Is this or should this be my problem?

Tenyearstogo

securityguy wrote: »

So stop giving her an instant response.

He doesn't want to talk to her. Why are you trying to alter that?

Exactly. He doesn't need to talk to her because you will.

You're enabling the situation.

Pollycat

aileth wrote: »

After the event, a few days after, I reminded him by saying that he needs to make sure to talk to her more and he suddenly went really quiet and said 'I know' under his breath. He hasn't though and has yet to do anything.

This sounds a bit like my OH.
He's very stubborn and even though he may know that he should do a certain thing (he's pretty lax about contact with his Mum too), I know that going on about it will only make him dig his heels in and have the opposite effect.

aileth wrote: »

What do you think? Should I really be the middle party? Should I really be making all the effort to make him talk to her more? As it is, I feel really sorry for her as he is a little sod for that, and as usual I am arranging everything for him, which is fine if it's dinner parties etc, but surely he should be grown up enough to talk to her without prompting and without me nagging, and surely it shouldn't be my job?

Rant over, opinions?

I don't think you should be the middle party.
I think your MIL'S friends were a bit unfair asking you to 'change' your OH.

Do you have regular contact with his Mum?
Do you ring her for a chat etc?
If so, I'd continue to do that and leave him to sort himself out as it sounds like he knows he should do more.
To nag may just have a detrimental affect on your own relationship.

Hermoine

My brother was very like this, with my mum - and she only really got contact with him by chasing him quite determinedly by phone.. Interestingly, he is now repeating he same pattern of behaviour with me and my sister - never initiating contact and not often responding to text, email, Facebook etc etc. We all get on well when we meet, and he seems to like us, but just doesn't want to make the effort to keep the contact going. Because of this he's also lost touch with many other relatives, which is a shame. In his case I think it's partly to do with depression, and partly with being a lazy so and so... But just to give you hope, when the chips were down, when we had both parents ill and needing support, he was there, responding to every phone call...

Prothet_of_Doom

Bloke are mostly the same. Thanks for reminding me to phone my parents. I'll do it after work.

aileth

Pollycat wrote: »

This sounds a bit like my OH.
He's very stubborn and even though he may know that he should do a certain thing (he's pretty lax about contact with his Mum too), I know that going on about it will only make him dig his heels in and have the opposite effect.


I don't think you should be the middle party.
I think your MIL'S friends were a bit unfair asking you to 'change' your OH.

Do you have regular contact with his Mum?
Do you ring her for a chat etc?
If so, I'd continue to do that and leave him to sort himself out as it sounds like he knows he should do more.
To nag may just have a detrimental affect on your own relationship.

Not so much ringing for a chat, but we tend to have text conversations fairly often. I haven't really nagged him thus far, just the odd 'hint' of, "Have you spoken to your mum recently?" Etcetera, which is normally prompted when she texts me to ask about him.

Any ideas how to respond if I get interrogated by the friends again? Not sure if they will, but also if I do as I am going to do and leave him to his own devices, how should I respond to them if they ask, "Well, we told you to do something and it's just as bad...", or words to that effect? I get on with her friends really well and don't want to be particularly brusque or off-hand with them.

I don't think they meant any ill-will with bringing it up with me, but more that they felt the most comfortable, and perhaps MIL had been saying her woes to them and they decided to tell me after a few glasses of wine because she didn't want to say anything. They are very much 'full-on' people and would make a sailor blush, so certainly not the sort to tip-toe around issues as MIL might do.

securityguy

aileth wrote: »

Not so much ringing for a chat, but we tend to have text conversations fairly often

About what? If she's concerned that he knows she's still alive, you're doing the job for him.

Any ideas how to respond if I get interrogated by the friends again?

"You'll have to speak to him".

You've got too involved and too invested in this. What do you think he should talk to his mother _about_?

aileth

securityguy wrote: »

About what? If she's concerned that he knows she's still alive, you're doing the job for him.



"You'll have to speak to him".

You've got too involved and too invested in this. What do you think he should talk to his mother _about_?

Like I said in a previous posts, all she wants is a text a week to ask if she's okay.

silvercar

poet123 wrote: »

I think we are all too swift to accord reasons which come from our own experiences when the reality could be as simple as he is someone who simply can't be bothered making the time for anything that he doesn't feel like doing, or simply puts it off and puts it off.

I think the OP would know if there was some deep reason.

I agree with this. Men in particular can be lax at keeping in touch. If there is no reason for the lack of contact then there is no reason to upset Mum so much.

I phone my MIL just to chat sometimes, OH is less likely to phone her, so I often phone when he is at home not doing much and pass the phone across. Once communication is well established, to the extent that she feels comfortable phoning just to chat rather than with a purpose for the call, hopefully MIL will feel comfortable enough to phone you and him just to chat.

Rottensocks

aileth wrote: »

.....perhaps MIL had been saying her woes to them and they decided to tell me after a few glasses of wine.....

Does your OH know that your mother has been telling her woes about him to her friends?

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

Is that not his decision to make though?

Sometimes you want to help your partner not to make a wrong decision. We all need a bit of help sometimes.

To the OP, would it help if you were to say to him something like 'how would it be if you rang your mum every Wednesday' or something like that, and he then has a fixed time in his diary to do so?