What would you do?

blueneleh

I agree with the above posts - you have to get out.

It's hard. I was in an abusive marriage previously which involved lots of debts and promises of change (which never happened) and to make that step away is scary. It's fear of the unknown and is difficult BUT things won't get better.
You've given him lots of chances already and he has not made any efforts to change.

What helped me to make that move was to read about controlling relationships on the internet. I began to identify with things being written and seeing it in black and white made me accept that I was in an abusive relationship. Once I'd realised that there was no going back.

I'm now with a fantastic man who treats me with the love and respect we all deserve and I've never looked back.

DO IT NOW!

hazyjo

£70k?! That's a 25 year mortgage for a lot of people!


I have always said gambling is worse than drugs, alcohol... so very hard to beat. Doesn't sound like he's trying.


Why not search for and read a few posts on here about people living with significant others who are gamblers.


Please - try to value yourself a little (LOT!) higher.


If you have a joint account (or joint anything), I would be thinking very seriously about getting this separated as quickly as possible.


I promise you, it will only get worse. Even with help, it's a very tough thing to overcome, and won't just affect him in the future. It's an evil addiction. We may have problems with my BF's son who seems to be gambling. I don't think we know the half of it.


Yes it is an illness - but you have to accept some illnesses can be incurable - and you're not a doctor. Either he seeks professional help and has zero access to money/accounts, or you really ought to walk. Not what you want to hear, but I too would rather say it like it is.


Jx

Mojisola

hazyjo wrote: »

Yes it is an illness - but you have to accept some illnesses can be incurable - and you're not a doctor.

And that, by enabling him to continue rather than facing up to his actions, you're preventing him from getting better.

Either he seeks professional help and has zero access to money/accounts, or you really ought to walk. Not what you want to hear, but I too would rather say it like it is.

Got to agree with this. If you have the need to help other people, there's a lot of charities desperate for volunteers.

purpleshoes_2

luckycat99 wrote: »

Overdue update:

So he has managed to cut down on the drinking. It seems the money wasn't spent on drink but gambling. He has gambled £70k in the last year. I found out three weeks ago. Gambling has now stopped and he has self-excluded from the websites he was using.

From the reading I've been doing, it's an illness (compulsive gambling) but I'm running low on sympathy unsurprisingly. I have no idea if the previous behaviour could be related to the gambling.

There is NO way if hes spent 70k on gambling in the last year that hes stopped doing it. He has a major issue.

Stay with him and your life isn't going to be happy.

Lizling

I never normally post in this part of the forums but this reminds me so much of a friend of mine I'm going to this time.


There are 2 things to understand about addicts.
The first is that they stay addicts. If you're very lucky, an addict might be able to keep their behaviour in check for a long while. Very occasionally they might even find a genuine coping mechanism. More likely though, there'll be relapses and their problems will just find another outlet. From gambling to drinking, to maybe some more gambling, some more drinking, drugs, self-harming, violence..it's impossible to say. And there'll be lies along the way too, and no end of manipulation, and never, ever any trust because you cannot trust an addict no matter how much you love them. They will put their addiction before anything else. That's what addiction is.

I have a friend whose addiction was cutting herself. Then she became anorexic, then when that appeared under control, she moved to alcoholism, then back to cutting herself, shoplifting, prescription drugs, cocaine... If it's not one thing it's another, because she can't fix the underlying reason for being self destructive. This is after all the support, counselling, rehab stays, AA meetings and CBT a person could hope for. Addiction isn't fixed with a web blocker and a dry January. Not ever.


The second thing to understand is that you and your parents are enabling him. By shielding him from the consequences of his actions, by staying with him after he broke his promises and by bailing him out, you are stopping him from being forced to face up to how destructive he's being. Without that, why would he even want to get better? Much easier just to carry right on. Please, please read up on addiction and enablers, if you haven't already. Maybe codependency too, just in case.

eskimo26

luckycat99 wrote: »

When he is very drunk he sometimes comes home and starts an argument with me out of the blue. He said the words and showed no signs of doing it - he could barely stand up. I was angry in the moment and (me being very feisty) I dared him to do it - he didn't. I then made him sleep on the sofa and once I had calmed down I felt very scared. He is a big guy and if he did choose to do it I'd have no hope. He is under a lot of stress, as am I. I don't think he meant it and he is incredibly sorry and is prepared to do whatever it takes to make it right. However if he got that drunk again - I don't know what he might do, although I would never have predicted that he would threaten me.

Just read your update its the same thing really he will carry on with his addiction as long as you let him even if he has to hide it from you.

I'm a guy but just wanted to say this is how it starts. He clearly can't handle his drink, it's not his fault per se some people's bodies react this way but was is definitely his fault is making a conscious decision to drink yourself to that point knowing full well how your body handles it.

It's completely unacceptable and these things tend to get worse if not addressed because he can't physically stop the way his body reacts and he probably won't se it as a problem unless it is made very very clear to him that it IS a problem and won't be tolerated period.

pickledonionspaceraider

Lucky cat, I think you need to as yourself WHY you stay with this man.

Your posts are all about him. Let's make this about you.

If you stay with this bloke, things are NOT going to get any better and you will never have anything - I'm not just talking materially either, mentally this life style will wear you down over time - emotionally/mentally .

You have given him more than enough chances and time to sort himself out. You owe him nothing at all

This is not love. It is a destructive co dependant relationship - that in the future, you are going to regret wasting time on. This relationship is going to end, either today or in ten years, but it WILL end. Do not waste precious time you will never ever get back.

A lot of women who are involved with men like this - often ask the question ''why does he treat me like this?'' and I answer ''because you let him''.

luckycat99

Thank you for all your messages. It has really helped me to get perspective.

I have told him it's over. We are living together still as I have nowhere else to go and can't afford to leave as he owes me a lot of money. Things seem amicable(ish) at the moment.

I am trying to focus on practical things at the moment rather than dealing with emotions. I know he sounds like a sh*t to all of you but I do really love him and he loves me - despite how he's acted (whether he respects me is another thing). Even if he could change - I don't think it will make any difference to me now as too much water has gone under the bridge - the damage is too widespread.

So practical steps: I have applied to council housing register (I have no expectations about this), I will get legal advice re the house as it's in his name but I've been contributing to the mortgage for the last 7 years, I am getting us financially disassociated with credit rating people, cancel the wedding, I will speak to Occupational Health people at work as they offer free confidential housing advice, and I have contacted friends and I'm arranging to go out with them - for my own sanity and so I've got people around me for support and to remind me why I'm leaving him.

I have looked at my SOA (years of being on MSE;)) and cannot afford to stay in the area. But then if I move further out of the city I can afford rent but I won't be able to afford the petrol to get to work. And this is with all finances/bills cut to the quick.

I can't think of what else I need to do at the moment - staying sane and finding somewhere to live are my priorities. Hopefully he won't kick me out.

Just need to stay strong - at least until I can leave.

TBeckett100

Well done luckycat, you have tread the path less travelled but frequently considered

Now you need to resist the temptation to get back together, first thing is cancel the wedding and make the split formal to everyone.

The fact you love each other doesn't make a man more or less of a 5hit. He is what he is and you now need to become independent.

Good luck

TBeckett100

Have a back up sofa. I imagine this may set him into a spiral of drink and he may come home in a rage if he thinks you have been out. Have somewhere you can go