Getting married and not telling anyone

marisco_2

I can see where you are both coming from OP. Being a very private person who dislikes being centre of attention, the idea of a small wedding ceremony with very little fuss sounds wonderful in practice. In reality what would not be at all appealing, is the horrendous fallout doing what you are considering could cause amongst friends and family.

I know full well that if I did this those closest to me would be hurt and upset. Like it or not, every action has a consequence. I do not mean to say that you shouldn't go ahead and do things the way you wish to in life. As an adult that is entirely your prerogative. You would be extremely wise though to minimise any negative effects in advance by being straight and honest with people. That shows integrity and respect and it is then for them to accept your chosen approach or not without any comeback on you.

MissTickle

wow thanks for everyone's opinions!

I feel OH wants it done quietly as there are certain members of his family that he fell out with a while ago and now doesn't speak too and he is afraid of more causing bad feeling by getting married and feeling obligated to invite them!

something to ponder over, I think:)

FBaby

Just on the flip side of this. I felt exactly like you about marrying my partner. I don't like the fuss and only wanted to be married, but OH would have had none of it and wanted a big party, so in the end, I went along with it. Walking towards the town hall, I felt sick with the prospect of being the centre of attention, never felt so nervous!

Yet the minute I started to walk towards my husband, I started to feel a glow I hadn't expected. In the end, we had 50 people at the ceremony and reception and over 120 in the evening, but I loved every minute of it and looking back, I'm so glad we had it like that.

I'm not saying that you could have any regrets, but just giving another perspective just in case you are not totally sure.

ps: If my husband had been ok with it though, I wouldn't have cared what friends and family thought as in the end, a wedding is about you two.

skylight

itzmee wrote: »

I did this - except for the two witnesses off the street. However, we asked our parents to be witnesses but they were our only guests. We only told them a couple of weeks beforehand to make sure they were available, and they weren't allowed to tell anyone else. We announced it afterwards on facebook! The rest of the family were fine when they found out, most asked why we didn't tell them as they would have liked to join our big day, but we just said we didn't want any fuss and wanted to do it our way.


We had also been together for years anyway, and were really marrying more for security as we had kids and a mortgage together. And yes, I wear a wedding ring as I'm proud to be married!

Not my cousin from Devon by any chance are you?! She did exactly this and everyone was very happy for them.

Although on the flip side to the OP, I would be gutted if one of my children (or my parents) got married and told me afterwards. I would not like to miss their wedding day, no matter who, what, where or when. Friends and other relatives I wouldn't be fussed about at all.

balletshoes

MissTickle wrote: »

Hi folks, could do with some views on this, me and OH been together for a long time, lived together for years, had 2 kids, etc, but never got round to marrying, now he decides he wants to, but only on the condition that we just book and do it on the cheap and not tell anyone, just grab 2 witnesses off the street and get married in secret so to speak.

This appeals to me as I am not the type to want any fuss and would just like to go and get it done but has anyone ever done this and what were your relatives reactions when/if they found out afterwards/ were they hurt? and do you wear a wedding ring? people would notice this and ask questions.....

I didn't do it exactly the way your OH wants to - but I did get married abroad, with no friends or family from home, we had a couple we knew from OH's side as our witnesses (he had no family there either).
My parents, siblings, close friends and some work colleagues knew about it about 2 months in advance, but not the exact date (because we didn't know the exact date ) until about 3 days beforehand.
I wear a wedding ring.

I think if you did it without telling anyone at all thats what you were thinking of doing it, it would be one of those "take a deep breath and dive in" conversations when you did decide to tell them. My parents and siblings would have been hurt if I didn't tell them at all I'd got married, and I wouldn't have wanted to not tell them.

BitterAndTwisted

I have friends who had been together for over 20 years, who'd always claimed that marriage was not on the agenda, who got married with only a couple of witnesses present and told no-one.

I was cross with them for about five seconds, mainly about being deprived of a nice celebration with them.

If it's right for both of you, then it's right. And that's it.

Tigsteroonie

Maybe a pertinent thread in which to post this link to a new official survey on the future of Civil Partnerships, as one of the options is opening them to all (i.e. different sex marriages as well as same-sex).

https://dcms.eu.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_00LcIHS2sXDdOUB

Mojisola

If a holiday abroad is something you'd consider, you could always have a "spur of the moment" wedding in Las Vegas and announce it when you get back from holiday.

arbroath_lass

I'd want my parents and children there but I can appreciate why others might not. I'd ask them to meet me in town and not tell them what was going on until they got there to maintain the "no fuss" wedding. That's just me.


I think I'd feel hurt if my child married without either telling me beforehand they were gong to or inviting me.

balletshoes

arbroath_lass wrote: »

I'd want my parents and children there but I can appreciate why others might not. I'd ask them to meet me in town and not tell them what was going on until they got there to maintain the "no fuss" wedding. That's just me.


I think I'd feel hurt if my child married without either telling me beforehand they were gong to or inviting me.

having done it (the not-inviting part) I honestly wouldn't be hurt if my daughter didn't invite me to her wedding if no-one else was invited.