don't invite your OHs family. Seems mean to leave your family out if it's something that would matter to them just because he has problems with his. You could ask them to be the witnesses and still have a small simple wedding.

Georgiegirl256

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Despite what some advise on here, a wedding is not an excuse to be selfish and unfeeling. It isn't just your day, and you shouldn't do what you want... and sod everybody else.

:rotfl: Did I just read that correctly?! When it comes down to it, at the end of the day, the wedding IS really just the bride and grooms day, so why shouldn't you just do what you want? Why should everyone else butt in with their two pence worth about how they think your wedding should be? It really isn't their business tbh.

Like it or not, in a lot of cases this is what happens, you only need to look at the weddings board to see that that is the case.

I'm sorry your first marriage didn't work out. It reads to me like your wife resented you for forcing her to have that sort of wedding? If both parties are singing from the same hymn sheet though, those problems shouldn't occur, it's only when they are not that these problems do.

codemonkey

My brother and his wife did this but they invited the parents too.

I probably would have been ok with it, had it not been for the fact that when I got married a year earlier he had an almighty tantrum because we chose to invite one of his sons to the evening only. To clarify this was a son from his previous marriage who we hadn't seen since he was a baby. He'd only just got in back in touch with him when he was old enough that he wouldn't have to pay maintenance. This particular son had also been banned from his house for setting fire to the walls and been in prison for theft and arson. Aside from that, I couldn't pick him out in a lineup if I tried. He went off on a big rant about how they were a family and that was important and I had to invite them all, and I stood firm and I've still not been forgiven. So I felt his decision to get married without inviting the family (family being soooo important) was a little hypocritical. Did give me the chance to say "It's your wedding, you can invite who you want!" in a pointed fashion though.

My other brother and sister were really hurt about not being told and haven't really gotten over it.

thegirlintheattic

There is a difference between a no fuss wedding and just keeping it a secret.

I would hate a big wedding but would like immediate family and close friends there.

Person_one

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

:rotfl: Did I just read that correctly?! When it comes down to it, at the end of the day, the wedding IS really just the bride and grooms day, so why shouldn't you just do what you want? Why should everyone else butt in with their two pence worth about how they think your wedding should be? It really isn't their business tbh.

I don't completely agree with gloomendoom, but I do think the idea that you can just do exactly what you want and not consider anybody else's feelings, time, bank balances, whatever, is far too prevalent in wedding planning circles.

I've seen some of the forums/magazines etc. and the level of selfishness they promote is appalling! You see examples on here from time to time, there was one only last week called 'wedding abroad-a bit presumptuous?' And it's one of many!

Danni

We didn't go quite as far as to pull people off the street, but we didn't invite family to our wedding (invited a few close friends instead). We both have rather large families and we couldn't invite some and not others so ended up not inviting any of them, as we needed it to be small (both of us are autistic and don't do well with big groups). We announced it afterwards on Facebook and other social networks.

My sister was a bit annoyed as it was her birthday and we'd meant to be going to her birthday lunch (we'd already booked the date when we found out). My mother in law was a bit upset at first but understood once we explained why.

We originally planned to have a church blessing around our first anniversary which would have been a bigger occasion. Unfortunately my health (which was already poor) got worse and it's postponed until I'm well enough. I'm glad we got married when we did though as it was the last time I went out without any mobility aids and if we'd left it too much longer I'd have been too ill to do it.

Georgiegirl256

Person_one wrote: »

I don't completely agree with gloomendoom, but I do think the idea that you can just do exactly what you want and not consider anybody else's feelings, time, bank balances, whatever, is far too prevalent in wedding planning circles.

I do agree with in you regarding the fact that I guess you do to a certain extent have to consider other people's feelings. You have to weigh up if they are the kind of people who would take offence or are they the kind of laid back people who wouldn't care less.