What would you do?

marisco_2

Richard53 wrote: »

Just to throw something else in the mix: people often say that someone's behaviour when drunk is 'out of character'. I disagree. I reckon how you behave when you are drunk is very much in character. Once the alcohol has loosened off all the social inhibitions, what you see is arguably the real person.

I totally agree with this. I saw the real side to my ex when he was drunk. The first time he threatened to hit me I didn't believe he ever really would. It is horrifying how wrong you can be about someone you think you know inside out and trust without question.

hazyjo

You know what... I think the 'starting arguments when drunk' thing is worse. That is a constant. I lived with it. My 2nd husband was a drinker. Put himself in hospital twice with heart scares (over 200 bpm/atrial fibrilation).

I remember several times when he came home totally drunk and started something for the sake of it. But I am also quite defensive (like the OP) and sometimes you didn't even really understand they were saying things because they were drunk. Your back goes up and you react. Looking back in the cold light of day, the best thing would be to walk away. But it doesn't always work like that.

I remember once I was making our wedding invitations. He'd been out with some of his old (alcoholic) friends. He walked in swinging a bottle of tequila which he'd started on the way home (which he never used to drink) and had been on the Strongbow (at least) all day. And not talking 5 or 6 pints to be !!!!!!, it was more like a minimum of 12 pints of Strongbow, plus 'chasers, shots, whatever. I was pleased to see him when he walked in the door, but, because I was sitting at the table and concentrating, he just started on me. Things like 'what is your effing problem...' and making out like I had a face like thunder (which I didn't - I'd been in a bloody good mood 'til he walked through the door!). That was the first major time I'd seen it. Was before our wedding. There were plenty more. I should have walked then.

He never hit me and I don't remembering him threatening to. He scared me though. Was also a wide (overweight but very strong) stocky bloke (built like a BSH! Not someone you'd want to mess with).

There were good times, he was a good man - but he was so nasty when really drunk - especially on cider. I hated that version of himself. When he used to come round when I moved into my BF's flat (he stayed friends with us both), most of the time he was fine, but sometimes he'd come in and start a fight with me.

I wonder how much of it his new GF sees. Heard from a friend today that he's still in the pub every chance he gets when she's away, but she keeps a tight leash on him when she's with him.

If it's a one-off drinking too much and getting abusive which is totally out of character, that's different. I did that a couple of times when I was splitting up with him. Think I was in the middle of a breakdown with all that was going on. I think he feared for his life on one occasion as I came home angry as hell and just yelled and yelled - went ballistic actually. Had got myself in a total state, left my bag, coat, everything at the pub (luckily a friend took it) and basically came home and almost kicked the front door in. God knows what the neighbours thought. I'm usually very calm, collected and logical, and it was very out of character. I wouldn't have hurt him. I was just tearing myself inside out with stress, grief, etc. I think I just 'broke'.

If he often comes home drunk and verbally abusive/aggressive, I can assure you that won't change. He's likely to always be like that when he drinks too much. Up to you as to whether you put up with it. Personally, from my experience, it's a HORRIBLE way to live.

Jx

ostrichnomore_2

Hi OP

What an awful thing to have happened. It sounds like he feels ashamed - and he should do. Regardless of the fact that he didn't do it, and he was so drunk as not to be capable of doing it, that sort of threat is outrageous. I agree that being drunk doesn't so much change someone's character as bring out the nasty bits more strongly. So yes, it would really worry me if my OH said that.

The drinking sounds like a big problem. He comes home and picks on you. this time he threatened violence too.

I'd only consider staying if he agreed - and acted upon - a promise to cut back on the drink. No more alcohol fuelled nastiness and arguments. You should not put up with this - not even one more time.

My new OH is an obnoxious jerk when very drunk. Argumentative as well, not against me seriously, but more wanting to put the world to rights and aggressively debate politics and all sorts of drunken venting and rambling that he'd inflict on me. Did get angry a couple of times when I refused to rise to the bait. But mostly Boring and Annoying. Not happened since I said one morning, perfectly calmly and coolly - 'I'm not going to live with this behaviour'. He still goes out with his mates, but he does not get drunk. I didn't tell him not to drink. I didn't tell him to drink less. But I was 100% clear that I wasn't going to tolerate this behaviour towards me afterwards. He values our relationship more than a few pints - does your OH?

I also know a happily married couple where the man is banned from drinking one specific type of alcohol as it invariably turns him nasty. anything else, no problem.

So it wouldn't say it must be the end of your relationship. But he needs to make a very big change, immediately, and with no backsliding. And you need to be strong on that. No ultimatums, no 'do this or else'. But be firm on what behaviour will make your relationship impossible.

Errata

A man who mistreats a woman under any circumstances loses the right to be treated like a man.

System

I'm not sure I agree with sink showing the "real person"

I have on 1 occasion been pretty unpleasant when drunk (I'd drank a box of wine, but was not abusive just not pleasant and not very pleasant to deal with) I'd hate to think that people thought in any way shape or form that was the "real" me as I'm nothing like that normally. I suppose the difference is I recognised that alcohol could have that effect on me and drastically cut down my drinking as I never wanted to be like that again. I felt incredibly ashamed by how I'd acted but honestly I don't think drunk me is the real me.

paulineb_2

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I'm not sure I agree with sink showing the "real person"

I have on 1 occasion been pretty unpleasant when drunk (I'd drank a box of wine, but was not abusive just not pleasant and not very pleasant to deal with) I'd hate to think that people thought in any way shape or form that was the "real" me as I'm nothing like that normally. I suppose the difference is I recognised that alcohol could have that effect on me and drastically cut down my drinking as I never wanted to be like that again. I felt incredibly ashamed by how I'd acted but honestly I don't think drunk me is the real me.

I dont either. Drink lowers peoples inhibitions, it depresses part of the central nervous system, some people arent very nice drunks and they might not be very nice sober either, but I know some people who are very decent people indeed who have done some incredibly ridiculous things when drunk.

And I dont think that this guy has necessarily been thinking about hitting his partner when hes been sober and its come out when hes been drunk. He could have said it on the spur of the moment, a really stupid thing to say, but it doesnt mean hes been sitting for weeks thinking I want to slap/hit her.

Richard53

paulineb wrote: »

And I dont think that this guy has necessarily been thinking about hitting his partner when hes been sober and its come out when hes been drunk. He could have said it on the spur of the moment, a really stupid thing to say, but it doesnt mean hes been sitting for weeks thinking I want to slap/hit her.

But where did those thoughts come from? There's nothing in alcohol that makes people violent. It's a depressant, and it loosens inhibitions, as you correctly say. But the violent thoughts don't come down the neck of the bottle into your brain. If they did, then we would all be violent when drunk. And I can say with complete certainty that I have never once had a violent thought or done a violent action when drunk. Very much the reverse - I get soppy and affectionate, I think I am wittier and better-looking than I really am, and then I go to sleep. So where are the violent thoughts that alcohol is supposed to bring me? I will say and do things that I wouldn't do when sober, but they are things that I was already thinking anyway, but suppressed for social reasons, such as fancying someone inappropriate, or telling someone what I really think of them.

I'm not trying to start an argument here, and I genuinely don't have any expertise or know the answer. But it always puzzles me when people say that they act out of character when drunk. If the violent thougts aren't in the liquid you drink, where do they come from?

hazyjo

Richard53 wrote: »

But where did those thoughts come from? There's nothing in alcohol that makes people violent. It's a depressant, and it loosens inhibitions, as you correctly say. But the violent thoughts don't come down the neck of the bottle into your brain. If they did, then we would all be violent when drunk. And I can say with complete certainty that I have never once had a violent thought or done a violent action when drunk. Very much the reverse - I get soppy and affectionate, I think I am wittier and better-looking than I really am, and then I go to sleep. So where are the violent thoughts that alcohol is supposed to bring me? I will say and do things that I wouldn't do when sober, but they are things that I was already thinking anyway, but suppressed for social reasons, such as fancying someone inappropriate, or telling someone what I really think of them.

I'm not trying to start an argument here, and I genuinely don't have any expertise or know the answer. But it always puzzles me when people say that they act out of character when drunk. If the violent thougts aren't in the liquid you drink, where do they come from?

Agree with the others that it does not bring out the real person - but can see what you're saying, Richard, and would like to add another side - it brings out suppressed/underlying anger.

I am usually a happy, silly (and, yes, I too am hilarious when !!!!!!!) drunk. But... on the occasions where there is underlying resentment or anger, I am horrible. I was nasty as hell when I came home that time to my ex (mentioned above) and, despite being 5'2" and not very confrontational or loud and larey, I was kicking the front door like a madwoman and was shouting all sorts at my ex. We hadn't actually split up, but we were on the verge. I had been so frustrated and fed up and the anger was at boiling point. Alcohol brought that out. It didn't mean that I was naturally a horrible person.

Jx

paulineb_2

Richard53 wrote: »

But where did those thoughts come from? There's nothing in alcohol that makes people violent. It's a depressant, and it loosens inhibitions, as you correctly say. But the violent thoughts don't come down the neck of the bottle into your brain. If they did, then we would all be violent when drunk. And I can say with complete certainty that I have never once had a violent thought or done a violent action when drunk. Very much the reverse - I get soppy and affectionate, I think I am wittier and better-looking than I really am, and then I go to sleep. So where are the violent thoughts that alcohol is supposed to bring me? I will say and do things that I wouldn't do when sober, but they are things that I was already thinking anyway, but suppressed for social reasons, such as fancying someone inappropriate, or telling someone what I really think of them.

I'm not trying to start an argument here, and I genuinely don't have any expertise or know the answer. But it always puzzles me when people say that they act out of character when drunk. If the violent thougts aren't in the liquid you drink, where do they come from?

Everyone reacts to alcohol differently. Some people might get soppy and affectionate, some people might get aggressive. I dont believe that means that people are always aggressive and the drink magnifies those feelings. Some people dont react well with alcohol.

It could have been the first thing that popped into his head, shes annoying me, I'll tell her I'll slap her, that doesnt mean that hes been sitting thinking about it for months or even that hed say it sober, as I said, alcohol can make people say and do ridiculous stuff.

I actually dont believe in the saying a drunk person always tells the truth, to me thats just an urban myth along with the drink yourself sober. It depresses the central nervous system of the brain and thats why peoples inhibitions go.

Im not excusing what hes done, I just dont believe its 100 per cent certain that hes a nasty aggressive person when sober because he is when drunk.

Lots of people kick booze and turn their lives around.

Tancred

luckycat99 wrote: »

Ladies, what would you do if your OH came home drunk and threatened to hit you?

We are engaged and been together for about 7 years. He did the above just before Xmas and I'm wondering whether I'm over-reacting and wondering how other people would respond to this kind of situation.

Thanks

Depends on whether this has happened before or if there is a particular reason for this behaviour. If he does this regularly then definitely show him the door.