What would you do?

Errata

How do any of us know hes treating her with contempt.

Because -
"When he is very drunk he sometimes comes home and starts an argument with me out of the blue".
In other words treating her as a verbal punchbag, and if that's not contempt I don't know what is.

paulineb_2

Errata wrote: »

Because -
"When he is very drunk he sometimes comes home and starts an argument with me out of the blue".
In other words treating her as a verbal punchbag, and if that's not contempt I don't know what is.

The problem seems to be his drinking. Im sure Ive said things to people when Ive been drunk that Id not have said sober and I bet Im far from the only one.

I bet its not easy to get someone to quit drinking if they dont want to.
But if you have these red flags and the problem is the alcohol, then cutting drink out would seem the best idea.

If hes still like that sober, its not the alcohol. Also, without reading back, she said they were under a lot of stress, again, Im sure there have been times when Ive been very stressed that Ive behaved in a way that I wouldnt have when my life was on an even keel.

Try and sort out the underlying issues, if theres still no progress, then the OP will know its got nothing to do with the drink, or the stress.

I still think moving back in without being sure whether she wants to stay with him is less than productive and might not help matters in the long run.

jenhug

I adore my husband, but if he ever made me feel even the smallest bit afraid of him, I could never forgive him.

globetraveller

jenhug wrote: »

I adore my husband, but if he ever made me feel even the smallest bit afraid of him, I could never forgive him.

lets get this into perspective. It happened once and she wasn't THAT afraid if she told him to go ahead and hit her. It's easy to say what you think you would do when you don't actually have to carry it out. He has never done that in the 7 years they have been together. He hasn't hit her. Assuming we have the whole story then there is every chance he will never threaten again.
But in the end, it is something only the OP can decide upon. She knows the true situation and what she is happy with

paulineb_2

globetraveller wrote: »

lets get this into perspective. It happened once and she wasn't THAT afraid if she told him to go ahead and hit her. It's easy to say what you think you would do when you don't actually have to carry it out. He has never done that in the 7 years they have been together. He hasn't hit her. Assuming we have the whole story then there is every chance he will never threaten again.
But in the end, it is something only the OP can decide upon. She knows the true situation and what she is happy with

I think that makes a lot of sense.

luckycat99

Thank you that does make a lot of sense. It's so helpful to get everyones input as it helps me see the wood from the trees.

Thank you

marisco_2

It all depends on what constitutes being a deal breaker for you. Personally I could not commit to being with someone that I did not feel able to place 100% trust in any more. Can any amount of him feeling ashamed, promising to do whatever it takes, going to counselling etc enable you to feel totally safe around him now? Or will you always be wondering if he might threaten you again and follow through with it next time?

jenhug

globetraveller wrote: »

lets get this into perspective. It happened once and she wasn't THAT afraid if she told him to go ahead and hit her. It's easy to say what you think you would do when you don't actually have to carry it out. He has never done that in the 7 years they have been together. He hasn't hit her. Assuming we have the whole story then there is every chance he will never threaten again.
But in the end, it is something only the OP can decide upon. She knows the true situation and what she is happy with

I have squared up to people who have threatened me and I have been terrified. Adrenaline stopped me running away (fight or flight) I am no runner - too heavy!

You are correct, it is easy to say what you would do in the same situation, this was the whole point of the OP.

I would like to think, if my husband threatened me with violence, I would have the courage to walk, because I feel the damage to the trust between us would be irreparable.

Vicky123

globetraveller wrote: »

lets get this into perspective. It happened once and she wasn't THAT afraid if she told him to go ahead and hit her. It's easy to say what you think you would do when you don't actually have to carry it out. He has never done that in the 7 years they have been together. He hasn't hit her. Assuming we have the whole story then there is every chance he will never threaten again.
But in the end, it is something only the OP can decide upon. She knows the true situation and what she is happy with

Abuse doesn't have to be physical, the threat is enough and he has come home more than once and started arguments, if anything he has just moved it up a gear.
Instinct is telling her it's wrong, it's a bad idea to ignore your instincts, she's been with him 7 years and this is worrying her.

Richard53

Just to throw something else in the mix: people often say that someone's behaviour when drunk is 'out of character'. I disagree. I reckon how you behave when you are drunk is very much in character. Once the alcohol has loosened off all the social inhibitions, what you see is arguably the real person.

I have had arguments with women where we have been red-faced and screaming, and my anger has been almost uncontrollable, proper red-mist stuff. But I have never once hit a woman, nor threatened to. I would walk out of the house and under a bus before I did that. I have punched holes in wooden doors, and once even a hole in a plaster wall that broke my hand, but I have never raised my fist to a woman (or a man, come to that, except in self-defence). So it isn't the drink that does it. It's what the drink reveals.

He threatens you with violence, that's what he is thinking. He just hides it well when sober.

That perhaps seems a bit extreme, and it's probably not the answer, but it's a way of looking at the problem. If someone I lived with threatened me with violence, I could never trust them again.