What would you do?

luckycat99

I guess what I mean to say is that the blinkers are off now and I know this relationship can't continue - despite any feelings between us. So I'm just trying to stay strong - comments about love not being there is not what will help me stay strong right now.

RAS

luckycat99 wrote: »

I have no money in hand. I live paycheck to paycheck. Savings went on wedding - which I won't get back.

Do double check this, just in case you ca get something back, however little.

Have you considered becoming a property guardian as a way of getting back on you feet? http://www.independent.co.uk/property/house-and-home/property/dream-homes-for-guardian-angels-8571886.html

Or a lodger (the big advantage being you can usually leave at relatively short notice).

NewShadow

luckycat99 wrote: »

Ladies, what would you do if your OH came home drunk and threatened to hit you?

We are engaged and been together for about 7 years. He did the above just before Xmas and I'm wondering whether I'm over-reacting and wondering how other people would respond to this kind of situation.

Thanks

I would have left the house/ locked myself in a room for the night, then told him that if he ever came home that drunk again (regardless of if he actually hit me or not) he would be leaving and not coming back. but then again, my fathers been an alcoholic for as long as i can remember so i have little tolerance for drunks.

Pollycat

NewShadow wrote: »

I would have left the house/ locked myself in a room for the night, then told him that if he ever came home that drunk again (regardless of if he actually hit me or not) he would be leaving and not coming back. but then again, my fathers been an alcoholic for as long as i can remember so i have little tolerance for drunks.

Just to point out that the OP posted that back in Jan this year and has been through the wringer since then with this guy.

luckycat99

RAS wrote: »

Have you considered becoming a property guardian as a way of getting back on you feet? http://www.independent.co.uk/property/house-and-home/property/dream-homes-for-guardian-angels-8571886.html

Or a lodger (the big advantage being you can usually leave at relatively short notice).

Hi,

yes I looked into this but I have a cat so they won't consider me. And leaving the cat behind is non-negotiable, he's my furry rock at the moment!

I have considered a house share but I think I need my own space. I'm working so hard to keep it together at the moment that I need a place where I can come home to and fall apart and cry etc freely if I need to. A house share wouldn't enable me to do that.

At the moment this forum and searching online for flats (even if I can't afford them) is helping to keep me sane. My job is a massive help as I love my job and it totally takes my mind off things. I'm saving the falling apart bit for when I move out. If I fall apart before then I won't be able to stay strong enough to leave.

blueneleh

Just wanted to say well done on your decision and it sounds like you're determined which is great.
Keep going and remember why you're doing this

purpleshoes_2

luckycat99 wrote: »

I hope I can meet someone too - that's what's keeping me going, the thought that there might be someone better out there for me.

He has said tonight that he had been planning a surprise party for me to celebrate a big recent personal acheivement. I softened briefly but then remembered that I should remain sceptical.

I have no money in hand. I live paycheck to paycheck. Savings went on wedding - which I won't get back.

Ignore the surprise party, its just flannel.

I grew up in a home, all be it briefly where a stepdad was a drinker, liar and compulsive gambler and also battered my mum with regularity. We were talking about it the other day and she said to me, she couldnt believe a single word he said. In those days it was harder to get out or in her case get him out of her home but she did eventually

Ive dated a couple of people who were gamblers, not to the extent your ex partner was, but I know all about nights out being cancelled as they didnt have a bean and borrowing from me when I had nothing as they had blown their wages in a day

You may love this man but as I said before stay with him and your life will be misery. He needs help and he may get it yet but your relationship may be too damaged for you to stay together. I bet it is.

You cant fix him, he needs to put the work in. I cant say anything else but get away and stay away, this is not positive, not at all.

his_missus

Just read through the thread and wanted to say well done for finding the courage to end the relationship. Too many people just stay with someone simply because it's an easier/cheaper option than leaving.


You say you don't want to house share as you need your space. Could you see it as a temporary thing, maybe just for 6 months, to get you out of the house you're sharing with your now ex? You could always spend your time mostly in your bedroom, or maybe share with a shift worker, and it may give you a chance to start saving a bit of money to eventually find your own place.


Keep strong and good luck!

luckycat99

So, I've cancelled the wedding. He seemed shocked as I think he thought he could fix this and change my mind. I reiterated that he can't fix this as it's not just about the money - it's about lies, betrayal and disrespect. He's very upset about it. So am I.

He has told his parents and his best friend. His parents are apparently (and understandably) angry, disappointed and upset.

He said I can stay here until he can raise the money he owes me. I think he's going to take on extra work and get a lodger. To be honest, I can't afford to move out at the moment so if I can stay here a bit longer that will help me save some money and not rush into finding somewhere. We'll see how it goes though. I realise it's easier said than done and it may not stay amicable. He said he just wants to do the right thing by me and his parents. He seems genuine enough - he has no reason to lie to me now as he knows it's over.

A friend is going away for a month next month and has said I can stay in her flat - just so I can get some space. That will help I think in terms of having space but also just so we can both mentally accept it's over. I have brief wobbles and wonder if we could have made it work but then reality and the anger and upset kick in and I realise it can't work. I feel a bit all over the place - I'm having angry days and sad days. Spending a lot of time in my room.

I've been looking at other boards on here for advice/inspiration. I need to drive down my debt so I can have better options when moving out rather than living out in the sticks in a crappy flat. I know a crappy flat it better than nothing but when I leave I want to feel like I've moved on rather than taken a step backwards from a lovely home into a rubbish bedsit.

I usually love Xmas but really don't feel like celebrating this year - not much to celebrate. Another Xmas ruined by him...

I'm collecting some boxes off Freecycle later so I can start packing some stuff up. I need to feel like I'm taking small steps towards leaving.

I'll keep updating here - even if no-one reads it I guess I need a record of my progress so I can read it on my sad days when things feel hopeless.

Thanks for listening.

blueneleh

Well done you.
It sounds like you're making real progress and sticking by your decision which is great.
You will have up and down days and that's completely natural. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Yes, Christmas may not be the best this year but surround yourself with people who love you and think of the future Christmas' which will be better than ever.
Keep updating us, we're here to support you and it's great you're looking at other areas of the site too.
Keep going