What would you do?

krlyr

You've temporarily left him, and postponed your wedding, because his threat of violence scared you so much. These last few months should have been him on his absolute best behaviour to try to salvage the relationship, if he wants you that badly. Either his best behaviour is atrocious (and I dread to think what he'll behave like when he hasn't got something to make up for!) or he just doesn't care about keeping you that much.

thorsoak

luckycat99 wrote: »

Well it's been a while since I have posted here.

An update: he stuck to dry-Jan and promised that he would drastically reduce the drinking and if he were to get drunk that he would stay at a friends. He has not kept either of those promises. I raised this with him in our counselling session and explained how it makes it impossible to trust him if he doesn't keep his promises.

Then earlier this week he told me that he is in masses of debt and is thinking of selling the house. I already knew he had a lot of debt (as have I - but I am managing mine) and last year his parents bailed him out by paying off a large chunk for him (£13k). They did this as they knew we had a wedding to pay for and they wanted to be sure that we wouldn't struggle. So it turns out that he has run up the debt again, so it is worse than when his parents bailed him out. I asked him what he has spent it on - he said drink and going out. Now he was supposed to pay the next instalment for the wedding (£3k) which he will not have the money for. I appreciate that the wedding is postponed at the moment (and may not happen at all) but he still promised that he would have the money (last year when parents helped him). Another reason why I feel I can't trust him.

On the whole we have been getting on well and enjoying each others company. Although the other weekend he came home drunk and started ranting and raving and throwing things around. I stayed out of his way. He just doesn't seem to get this at all. I am going to raise these things at our next counselling session but I feel at my wits end. On the one hand we mostly get on well but he is so thoughtless, inconsiderate and irresponsible.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by putting this on here but I guess it helps just to write it down and see it in black and white.

Thanks

Walk away! Things are not going to get any better - they will only get worse. You might get on well most of the time - and that is not any reason to marry him. You aren't going to have a home, he will still be in debt - and is that really how you want to start married life, being legally tied to him?

He is most certainly not a keeper.

Melonade

I didn't read this the first time round but WOW!!!

Do you want to marry someone that is in enough financial trouble that the house may have to be sold... or can't even pay for the wedding in the first place?

Once you are married what does he have to make an effort for? You have given him chances and he has gotten back into a huge amount of debt after his parents bailed him out. This is probably the biggest alarm bell for me, he has no control and cannot learn from the mistake he made first time round.

When your house is sold to pay for a drinking debt will you be thinking "well we get along pretty well most of the time, all is forgiven" or will you be thinking "you were given a chance to stop this and you still blew it"

Two people can only make it work if they both put effort in, give and take in equal amounts.

geminilady

Unless he agrees to give up drinking he will never change and you will always be in dept plus the worry of him turning violent.My husband was a drinker and lost our house through drinking,nothing else, he earned a reasonable wage just chose to spend the money on drink not the mortgage,we separated and he passed away.I now live in a council flat when I could have owned a house worth thousands.Think very very carefully.

*Louise*

Better to walk away now than regret it in 5 years time when you could have little mouths to feed.

Dry January isn't enough...13k on drink is unbelievable. Do you just sit quietly at home while he is getting lashed??

jenhug

Don't walk away, RUN as fast and as far as you can. I see nothing good coming from staying with this man!

Tigsteroonie

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

He understands what he did, he's addressing the alcohol issue (dry January) and has agreed to go for couple counselling. If he follows through on such measures, then I would say it's a fair result.

If it happens again with less/no alcohol or after counselling, then think again.

Don't give him another chance. Get out before he does you real damage - financially, emotionally or physically.

luckycat99

I'm really struggling today. Part of me knows that the best thing to do is probably leave but I love him so much. I feel panicky and physically sick at the thought of leaving him. 80% of the relationship is good but it's the other 20% that I struggle with. I know no-one is perfect and I just wish he would stick to his promises. It feels like my world is breaking.

paulineb_2

luckycat99 wrote: »

I'm really struggling today. Part of me knows that the best thing to do is probably leave but I love him so much. I feel panicky and physically sick at the thought of leaving him. 80% of the relationship is good but it's the other 20% that I struggle with. I know no-one is perfect and I just wish he would stick to his promises. It feels like my world is breaking.

I think you are in denial about how much of the relationship is good and how much is bad. He drinks to excess spending 13 grand in one year on alcohol. Hes threatened you and he continued to get drunk and throw things around after you made it clear that this behaviour had to stop.

No, no one is perfect. But he shouldnt have to be making promises. He should sort his life out, get help for his alcohol issue and his anger issue.

Theres no magic wand, but you've had enough red flags to know that this relationship is in serious trouble and he doesn't look like he wants to change.

It depends on the life you want ahead of you if you stay with him.
If someone spent 13 grand on drink in the year I was supposed to be getting married and then racked up more debt after his parents paid it off, Id be gone.

He's had his chances, he was given the benefit of the doubt, hes currently run out of chances. How many more you give him is up to you but it sounds like he has a massive alcohol problem, over a grand a month on booze, thats 30 quid a night. He needs help, if he wont get it, then your future isnt going to be a rosy one.

luckycat99

Overdue update:

So he has managed to cut down on the drinking. It seems the money wasn't spent on drink but gambling. He has gambled £70k in the last year. I found out three weeks ago. Gambling has now stopped and he has self-excluded from the websites he was using.

From the reading I've been doing, it's an illness (compulsive gambling) but I'm running low on sympathy unsurprisingly. I have no idea if the previous behaviour could be related to the gambling.