What would you do?

Alikay

luckycat99 wrote: »

We didn't have a row. I was asleep in bed when he got back. He said he had tripped over something of mine in the bathroom and had fallen and hurt himself quite badly. He acknowledges that it was still out of order to threaten me and that the problem was the fact that he was drunk. He does get drunk regularly. He started verbal abuse and then when I insisted that he sleep on the sofa (as I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him after him having a go at me) - he then threatened me.

Obviously you know a lot more about your relationship, but I'd probably leave him based on that information.

Buzzybee90

A drunken threat and actual violence are hugely different. Some parents say things like "I will smack you so hard you won't be able to sit down for a fortnight" - they don't actually do it though. If he'd said it when he was sober and angry my answer would be the same.

I'd probably have sulked for about five minutes and then got on with life.

victory

So, he drinks too much, comes home, gets angry and wants to start picking a fight, acts controlling, aggressive, abusive, threatening, then goes to sleep after all the above, wakes up the next day full of apologies but damage has been done, not physical this time but making you jumpy, worried, concerned for your safety, unhappy, questioning the relationship , not good signs for a long, peaceful, loving marriage would you say?

Tiglath

If I were in your shoes, I'd insist on him going teetotal, insist on counselling, and if I still wasn't able to trust him after that, it would be over.

Tigsteroonie

He understands what he did, he's addressing the alcohol issue (dry January) and has agreed to go for couple counselling. If he follows through on such measures, then I would say it's a fair result.

If it happens again with less/no alcohol or after counselling, then think again.

paulineb_2

Daring someone to hit you when they've already threatened you with violence isn't wise. At all.

I think counselling is a good idea. Does he gave an issue with alcohol? If so it's possibly more than dry January he needs to do.

And if you are reacting to him in a confrontational way, there's maybe more issues you need to discuss before making a decision either to stay together or split.

FBaby

The way I see it, he was very drunk, hurt himself, started throwing threatening words, you challenged him to act on it, he didn't rise to it, went to bed, apologised the following day and recognised that he drinks too much.

Well, all for themselves, but in your shoes, assuming all is well in your relationship otherwise, I defnitely wouldn't dump a good man with whom I had a commited relationship with on this basis.

What I would do though is made it clear that this level of drinking is not ok. He realises it, that's a good start, but it needs to be more than just giving up in January.

theoretica

luckycat99 wrote: »

My tolerance threshold for anger etc is quite low ...

Does he know this?

I agree about the alcohol. Get him to add up how much it costs and think about a treat with the money saved.

jtr2803

As a child that experienced significant domestic violence in the home I appreciate my tolerance for anything along these lines is probably lower than most....

But if my husband came home drunk, tripped over something of mine and threatened to hit me I think he wouldn't be surprised in the slightest for me to end our relationship at that point, whether it is a first offense or not. Bullies do this because mental and emotional violence carries no physical evidence. I could not imagine threatening someone I love because I had a drunken accident.

If he knows he starts arguments when drunk, why drink? This wouldn't be a relationship ending offense for me the first time but it would be if it kept happening. It sounds like it's now moved a step up from that and it sounds like there is some underlying anger management issues, that would be more than enough for me. Being scared of someone you are supposed to be marrying is not conducive to a loving and successful relationship IMO.

stormbreaker

As usual I have not read all the responses but you seem to be getting your heads togather to move forward and seeking help.

However you have to ask yourself if you want to live in fear of what might happen everytime he goes out.

It would not be good for wither of you.