Getting married and not telling anyone

Pollycat

We'd decided to get married - 2nd time around for both of us - and set the date for 6 months in the future.

When I mentioned it at work, one of the young girls drove me round the bend by constantly asking me what sort of dress I was having, which venue, where the honeymoon was, where was I going for my hen party......and on and on and on and.......

I just said to my OH that I wished we'd not said anything and he said 'why not bring it forward?'.

So we did, told only immediate family who were invited and invited only close friends at the start of the holiday (Xmas Eve - we got married on NYE).

We had a lovely day, went to the local hotel restaurant for a meal (there were only 15 of us) and then everybody left for their own NYE celebrations.

TBH, I think if the OP and her OH want a secret wedding, that's entirely their own business.

I did tell people at work when I got back - I changed my name so it wasn't a secret after the fact.
I just didn't want all the fuss and palaver before the wedding.

However, neither of us had kids unlike the OP and I could understand them being upset (depending on what the relationship between kids and OP is like).

I personally don't think anyone - family or friends - has a right to be invited to a wedding so I wouldn't see this as a reason to get married without telling anyone.

Georgiegirl256

daisiegg wrote: »

I will correct that for you. Roughly 42% of the time, all marriages end in divorce. I have yet to see any evidence for this 'the bigger the wedding, the more likely the divorce' nonsense that people always trout out on this board. It just feels like reverse snobbery to me and is quite unkind to those who have chosen a 'big' wedding.

FWIW, my parents and their generation of siblings and cousins all had big (not necessarily expensive, but big in terms of hugely celebratory) flowery eighties weddings with giant meringue dresses and hundreds of guests. 25-30 years later? Marriages all still going strong. But that is purely anecdotal and proves nothing,........just like when people say they know lots of people who had big weddings and then got divorced...that also means nothing.

Obviously none of us know the exact figures regarding divorces and wether or not they had a big wedding or a small wedding, but my own personal view on why people seem to think more elaborate and expensive weddings are more doomed to fail is maybe because, the more spent the bigger the fall as in "they spent thousands on that wedding, what a total waste of money, they've only been married a year!"

Also, and this is probably in a very small minority of cases, but some brides go into wanting the big showy wedding more than the marriage itself, it looses all meaning and significance, and becomes all about seat covers and seating plans.

Prothet_of_Doom

How about "We were in Vegas, and were a bit tipsy, so thought well, what the heck"

securityguy

Another reason to get married in private would be if your sister is a stupid, manipulative !!!!!.

InsideInsurance

A colleague just announced that she got married whilst on holiday with her very long term partner. Hadn't told anyone about it beforehand but it isnt a secret afterwards.

We didnt do it in secret but only had 2 guests (friends) to the wedding itself and a handful of close friends to the party afterwards. We both have massive families, both have significant parts overseas and massive rifts and politics. We didnt want to spend a fortune and so thought it much better to not invite any family and split our budget between a small number rather than try and spread it thinly over many people.

No one in our family had any issues with it except one and that person is the cause of most the rifts on my side as she enjoys causing problems.

Gloomendoom

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Also, and this is probably in a very small minority of cases, but some brides go into wanting the big showy wedding more than the marriage itself, it loses all meaning and significance, and becomes all about seat covers and seating plans.

We should be ok. We didn't have seat covers or seating plans.

Edit: Or bridesmaids.

ska_lover

I don't think you need to explain yourselves to anyone OP, family, friends or us lot on here.

It is your life, do whatever you think is right, and to hell what everyone else thinks. It is not their wedding day, its yours


I think there is a lot to be said for completely swerving the mayhem of bridesmaids, seating plans etc

building_with_lego

daisiegg wrote: »

I will correct that for you. Roughly 42% of the time, all marriages end in divorce. I have yet to see any evidence for this 'the bigger the wedding, the more likely the divorce' nonsense that people always trout out on this board. It just feels like reverse snobbery to me and is quite unkind to those who have chosen a 'big' wedding.

...

There is something in this, actually. I can't for the life of me remember whether I read it or heard it on the radio but the gist of it was that couples who have doubts about the future of the relationship are more likely to put on a big "show" of marriage, then almost inevitably it fails- possibly hastened by the wedding debt.

It's not *quite* the same as "the bigger the wedding the more likely the divorce" though.

jackieb

building_with_lego wrote: »

There is something in this, actually. I can't for the life of me remember whether I read it or heard it on the radio but the gist of it was that couples who have doubts about the future of the relationship are more likely to put on a big "show" of marriage, then almost inevitably it fails- possibly hastened by the wedding debt.

It's not *quite* the same as "the bigger the wedding the more likely the divorce" though.

Forgive me because this is the Daily Mail, but here you go.

lostinrates

That's said, jackieb I was mooching around the Internet and saw a thesis that actually suggested the opposite.

I didn't read it mind you.....



http://deepblue.lib.umich.edu/bitstream/handle/2027.42/91806/burcham.pdf;jsessionid=2DA430D5BFAA0997EC02FB19CACE70CF?sequence=1


As a low key bride might not bode well, lol. Still....we're doing ok, . Well enough I feel confident not having to conceal evidence that potentially goes statistically against strength of my marriage. Lol. (Still haven't read it)