Is this or should this be my problem?

Watto30

aileth wrote: »

I think he's just lazy really, and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest how often or not they talked, but I know it's actually making her cry, which stings. Her friends said all she wants is a text a week asking how she is.

Sorry if this comes across as blunt but personally I think her friends had no right to address with this you, he is an adult and you are not his keeper and if he wants to speak to his mother or text then he has hands that work to pick up the phone and a mouth to speak with! he cannot be a****d that is the real problem here


He is a grown man, who from your previous posts does not take any responsibility for anything as he knows you will pick up the peices when it all goes pear shaped.


So if he cannot be bothered to answer his mothers texts when he has proved he is actually capable of using a mobile phone to respond to you and his father then its his choice and you should no longer be the middle man essentially protecting him and playing advocate when his mother gets upset with him. If your relationship did not exist and he was single he would have to get on with it and if he chose not to bother responding to his mother then that is between them and for her to realise what her son is truly like

belfastgirl23

I feel exactly your pain

My MIL is a lovely woman, smart, funny, kind. I really like her (lucky I know). In fact a lot of her better qualities are the things I also like about her son! But he fails to see these qualities in her and probably much more sees his own faults in her. Which to me is incredibly sad.

They don't have a good relationship and he often will go months without talking to her. I have tried different tacks but in the end he is the kind of person who digs his heels in so nagging is counterproductive. I therefore save my 'veto' power for events and times where I know she will be really upset or hurt if he fails to get in touch or visit.

My honest opinion is to keep out of it if you can. But encourage and support him to make positive decisions where possible.

Wickedkitten

I would have been been pretty annoyed myself in that kind of situation. If her friends have a problem with the fact that he doesn't phone her, then they should have taken that up with him, not you.

That being said and I'm sure someone has probably addressed this already, communication is a two way street. If she doesn't think they talk enough, then she should try picking up the phone more often and phoning him instead of ringing you up to complain about it.

Mojisola

I think it shows that her friends are very caring that they talked to you about how upset your MIL has been. Expecting you to put it right instead of talking to him directly is probably a generational thing.

Does he realise how much he is upsetting his Mum? Have you told him what her friends said to you?

aileth

Mojisola wrote: »

I think it shows that her friends are very caring that they talked to you about how upset your MIL has been. Expecting you to put it right instead of talking to him directly is probably a generational thing.

Does he realise how much he is upsetting his Mum? Have you told him what her friends said to you?

Yes, in the car on the way home. He was very, very quiet.

Justicia

Aileth,

I've read your previous threads that you have started over time and so far have kept myself from the keyboard and not replied.

This time I will respond honestly.

Get rid of him NOW (an immediate new year resolution) and find yourself a partner that respects you and appreciates you. This guy is an immature user and needs to go back home to mummy. Reclaim your sanity and self-respect.

There; this time I wrote it.

(Apologies for being direct, but after reading these threads, 'he' is irritating me...)

meritaten

this has struck a chord with me. Not me and OH but my brothers relationship with our mother. She keeps telling everyone that he doesn't phone, doesn't come to see her very often, etc. Similar to your MIL with her friends? The thing is - he phones her every Wednesday at 7.00pm. He visits at least once a month and more often if she happens to mention she needs something done (DIY etc). When they do talk - she makes him feel guilty, and then she isn't interested in HIM and his wife - she brags about our sister and her kids! He really only phones and visits out of duty now - and I can understand why as she is the same with me - only I visit every Sunday and phone her at odd times during the week. But, I too have been getting hints that I don't 'do' enough. I offer to help but she dismisses it and says 'Oh your sister will do that'! Even when sis is on holiday she wont even let me take her shopping, preferring to wait til sis gets back. Is something like that going on here?
BTW - its NOT up to her friends to have a word with YOU about this! I think that's crossing a line, especially if your relationship is so good........makes me wonder just how MIL is presenting the relationship?

lostinrates

meritaten wrote: »

this has struck a chord with me. Not me and OH but my brothers relationship with our mother. She keeps telling everyone that he doesn't phone, doesn't come to see her very often, etc. Similar to your MIL with her friends? The thing is - he phones her every Wednesday at 7.00pm. He visits at least once a month and more often if she happens to mention she needs something done (DIY etc). When they do talk - she makes him feel guilty, and then she isn't interested in HIM and his wife - she brags about our sister and her kids! He really only phones and visits out of duty now - and I can understand why as she is the same with me - only I visit every Sunday and phone her at odd times during the week. But, I too have been getting hints that I don't 'do' enough. I offer to help but she dismisses it and says 'Oh your sister will do that'! Even when sis is on holiday she wont even let me take her shopping, preferring to wait til sis gets back. Is something like that going on here?
BTW - its NOT up to her friends to have a word with YOU about this! I think that's crossing a line, especially if your relationship is so good........makes me wonder just how MIL is presenting the relationship?

Actually, this is a very , very good point.

paulineb_2

meritaten wrote: »

this has struck a chord with me. Not me and OH but my brothers relationship with our mother. She keeps telling everyone that he doesn't phone, doesn't come to see her very often, etc. Similar to your MIL with her friends? The thing is - he phones her every Wednesday at 7.00pm. He visits at least once a month and more often if she happens to mention she needs something done (DIY etc). When they do talk - she makes him feel guilty, and then she isn't interested in HIM and his wife - she brags about our sister and her kids! He really only phones and visits out of duty now - and I can understand why as she is the same with me - only I visit every Sunday and phone her at odd times during the week. But, I too have been getting hints that I don't 'do' enough. I offer to help but she dismisses it and says 'Oh your sister will do that'! Even when sis is on holiday she wont even let me take her shopping, preferring to wait til sis gets back. Is something like that going on here?
BTW - its NOT up to her friends to have a word with YOU about this! I think that's crossing a line, especially if your relationship is so good........makes me wonder just how MIL is presenting the relationship?

Perhaps the MIL is being honest with her friends and says she has a son who doesnt call, visit or respond to her texts.

I agree the OP shouldnt be caught in the middle, but if its clear the OP and her MIL have a good relationship, its probably natural that they would ask her to try and help.

paulineb_2

Also, the OP has said clearly that her husband doesnt contact his mum, its up to her to do it, so it would suggest that the MIL is actually telling her friends the truth about whats happening with the relationship.