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What would you do?

luckycat99
Posts: 319 Forumite

Ladies, what would you do if your OH came home drunk and threatened to hit you?
We are engaged and been together for about 7 years. He did the above just before Xmas and I'm wondering whether I'm over-reacting and wondering how other people would respond to this kind of situation.
Thanks
We are engaged and been together for about 7 years. He did the above just before Xmas and I'm wondering whether I'm over-reacting and wondering how other people would respond to this kind of situation.
Thanks
14 projects in 2014: 3/14
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Comments
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Well I am not a lady but my answer would be......
He would be an ex the next morning and out on the street.0 -
You need to say a lot more to be able to really advise. Was it totally out of character? Did he say the words, but show no signs of actually doing it or did you feel threatened. Is he under stress? Most importantly, do you think he meant it, could have done it and is likely to do it one day?0
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Given he was drunk at the time and didn't actually hit you I don't think I would leave straight away but I would want to be having a pretty serious talk about what happened when he was sober and find out if there's something bothering him. You've been together 7years and if this behaviour is out of the norm for him then something has clearly happened that he hasn't yet told you about so give him the chance to talk to you. If he doesn't tell you what's wrong then I would be considering ending it as I couldn't be with someone that doesn't trust me enough to tell me what's happening in their life.Starting Mortgage Balance: £264,800 (8th Aug 2014)
Current Mortgage Balance: £269,750 (18th April 2016)0 -
My husband has actually hit (slapped, really, and not hard) me once, a long time ago. We were both VERY drunk - too drunk, completely out of control of ourselves - and I deserved it (not in a downtrodden woman way, in a I had done something appalling way). Evidently I did not leave him, as he is now my husband! He has never laid a hand on me in anger again, and certainly never made threats or anything.
This may be a very unpopular comment but I think only you know your OH and whether this is out of character for him, how he treats you normally, and whether he is a danger to you. And threatening to do something is not nice, but it is not the same as actually doing it. He may say something in the heat of the moment while very drunk, but never actually dream of laying a hand on you. Really, only you can know whether that is the case. It is still not ok to say it, but it is not as bad as doing it. Have you talked about it since? What does he say when sober?0 -
luckycat99 wrote: »Ladies, what would you do if your OH came home drunk and threatened to hit you?
Personally, I wouldn't argue with someone when they were very drunk, not because I'd fear they'd get angry, but because they're incapable at that time of making sense of the situation and how it's making me (or others) feel.0 -
You need to say a lot more to be able to really advise. Was it totally out of character? Did he say the words, but show no signs of actually doing it or did you feel threatened. Is he under stress? Most importantly, do you think he meant it, could have done it and is likely to do it one day?
When he is very drunk he sometimes comes home and starts an argument with me out of the blue. He said the words and showed no signs of doing it - he could barely stand up. I was angry in the moment and (me being very feisty) I dared him to do it - he didn't. I then made him sleep on the sofa and once I had calmed down I felt very scared. He is a big guy and if he did choose to do it I'd have no hope. He is under a lot of stress, as am I. I don't think he meant it and he is incredibly sorry and is prepared to do whatever it takes to make it right. However if he got that drunk again - I don't know what he might do, although I would never have predicted that he would threaten me.14 projects in 2014: 3/140 -
I think we need to establish whether this was a regular occurrence, or a one off, out of character situation.
If it was the former, I would have ended the relationship by now, but if it was the latter, I'd have talked to him the very next day, to find out exactly what he was thinking, and to make it clear such behaviour should never ever happen again, drunk or sober.
You say this happened before Christmas - what has happened since? Has he apologised, or have you discussed it at all?Early retired - 18th December 2014
If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough0 -
luckycat99 wrote: »When he is very drunk he sometimes comes home and starts an argument with me out of the blue. He said the words and showed no signs of doing it - he could barely stand up. I was angry in the moment and (me being very feisty) I dared him to do it - he didn't. I then made him sleep on the sofa and once I had calmed down I felt very scared. He is a big guy and if he did choose to do it I'd have no hope. He is under a lot of stress, as am I. I don't think he meant it and he is incredibly sorry and is prepared to do whatever it takes to make it right. However if he got that drunk again - I don't know what he might do, although I would never have predicted that he would threaten me.
Well, you have answered my post.
I don't think daring a drunk to hit you was the way to handle it.
I ink you should be talking him when you he is sober, and you are both calm. Explain to him how you feel, and that his behaviour is unacceptable . To my mind, if it happened again, it would be the last time - the relationship would be over if there was a repeat.
It sounds as if he has a problem with alcohol - perhaps he needs help with that?Early retired - 18th December 2014
If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough0 -
I totally agree with daisiegg.
Having been in an abusive relationship, and now married to someone else, I know the difference in our arguments. I can be a right cow at times and tbh surprised hubby has just slammed doors in frustration at me.....
I think there may be more to it though, as it's several weeks later and you're on a forum asking the question. Doesn't matter what we would do, if it bothers you, you can't move on with bf, and you can't stop thinking about it, then you need to take action.
Discuss and move on as a couple - don't throw it back in his face - or discuss and call it a day.Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....0 -
Have you talked about it since? What does he say when sober?
He is genuinely ashamed of himself and crushed that he said that to me. He said that he said it to hurt me but that he can't believe that he could do that to me. He said he's stressed and angry and that he knows he needs to drink significantly less. He is currently doing dry-January.
He has agreed to go for couples counselling to get to the bottom of this and see if we can fix it. We are also postponing the wedding - meant to be this summer, as until we have spoken to someone about this and I have time to process it, I don't know how I feel about staying with him. I really love him but I also need to think about the future and our future kids. I do think he's genuinely sorry.14 projects in 2014: 3/140
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