What would you do?

luckycat99

This discussion is really helpful because it reflects some of my thinking processes i.e. can he change/what does his behaviour mean etc.

It's tricky because I've taken on board what you said about deciding but there's a lot to consider. If I had a crystal ball and could know if he would ever do it again - that would help but there is also the trust issue.

paulineb_2

As for what I would personally do, its a hard one, I grew up with domestic violence and I have a very low tolerance to physical violence as I saw family go through it, but Ive been in relationships that I ended because they were mentally abusive, my experience of people and this is my own experience Im specifically talking about is that when someone is abusive, they can think they are in the right, that its ok to behave like that way and that you are the problem, ie they wont change their behaviour and thats why I got out.

The bottom line is, things dont need to be roses around the door all the time but if you are miserable and you dont think things will change, well I couldnt stay in a relationship, long term or not if I really wasnt happy, Id have to leave, it grinds you down in the end.

Ive also seen people marry someone who went through something like this, only he did hit her and the marriage lasted a few months. What you can tolerate will depend from person to person, I think deep down, you'll know pretty soon whether you want to stay or leave.

Errata

He's unpredictable, you never know when he'll turn up drunk and if he does whether he'll be nice or nasty. Now you don't know if he'll turn up drunk and threaten you again or if it was a one-off. That's a pretty toxic situation to live with.
Both of those scenarios light up a big sign in my head which reads 'You don't do that to me and get away scot free - shape up or ship out'

Bazey

I'm a guy who in the past has been in a relationship with a woman who hit me on at least half a dozen different occasions, towards the end of our relationship she accused me of raising my hand to her when she had launched a metal trolley at me and injured my wrist, picked up the phone and threatened to call the police.

A threat of violence is still domestic abuse. It has more chance of getting worse than getting better.

Richard53

hazyjo wrote: »

I had been so frustrated and fed up and the anger was at boiling point. Alcohol brought that out. It didn't mean that I was naturally a horrible person.

This thread has made me think, and I will modify what I was saying earlier. Drink may not bring out the 'real' person, but it does bring out 'real' feelings at the time, as you demonstrate in your example here. You were angry, and the drink caused you to express that anger in an uncharacteristic way.

In other words, the drink didn't make you angry; the anger made you angry, and the drink revealed it in a way you (and your partner) might not have expected. So no, you are not a nasty person, but you were at that time an angry person.

Which brings me back to the OP's situation. Maybe the man was temporarily angry and the drink made him threaten things that the anger made him feel. Without the drink, the anger might have remained hidden; but without the anger, there would have been nothing to hide. So, if it was a one-off incident, put it down to a loss of temper and the booze talking. But if it happens more than once, there is an issue that the drink is merely exposing to public gaze.

Living with someone who is permanently angry with you (drink or no drink) when you have done nothing to deserve it is no life at all. I know; I have a 14-year campaign medal for that one.

hazyjo

^^ exactly that, Richard. It's getting to the real root of the problem that's difficult - often people don't even know they're angry, depressed, stressed or worried about something.

Jx

luckycat99

I'm currently waiting to speak to our wedding organiser at our venue about postponing the wedding. She's calling later this morning. I feel physically sick and anxious.

EpsomOldie

luckycat99 wrote: »

I'm currently waiting to speak to our wedding organiser at our venue about postponing the wedding. She's calling later this morning. I feel physically sick and anxious.

Well done you, LuckyCat. That can't have been an easy decison to have made. Nonetheless, it sounds like it's the right one for you (and I agree too for what it's worth).

As others have said lots of times on these boards, it's the marriage that's the important thing rather than the froth and flummery of the wedding. And it's a lot, lot easier (and less traumatic, messy and expensive) to postpone - or cancel - a wedding than it is to undo a marriage.

I hope the conversation with the wedding organiser went satisfactorily.

Please trust your instincts. And keep telling yourself, "at this stage in a relationship, this is as good as it gets."

EO xxx

Izadora

I think ending a 7 year relationship over something which, while deeply unpleasant, doesn't sound like it's anywhere close to the norm would be a bit of an overreaction. Only you can know how it's making you feel though and you need to do whatever feels right for you.
Also, regarding alcohol revealing a person's true character, it can very much depend on what you're drinking. I'm totally a giggle and fall over kind of a drunk unless I have tequila, which I have to avoid at all costs as it turns me into a raving lunatic who could start a fight in an empty room.

luckycat99

I spoke to the venue. They have asked for £3k in order to postpone the wedding. This will be taken off the total bill once we get married and the venue have said that it will reassure them that we are going to go ahead with it. Not sure what to do - we've already given them a £3k non-refundable deposit.

We also had a conversation tonight. He can sense that I'm not completely sure about us and it is affecting his hope for our future. That makes me really sad - he has always been the one who has been hopeful when we've had bad times before, for him to waver is difficult, but I can see why.

I've started therapy and been doing some honest reflection and reading some books. I'm starting to realise my contribution to things and part of me hopes that we can fix it but then another part wonders if that's the way forward. It doesn't help that I'm quite low at the moment (due to original post) so I'm feeling less hopeful in general. We do still really love each other and I do take him for granted at times - he's not perfect either mind you but anyway, I don't know.

I'm sorry for waffling but I feel like it helps to write this on here - even if no-one else reads it. I just need to get my head straight and this is helping.

Thanks