What would you do?

geminilady

£70k is a hell of a lot of money!!A re you certain he has stopped?is he getting help for his addiction? excluding from a few websites is NOT enough,there is a free block called K9 download it and put your own password on so he cannot gamble online at all,no matter how much he says he has stopped he will weaken,why did he not stop at £1000,£10000?.

TBeckett100

Luckycat,

I'm going to be frank with you. I'm not going to sugarcoat what I am about to say.

1) it has been a year since this all began and what have you learnt?

You have it seems wasted 12 months with a man who has gambled away your financial security. To do this to you is one thing (spending the wedding fund) but to repay his parent's kindness with a fragrant disregard for their help is another.

You have spent 12 months with a man who has effectively kept something from you that is very serious. You are no angel either but I suspect you are open about it

12 months later, he is still drinking. He will not stop gambling. Anybody who gambles 70k in a year will not stop because you say so. You see one addiction feeds another, if he can't drink and can't gamble it will either escalate into self destruction or he will find a new habit

You were going to marry this man and you decided quite rightly to postpone it. Having counselling I suspect is your way to waive a magic wand to fix this but the reality is, this relationship can't be fixed until he has fixed himself

In my opinion a non marital relationship that has bordered on domestic violence and ended up with secrets and counselling is not a path to happy marriage. By making vows to this man, in his mind you will be progressing towards more commitment which will validate his past errors. It's a case of "she knows how bad I am and accepts it"

A lot of people here have given you the advice to exit this relationship. It is very easy for us to give direction when we can't do this for ourselves. However what I have read here concludes that you are a nice woman who is seeking the strength to make a decision

There was also a hint in one of your posts about your insecurity of the relationship causing him to worry about his future. This im afraid is emotional blackmail. Ending the relationship will not result in death.

As humans, it is sometimes easier to accept what we have and muddle on rather than face the tough choices that lay ahead and the uncertainty that offers. However, one thing is for sure, there will be men out there who will have a more positive influence on you as an individual.

A relationship is not about equality. At most points, one half is pulling the other one up and the other one pulls the other up. However this "pulling each other up to both move forward" is not about the situation you are in, but it is about two committed people wanting each other to be better, to have a better life, striving for nice holidays, bigger home, best for the kids, career development etc etc

Quite frankly, you are doing the pulling. At no stage in your posts has this man attempted to move you forward, I.e paying for the wedding, respecting the alcohol or saving for your future.

I don't know how old you are but I'm afraid you are about to embark on another year of uncertainty. You are you, you deserve to be you and whoever you allow in emotionally needs to respect and nurture you.

Finally, the old adage about "no relationship is perfect" is absolutely true. However you should never accept this as a basis in which to continue with your relationship. An imperfect relationship as you will see from today's post ranges from a woman who has rejected an expensive handbag in selfishness (she thinks) to a woman who has discovered her brother in law is cheating on her very ill sister. The scale of imperfection is wide but the line of acceptability is narrow.

In summary, a man who prefers to find emotional answers in the bottom of the pint glass rather than spending the money and time with someone so important to him is the only guaranteed past performance to future return.

poppycracker

I lived with a escalating alcoholic for 5 years. He used to threaten me, even did hit me once. I didn't leave because I was scared of being on my own.

He developed Ischemic Liver disease, pancreatitis and ultimately septicaemia. I watched him waste away and die over 6 months of hell. He *never* admitted he was alcohol dependent and *never* apologised to me for his behaviour to me when he was drunk.

If I had known what I do now, I would have walked out with only my dog and the clothes on my back the first time he threatened to hit me, just to spare myself those months of agony.

Get support, get financially secure, and get out. He wont change, they never do.

TrickyWicky

Luckycat .. I think you're absolutely crazy. No seriously don't laugh or think I'm being funny, I really think you're stupid.

Why the hell are you still with this bloke and posting updates about your so called progress? - It just seems to get worse every time. From threatening to hit you, having to make promises (then breaking them) taking money from folks to sort out his finances, wasting that away and then putting your wedding and home at risk.. and now he's revealed he is £70k (SEVENTY THOUSAND POUNDS) in debt due to gambling?

This is a man who will not change. He is clearly hanging onto that "just one big win" idealism and lets face it.. he's not going to win £70k on a betting website. He knows this and has turned to drink to try and help him forget a situation he can't handle.

You... well what can I say? He has addiction problems and is such a prat that he can't stop himself. You on the other hand are a mug. He has shown very clear signs that he will not change, does not respect you and really doesn't give a damn about marrying you and having a future with you and you've hung about like a spare part!

GET OUT. Pack your bags and leave.

There are blokes out there who are not into this ****. Despite half the board here accusing me of it, I don't drink, take drugs or even smoke and I've been sent to hell by my missus - if anyone was going to get wasted every day you'd expect me to do it right? but I don't. I have no desire to get wasted no matter how hard my life gets.

Your bloke simply doesn't give a damn about you. He probably says he does but thats only because he doesn't want you to walk out and then realise just how screwed up his life really is.

Get out NOW. There IS somebody much better out there for you - you do not have to put up with this trashy treatment.

valk_scot

Cancel the wedding completely. Move out. Stop seeing him. Yes it will be tough and some days you'll only remember the good bits. But this is about the rest of your life. Do you really want to spend it with a compulsive gambler, lack of financial security, the worry of huge hidden debts? Not to mention the drinking and arguing and almost certainly more threats of violence. Is this really the way you want to spend your life and possibly bring children into?


And it will get worse. Women have this tendency to think that love, help and understanding is enough to help any man change but the reality is that most won't change, they'll get worse and drag you along too. You're very lucky that you've had your eyes opened BEFORE you married and had kids and your lives got too tightly intertwined. Don't waste another year of your life hoping that things will magically resolve themselves. They won't, the trust is gone on all fronts apart from anything else. Cut your losses and get on with your life.

System

He seems like a great catch (not).

Pollycat

luckycat99 wrote: »

Overdue update:

So he has managed to cut down on the drinking. It seems the money wasn't spent on drink but gambling. He has gambled £70k in the last year. I found out three weeks ago. Gambling has now stopped and he has self-excluded from the websites he was using.

From the reading I've been doing, it's an illness (compulsive gambling) but I'm running low on sympathy unsurprisingly. I have no idea if the previous behaviour could be related to the gambling.

I'm sure all addicts wish it were that simple.

I would treat this 'I've stopped gambling' with a very large pinch of salt until a lot longer than 3 weeks has passed.

I'd advise you to sit down and read your thread from start to finish and ask yourself if this is really the life you want for yourself.

Vicky123

I thinkthe OP is trying to find reasons to stay, what better than he can't help it, he's ill. It may well be an illness but one that will need professional help, excuses will ensure the problem continues.
Sadly some people have to lose everything before they have a really good hard look at themselves.

Caroline_a

Maybe you need some space, OP. So if he is really serious about the gambling and drinking then allow him the time to show you. Tell him that if in, say, 6 months, he has managed to save £x (a reasonable amount, based on what he earns and spends without the booze and betting), then you will reconsider the wedding, etc.

Personally I think he is deluding you - being on your own after being in a long-term relationship can be a very scary thing. However, it's not half as scary as looking back over a life of repossessed houses, empty bank accounts, black eyes and unhappiness when you are in your 60s. Because that is your future if he doesn't change.

Seabee42

My mum dated such a man when I was about 11. He was lovely when sober. Sadly he was not always sober. He did hit her and eventually I had the police. The thought that you cannot find someone better is mind boggling and I know it requires real strength to walk away.

He clearly has an addictive personality with problems with gambling and booze and I understand your nurturing instinct is to help him through and he does need help but so do you. Your life can be productive and wonderful and does not have to be sorting out his.

Best of luck.