What would you do?

74jax

You dared him to hit you?

luckycat99

Alikay wrote: »

That depends. Did he just come back from the pub shouting and threatening you, or did you have a row which culminated in him threatening you due to him being less articulate/able to negotiate down to the state he was in? Does he get drunk regularly?

We didn't have a row. I was asleep in bed when he got back. He said he had tripped over something of mine in the bathroom and had fallen and hurt himself quite badly. He acknowledges that it was still out of order to threaten me and that the problem was the fact that he was drunk. He does get drunk regularly. He started verbal abuse and then when I insisted that he sleep on the sofa (as I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him after him having a go at me) - he then threatened me.

luckycat99

Goldiegirl wrote: »

I think we need to establish whether this was a regular occurrence, or a one off, out of character situation.

If it was the former, I would have ended the relationship by now, but if it was the latter, I'd have talked to him the very next day, to find out exactly what he was thinking, and to make it clear such behaviour should never ever happen again, drunk or sober.

You say this happened before Christmas - what has happened since? Has he apologised, or have you discussed it at all?

He has never threatened me before. I left him the next day and spent a couple of weeks sleeping on friends and family's sofas over Xmas. During this time we met up and talked a lot about what happened. I agreed to come back as I love him. I've made it clear that if it happens again, it's over.

luckycat99

74jax wrote: »

You dared him to hit you?

Probably not the wisest but in the moment - he threatened to hit me and I said in a quite confrontational way "I dare you".

luckycat99

74jax wrote: »

I totally agree with daisiegg.

Having been in an abusive relationship, and now married to someone else, I know the difference in our arguments. I can be a right cow at times and tbh surprised hubby has just slammed doors in frustration at me.....

I think there may be more to it though, as it's several weeks later and you're on a forum asking the question. Doesn't matter what we would do, if it bothers you, you can't move on with bf, and you can't stop thinking about it, then you need to take action.

Discuss and move on as a couple - don't throw it back in his face - or discuss and call it a day.

I guess, I know it's my decision but at the same time I don't know if I'm over-reacting. My tolerance threshold for anger etc is quite low due to childhood stuff so I'm finding it helpful to hear about how other people might respond to this.

bagpussbear

I would feel very hurt and let down.

But would I end the relationship would depend on other stuff going on - is he controlling, how is the relationship and closeness in general etc?

I think actually you are going about things the right way, and are wise to postpone the wedding. Indeed don't feel like you have to marry at all if you are unsure at the moment, and certainly don't put the marriage date back on the cards just because you've had a few counselling sessions that are going well, in my opinion.

Sounds like the drink is indeed the trigger and this needs to be addressed.

You are not over reacting, indeed who wants to be threatened to be walloped, male or female, certainly not by someone who is meant to love you dearly.

But given you've been with him a fair long while, and its out of character, I wouldn't write him off just yet.

good luck.

jaylee3

My God girl, do you even need to ask?! :eek:

It's a slippery slope once you start tolerating violence, or even threats of it. Get out now.

Errata

If he only gets angry and threatens physical violenence when he's drunk, tell him to go teetotal if he's prepared to do anything to make sure it never happens again.

balletshoes

luckycat99 wrote: »

Ladies, what would you do if your OH came home drunk and threatened to hit you?

We are engaged and been together for about 7 years. He did the above just before Xmas and I'm wondering whether I'm over-reacting and wondering how other people would respond to this kind of situation.

Thanks

why did he threaten to hit you? I mean, what came before that threat (not saying its okay for him to make that threat, just wondering what happened beforehand or if it came completely out of the blue).

balletshoes

luckycat99 wrote: »

When he is very drunk he sometimes comes home and starts an argument with me out of the blue. He said the words and showed no signs of doing it - he could barely stand up.
I was angry in the moment and (me being very feisty) I dared him to do it - he didn't.
I then made him sleep on the sofa and
once I had calmed down I felt very scared.
He is a big guy and if he did choose to do it I'd have no hope. He is under a lot of stress, as am I. I don't think he meant it and he is incredibly sorry and is prepared to do whatever it takes to make it right. However if he got that drunk again - I don't know what he might do, although I would never have predicted that he would threaten me.

okay well a couple of things - you need to learn to keep control of yourself - daring someone to hit you is just asking for trouble.

however, you say you felt very scared once you had calmed down, and him getting very drunk and starting arguments with you isn't a one-off.

I still don't know why he threatened to hit you, and picks fights with you when he's very drunk, whats that about?

And can you continue to live with it - especially if you have kids together? Only you know the answer to that.