What would you do?

paulineb_2

luckycat99 wrote: »

He has never threatened me before. I left him the next day and spent a couple of weeks sleeping on friends and family's sofas over Xmas. During this time we met up and talked a lot about what happened. I agreed to come back as I love him. I've made it clear that if it happens again, it's over.

Youve come back but you still arent clear whether you want to be with him long term? I dont think thats fair either.

You either do or you dont and if you need help getting to the point where you leave then take it, but to go back gives the impression that youve forgiven him, when it seems you actually havent.

Mixed messages being given out. Youve postponed the wedding and you arent sure if you want a future with him, but you moved back in.

I think you need to make a decision and soon, the longer you leave it, the harder the ending will be if you do end it.

swingaloo

Having spent over 20 years married to a man who was lovely sober but aggressive, rude and very nasty when drunk (only to me, not to anyone else) I would say that if he cant keep off the drink for always, not just January, than get rid.

My ex would be completely normal waking home but once inside would start an argument about anything.

If he gets aggressive when drunk then he always will and you will always have the worry of what state he is going to arrive home in.

Mine would apologise profusely the next day and beg me to forgive him but he was a totally different person without alcohol.

Give him an ultimatum now, drink or you.

Alchemilla

For me its how you would feel if you had kids and he was behaving like this?

globetraveller

You have been with him for a long time and you say he has never been violent towards you. Given this I think you could give him the benefit of the doubt this time. Coming home very drunk and starting arguments sometimes- let's face it, no-one has a perfect relationship, infact no-one is perfect. Are the arguments silly or bad? To demand he goes tea total is probably over the top given what you have said. However, he needs to address the drink issue. He doesn't ever have to come really drunk- not if he is argumentative because of it. He needs to think about a limit to what he drinks on a night out. You need to sit down and tell how he behaves with too much drink in him.
I do think perhaps you are not giving all the information here that would help us to advise. I have given my thoughts based on what you have said.
And by the way, it is easy for folks to say that they would never put up with this and they would walk out- but its one thing saying and another actually doing. He hasn't hit you. No-one is perfect.

Errata

He gets drunk and treats you like trash? How does that make you feel about yourself? Happy that he keeps it in the family so nobody else knows what he's like, or trapped in his toxic world?

luckycat99

theoretica wrote: »

Does he know this?

Yes he does.

luckycat99

paulineb wrote: »

Youve come back but you still arent clear whether you want to be with him long term? I dont think thats fair either.

You either do or you dont and if you need help getting to the point where you leave then take it, but to go back gives the impression that youve forgiven him, when it seems you actually havent.

Mixed messages being given out. Youve postponed the wedding and you arent sure if you want a future with him, but you moved back in.

I think you need to make a decision and soon, the longer you leave it, the harder the ending will be if you do end it.

I did tell him that I wasn't sure if we could fix this and said that I would not come back until I knew for sure. He said that I won't find out if it's fixable if I don't come back for him to show me. He knows that it's dependent on counselling and his ability to reduce drink and not do this again in the future. So I agreed to come back, I'm in the spare room and we're tentatively trying to rebuild our relationship and both make changes. Like someone else on here said though, I am concerned about the impact on kids if this happened again and I don't want to be living in fear of this happening again. But I don't want to walk out on all the good parts of the relationship either.

luckycat99

Errata wrote: »

He gets drunk and treats you like trash? How does that make you feel about yourself? Happy that he keeps it in the family so nobody else knows what he's like, or trapped in his toxic world?

It doesn't make me feel great. And family now know what has happened. It wasn't intentional though. Although actually other people knowing now means that he's more accountable and is more likely to take it seriously.

Errata

It doesn't make me feel great

Of course it doesn't. He's treating you with contempt and unfortunately one of the four basic indicators that a relationship will fail is contempt.

paulineb_2

Errata wrote: »

Of course it doesn't. He's treating you with contempt and unfortunately one of the four basic indicators that a relationship will fail is contempt.

How do any of us know hes treating her with contempt. There has been one incident that hes apologised for. He threatened her, that should not have happened, but trying to put a relationship back together doesnt indicate to me that hes treating her with contempt.

On the surface of it, it looks like he has an alcohol issue that needs addressed. Many people do things drunk they would never do sober and alcohol is absolutely no excuse.

But if he gets dry and stays dry things might improve.

Also, you have every right to tell your family what happened, but that doesnt mean that someone who could be violent wont ever threaten it again.

People should not need to watch themselves all the time and have other people knowing about their behaviour to keep them on the straight and narrow, this has to come from him.