Getting married and not telling anyone

Georgiegirl256

jackieb wrote: »

I think she just likes getting married.

Lol! As was said about my ex boss, "he just likes the taste of wedding cake!"

Georgiegirl256

lostinrates wrote: »

I think laid back is the key.

If people are enjoying the big day, if they have few stresses, and no debt and no one is hurt by it (families are so complicated ) then I think weddings in the traditional sense are simply lovely.


Our families were planning a big thing, and we were told the dates DH and I wanted (for sentimental reason) weren't suitable and that we had to look two years into the future to make a date people could do....that the colour I wanted to wear to get married in wash' right, that the flowers weren't good....its incredible what parents felt they should choose.

People we didn't know or like we're being prioritised over our friends for invitation list......

I was getting whooped up, and the date thing was a big issue for DH and I , we really for practical purposes were not happy to wait that long.


Sometimes I miss having a pretty dress and beautiful cake, but actually our day was perfect for us, we woke together, got dressed together, held hands all day, and were quietly together and putting our relationship in its place in our life.

Which really is what marriage is about......let no man put asunder or whatever..... I'd rather have held hands all day with DH than dance with cousins I barely know, or brother in laws there is tension with, or wondered who was gossiping about what. Playing hostess is exhausting, and really I'm glad my attention was where it was, on DH, not on our guests, which, is sadly where I think mine would have been otherwise too much for it to be as romantic as our day was for us.


A more laid back person than I might be a better hostess AND a better bride. I think I perhaps learnt in retrospect, my limitations are such that what we did was right for us.

Tell me about it! My Mam kept on saying "if you were having a bigger wedding, we'd have to invite so and so", I was like "but they're your friends not mine!

I read an interview with the actress Katherine Kelly today, who got married in Vegas, just her and her husband, and she said "we wanted to enjoy the day without all the usual planning and pressure", that summed it up perfectly for me.

Armchair23

My DH & I mooted getting married to his parents after about 5 years of being together. They kicked into some mental overdrive of dozens of people none of us had ever met who MUST be invited. We waited a year or so and tried suggesting it again, same response and so totally not what we wanted and what suited us as a couple.

So we organised a registry office wedding, gave them a weeks notice to come down ( though MIL was not told she was bipolar - just imagine what could have gone wring there !) and invited all our friends to a party.

Didn't tell them it was a wedding just asked them to come, and bless them they all did. You get to know who your friends are at times like this.

We wanted peoples company not their toasters !

Don't regret it for a minute - other than a really grim bubble perm that I do try to forget !!

My marriage lasted for 30 years till my lovely hubby died and I've not regretted for one second that I didn't wander down a aisle looking like a turnip in white lace.

Marriage is way more than the wedding day and you live with your husband not the in-laws. I know who I'd prefer to please.

Good Luck !

Person_one

Armchair23 wrote: »

though MIL was not told she was bipolar

Sorry, had to smile at that phrasing, bit of an 'eats, shoots and leaves' moment there1

minerva_windsong

Two of my aunties did this - registry office, jeans and T-shirts, and the first two friends who were free that day as witnesses - and then told the family. I think in both instances my grandparents were a bit peeved as both were the last on each side of the family to get married, although one of my aunties had been with her now-husband for 20-odd years and they had two teenage daughters when they got married so it wasn't exactly spur of the moment. So I would be prepared for that, but to be truthful - say you didn't want any fuss because it's not who you are.

I think if it's what you and your OH want then you should totally go for it. The idea of doing it on holiday is quite good as well if you want that 'spur of the moment' thing.

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Just out of interest as I'm genuinely curious, what input do you think parents who are paying should have?

As someone whose parents and in-laws are contributing to her wedding, I think input should be when asked for, and should revolve around "I think XYZ but it's your wedding and your decision and it's up to you if you take our advice". Apart from a current sticking point on siblings' in-laws (to which I am saying no because there's no space in the ceremony room but they can come to the evening), OH's parents have been great - happy to give advice and talk through things but very much 'this is your day, do what you want'. My dad has stayed out of it. My mum has in theory been in the 'do what you want' camp but has made it very clear there are things she doesn't like about our wedding and I have had moments where I've wanted to say 'you organise it then, I don't care any more' but have had to bite my tongue because I want her to be happy; after all, she's the only mum I've got...

daisiegg wrote: »

I will correct that for you. Roughly 42% of the time, all marriages end in divorce. I have yet to see any evidence for this 'the bigger the wedding, the more likely the divorce' nonsense that people always trout out on this board. It just feels like reverse snobbery to me and is quite unkind to those who have chosen a 'big' wedding.

FWIW, my parents and their generation of siblings and cousins all had big (not necessarily expensive, but big in terms of hugely celebratory) flowery eighties weddings with giant meringue dresses and hundreds of guests. 25-30 years later? Marriages all still going strong. But that is purely anecdotal and proves nothing,........just like when people say they know lots of people who had big weddings and then got divorced...that also means nothing.

I am aware my post is an essay now but just wanted to say a huge thank you for that comment. So often I go on the wedding board and I feel like I'm being indirectly criticised because I'm having a big wedding - we like our families, they mostly get on and we want them at our wedding, and it costs to feed and water that many people - and because the handmade look, whilst lovely, just isn't right for us (although I am making some things). I'm totally in agreement that your wedding should be what you want - but that doesn't give you the right to criticise other people who do a totally different thing to you.

Armchair23

Ow, re-reading my post it sounded so harsh about my MIL who was really very ill.

She was ill but it was very hard to deal with in terms of anyone else having a potential of happiness while she (unintentionally) cast this big gloomy shadow over us all.

We tried very hard to make a situation that she could find acceptable, but I wasn't Princess Anne and as far as she was concerned that was it.

Her son should not be marrying a commoner. And frankly they just don't come more common than me !

lostinrates

minerva_windsong wrote: »

I am aware my post is an essay now but just wanted to say a huge thank you for that comment. So often I go on the wedding board and I feel like I'm being indirectly criticised because I'm having a big wedding - we like our families, they mostly get on and we want them at our wedding, and it costs to feed and water that many people - and because the handmade look, whilst lovely, just isn't right for us (although I am making some things). I'm totally in agreement that your wedding should be what you want - but that doesn't give you the right to criticise other people who do a totally different thing to you.

People do have the right to make judgements, Even when we dislike it.

As I say, I like a wedding. . But I do get uncomfortable when I see people spending a lot that I know they don't have.

My parents wanted to pay for our wedding. Us not having one actually let my father retire earlier. That's actually a phenomenal thought. Was I really prepared to have my father work for longer to pay for a wedding? It seems for a while I hadn't considered the impact of that at all.

I judge MYSELF and frankly, my parents, for the foolishness of that sort of financial judgement.

And there are somethings I sit and think 'what on earth are these peoe I care about thinking'. Its a natural reaction. Of course one says NOTHING to them. Its none of my business, just as its none of their business while they are thinking ' how could they exclude us!'. :rotfl:

minerva_windsong

lostinrates wrote: »

People do have the right to make judgements, Even when we dislike it.

As I say, I like a wedding. . But I do get uncomfortable when I see people spending a lot that I know they don't have.

My parents wanted to pay for our wedding. Us not having one actually let my father retire earlier. That's actually a phenomenal thought. Was I really prepared to have my father work for longer to pay for a wedding? It seems for a while I hadn't considered the impact of that at all.

I judge MYSELF and frankly, my parents, for the foolishness of that sort of financial judgement.

And there are somethings I sit and think 'what on earth are these peoe I care about thinking'. Its a natural reaction. Of course one says NOTHING to them. Its none of my business, just as its none of their business while they are thinking ' how could they exclude us!'. :rotfl:

I didn't ask my parents to pay for my wedding; they offered. Same with OH's parents. We would have pushed the wedding date back and totally paid for it on our own if we hadn't been offered any financial help, but I think it's a lovely gesture and I am incredibly grateful for it.

I totally understand disagreeing with what someone else chooses to do, but in my view there's a difference between keeping those thoughts to yourself (or voicing your concerns gently if you think it's a really bad idea but being aware it's up to them - even if they then do what they were going to do anyway) and openly slagging off someone's choices just because it's not what you want. I'd never say someone was selfish or tight for choosing to have a small inexpensive wedding, but to be effectively called wasteful and told I'm probably going to be divorced before I'm 30 is actually quite hurtful to me. Then again, maybe I'm just being too sensitive for my own good...

lostinrates

minerva_windsong wrote: »

I didn't ask my parents to pay for my wedding; they offered. Same with OH's parents. We would have pushed the wedding date back and totally paid for it on our own if we hadn't been offered any financial help, but I think it's a lovely gesture and I am incredibly grateful for it.

I totally understand disagreeing with what someone else chooses to do, but in my view there's a difference between keeping those thoughts to yourself (or voicing your concerns gently if you think it's a really bad idea but being aware it's up to them - even if they then do what they were going to do anyway) and openly slagging off someone's choices just because it's not what you want. I'd never say someone was selfish or tight for choosing to have a small inexpensive wedding, but to be effectively called wasteful and told I'm probably going to be divorced before I'm 30 is actually quite hurtful to me. Then again, maybe I'm just being too sensitive for my own good...

Well, I would say that its hurtful. Its happened to us that people haven't liked the choice we made, but we are confident we made the right choice for us and I'm not particularly sensitive about it. I', frustrated on the family I cannot always say some of the background of it to explain it without making other people sound bad so I suck up other people's frustration, but not sensitive. .

Your probably not going to be divorced (though we had that too) so I really wouldn't worry about those sort of comments. Even the stats are in your favour .

I am happy to state what I think HERE in a non personal way. I would not sit at a wedding and pass comment and in would close comment down if it were directed to me I hope.


Your parents are absolutely entitled to make their choice, as we're mine. And you are entitled to accept it, as we're we. (Or as we were entitled to refuse to).

I do think at this stage part of the 'rite' is to accept that the decisions we make are about putting our decision in this rite that we make with our partner as right for us first,and above the comment of our friends and relatives. And perhaps this in itself is a first good little test. Perhaps if you can view it that way it might help? Its still not nice, but if you can find a way to overcome it it might help more

daisiegg

minerva_windsong wrote: »

I am aware my post is an essay now but just wanted to say a huge thank you for that comment. So often I go on the wedding board and I feel like I'm being indirectly criticised because I'm having a big wedding - we like our families, they mostly get on and we want them at our wedding, and it costs to feed and water that many people - and because the handmade look, whilst lovely, just isn't right for us (although I am making some things). I'm totally in agreement that your wedding should be what you want - but that doesn't give you the right to criticise other people who do a totally different thing to you.

You are welcome. I used to find that a bit too when planning ours. Our wedding was comparatively 'big' and I won't deny it was pretty expensive (but affordable for us and no one got into debt over it!) I agree completely with your point - we love our friends and families and there are no rifts or politics and we wanted them all there! I resent the constant comments you see on these boards that imply (or outright state, in a lot of cases) that big weddings mean you are compensating for something or you are not focused on the marriage etc etc, and will end up divorced.