What would you do?

emsywoo123

luckycat99 wrote: »

I spoke to the venue. They have asked for £3k in order to postpone the wedding. This will be taken off the total bill once we get married and the venue have said that it will reassure them that we are going to go ahead with it. Not sure what to do - we've already given them a £3k non-refundable deposit.

We also had a conversation tonight. He can sense that I'm not completely sure about us and it is affecting his hope for our future. That makes me really sad - he has always been the one who has been hopeful when we've had bad times before, for him to waver is difficult, but I can see why.

I've started therapy and been doing some honest reflection and reading some books. I'm starting to realise my contribution to things and part of me hopes that we can fix it but then another part wonders if that's the way forward. It doesn't help that I'm quite low at the moment (due to original post) so I'm feeling less hopeful in general. We do still really love each other and I do take him for granted at times - he's not perfect either mind you but anyway, I don't know.

I'm sorry for waffling but I feel like it helps to write this on here - even if no-one else reads it. I just need to get my head straight and this is helping.

Thanks

I, relationship-wise, am an absolute disaster zone. Seriously. Even me posting on this board could cause 17 break ups and 44 divorces such is my ability to be horrific at getting my happy ever after.

But you're not alone, and do keep posting, if you want to. I have no advice (well I have tons, but I think it's of no use!!) but you do have our ears.

Money_maker

Thats a big deposit for the venue, have you any paperwork which details charges for postponing etc? I would be inclined to leave it a while. If you are due to marry in the summer then you should know a couple of months before if theres any likelihood you will. Better to lose 3K (ouch!) rather than 6K.

TBH I think that once you start questioning whether it is the right thing to do, the relationship will decline. Better to be 100% sure than make a mistake you have to live with.

Morglin

luckycat99 wrote: »

We didn't have a row. I was asleep in bed when he got back. He said he had tripped over something of mine in the bathroom and had fallen and hurt himself quite badly. He acknowledges that it was still out of order to threaten me and that the problem was the fact that he was drunk. He does get drunk regularly. He started verbal abuse and then when I insisted that he sleep on the sofa (as I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him after him having a go at me) - he then threatened me.

The regularly getting drunk should be causing warning bells to ring - never mind verbal abuse and threats! :eek:

Unless he stops drinking, and sticks to it, I would get rid, to be honest.

Lin

luckycat99

Well it's been a while since I have posted here.

An update: he stuck to dry-Jan and promised that he would drastically reduce the drinking and if he were to get drunk that he would stay at a friends. He has not kept either of those promises. I raised this with him in our counselling session and explained how it makes it impossible to trust him if he doesn't keep his promises.

Then earlier this week he told me that he is in masses of debt and is thinking of selling the house. I already knew he had a lot of debt (as have I - but I am managing mine) and last year his parents bailed him out by paying off a large chunk for him (£13k). They did this as they knew we had a wedding to pay for and they wanted to be sure that we wouldn't struggle. So it turns out that he has run up the debt again, so it is worse than when his parents bailed him out. I asked him what he has spent it on - he said drink and going out. Now he was supposed to pay the next instalment for the wedding (£3k) which he will not have the money for. I appreciate that the wedding is postponed at the moment (and may not happen at all) but he still promised that he would have the money (last year when parents helped him). Another reason why I feel I can't trust him.

On the whole we have been getting on well and enjoying each others company. Although the other weekend he came home drunk and started ranting and raving and throwing things around. I stayed out of his way. He just doesn't seem to get this at all. I am going to raise these things at our next counselling session but I feel at my wits end. On the one hand we mostly get on well but he is so thoughtless, inconsiderate and irresponsible.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by putting this on here but I guess it helps just to write it down and see it in black and white.

Thanks

Saturnalia

How does anyone spend £13k+ in a year on drink?!? Is he ever home and sober at all?

Forget the wedding. Get out now. Before you're stuck trying to raise a couple of children as a single mum to all intents and purposes, while party boy drinks the food money yet again.

Mojisola

luckycat99 wrote: »

I'm not sure if anyone will read this and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by putting this on here but I guess it helps just to write it down and see it in black and white.

If you are happy with the idea of living the rest of your life with someone who lies to you, runs up debts and drinks to excess, carry on with the wedding plans.

It's your choice.

thehappybutterfly

Ive just read the whole thread and my thoughts at the beginning were to give him a chance to really prove himself. As you'd said it was only threats and only in drink but it seems that he spends a heck of a lot of time in drink. You're keeping out his way while he's throwing stuff around the house. And now the debt and the fact that "HE wants to sell the house" to pay off the debt. Dont you get a say?

Its very likely he's worried about the debt and the upcoming wedding but rather than speak to you, he is looking for help in the bottom of a glass. Personally I would call time on the relationship as it doesn't look like he's going to change any time soon.

pinkshoes

Just because you've been together so long, doesn't make it right to stay together.

At the very least I'd be wanting some time apart.

He has been dishonest with you. He has proven that he can't be trusted despite being given more than enough chances.

if he really cared about you, he would have put a future with you above going out.

if he can't even do dry January, then that's saying something...

paulineb_2

He did do dry jan by the sounds of things, just that he's still drinking to excess.

I think it has to be a choice. You, or booze. He sounds like he can't drink responsibly.

paulineb_2

You've given him a chance. How many more you give him is up to you, but he sounds like he has no desire to change.

The last thing you should be thinking of doing is marrying him.

Getting on well won't make up for the lows. He's had an opportunity to turn things round, he's not done it.