Is this or should this be my problem?

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

Hi all, more OH stuff as usual.

We visited MIL just after new years for a little 'do' at her house. Everyone else left and was left with MIL's friends and herself. Wine was flowing and everyone was a bit tiddly, OH was in the corner talking to his MIL. Her friends then proceeded to tell me how upset she has been getting as OH never contacts her (She has to text me to arrange anything) and she has been in tears about how little she hears from him, and they were basically begging me to nag OH to talk to her and see her more. I responded by saying that I do this already, but they basically that it's 'up to me' and that I don't have to 'force him' to contact her, but basically change him so he does it off his own back...

I have a good relationship with MIL and I struggle to see how it is my job to foster more communication between MIL and son. I have commented sometimes to him that we haven't seen her in a while and he responds with 'she's always busy', but I know he hasn't bothered trying to talk to her.

After the event, a few days after, I reminded him by saying that he needs to make sure to talk to her more and he suddenly went really quiet and said 'I know' under his breath. He hasn't though and has yet to do anything.

What do you think? Should I really be the middle party? Should I really be making all the effort to make him talk to her more? As it is, I feel really sorry for her as he is a little sod for that, and as usual I am arranging everything for him, which is fine if it's dinner parties etc, but surely he should be grown up enough to talk to her without prompting and without me nagging, and surely it shouldn't be my job?

Rant over, opinions?

Its nothing to do with her friends, no one should be nagging you to get involved. But its sad that he seems to make the effort to contact his dad and not his mum. My brother is 34 and he sees my mum once a week, texts her, he makes the effort.

Even if it was just a short phone call every week or every couple of weeks, it would be better than nothing.

Id say leave it, say no more about it and if you are happy to, keep in touch with her yourself.

From previous posts youve made on here your husband seems to need a shove to do a lot of things, hes 30 years old yes?
Not a child, either he wants to make the effort with her or he doesnt.

joansgirl

I think that you and your OH's relationship must come first. Yes, you can remind him from time to time but if he choses not to contact his Mother then that is his decision. Some men are like this.


As for what other people say, it's not really their business. Just tell them that they are free to take it up with him. You're doing all you can but don't jeopardise your own relationship to please other people.

wiogs

If he doesn't want to talk to his mother or any other member of his family then that's his prerogative.

If others think he should then tough.

You have mentioned it to him and there you should leave it.

aileth

Quite a clear consensus. I suppose it'd be a bit odd if I got told off with "it's your fault for not forcing my son to talk to me"!!

paulineb_2

I actually do think that it does put you in a difficult position, because she gets on well with you and theres no great reason why he cant seem to contact her or some other people in his family, sounds like he cant be bothered.

Its a bit selfish on his part I think when all he needs to do to is respond to a simple text. If he can respond to a text you send, he can respond to one his mum sends.

Alikay

I've always had to do this with my DH and his family. The prompting often has had to be as obvious as passing him the phone, turning off the TV and saying "you need to phone your mum now".

His relationship with his parents has never been great, and they were not particularly loving and attentive towards him and his sis right from an early age (some of their behaviour was verging on neglectful) but they're not going to be around for ever (both 80) and I don't want him feeling guilty about not having spent enough time with them when they die.

aileth

That's exactly what I think Pauline, and it always makes me sigh as every call and text starts with 'I've tried to contact X but...'

bagginslover

If she phones you, can't you just pass him the phone, or does she only call when you aren't together? Perhaps if thats the case, you hould tell her you're busy, and ask her to call back when he'll be with you?

Person_one

Alikay wrote: »

I've always had to do this with my DH and his family. The prompting often has had to be as obvious as passing him the phone, turning off the TV and saying "you need to phone your mum now".

His relationship with his parents has never been great, and they were not particularly loving and attentive towards him and his sis right from an early age (some of their behaviour was verging on neglectful) but they're not going to be around for ever (both 80) and I don't want him feeling guilty about not having spent enough time with them when they die.

Is that not his decision to make though?

aileth

bagginslover wrote: »

If she phones you, can't you just pass him the phone, or does she only call when you aren't together? Perhaps if thats the case, you hould tell her you're busy, and ask her to call back when he'll be with you?

She normally texts unless its urgent unfortunately, on more than one occasion I've said "your mum had text me this, do you wanna text her back?"