Is this or should this be my problem?

aileth

Hi all, more OH stuff as usual.

We visited MIL just after new years for a little 'do' at her house. Everyone else left and was left with MIL's friends and herself. Wine was flowing and everyone was a bit tiddly, OH was in the corner talking to his MIL. Her friends then proceeded to tell me how upset she has been getting as OH never contacts her (She has to text me to arrange anything) and she has been in tears about how little she hears from him, and they were basically begging me to nag OH to talk to her and see her more. I responded by saying that I do this already, but they basically that it's 'up to me' and that I don't have to 'force him' to contact her, but basically change him so he does it off his own back...

I have a good relationship with MIL and I struggle to see how it is my job to foster more communication between MIL and son. I have commented sometimes to him that we haven't seen her in a while and he responds with 'she's always busy', but I know he hasn't bothered trying to talk to her.

After the event, a few days after, I reminded him by saying that he needs to make sure to talk to her more and he suddenly went really quiet and said 'I know' under his breath. He hasn't though and has yet to do anything.

What do you think? Should I really be the middle party? Should I really be making all the effort to make him talk to her more? As it is, I feel really sorry for her as he is a little sod for that, and as usual I am arranging everything for him, which is fine if it's dinner parties etc, but surely he should be grown up enough to talk to her without prompting and without me nagging, and surely it shouldn't be my job?

Rant over, opinions?

lostinrates

Its a toughie.

On the one hand people will surely say he is an adult and should take responsibility. However, I know I don't behave perfectly and I want my partner to help me in those cases, likewise I try and do the same for him.

He went though a phase of not communicating well with his family after some 'personal issues' and disagreement. I did not have such a great relationship with my in laws but I still made a point of saying to DH 'call your father/sister/brother' every couple of weeks to keep communication flowing because ultimately the man I love is a man who loves and needs his family and I know in the long term these relationships are important to him and them.

I'm plumping for the answer that while you are in a relationship you need to balance between not becoming a parent but being a support to each other. Where that line is moves a little I think, in different relationships but also wishin the same one.

elmer

How would you feel if it was him "nagging " you to contact your Mother, would you be happy that he felt your relationship with her required monitoring by him??

I know I would go bananas if anyone suggested this with my mother, and therefore would respect someone elses right to choose how they contact their mother, and definitely not get involved.

elmer

hazyjo

You're either missing a bit of a family rift, or he doesn't enjoy going/seeing her. Is his dad still around? Could he be hiding grief (if his dad's no longer around)?

I find it's easier to make actual plans rather than say 'we must meet up soon'. Yes, men can be bad at doing stuff like that and (even in this day and age lol) it becomes the wife's role.

Maybe make traditions - go out for dinner on birthdays, anniversaries of whatever, or the last Sunday of every month - anything. Not sure how far away she is...

Jx

BitterAndTwisted

It's his mother, not yours. If he doesn't want to keep in close contact that's his decision.

I'd be reminding and possibly nagging a child but a grown adult? No, I would not.

Does this OH have any positive attributes or qualities at all?

aileth

hazyjo wrote: »

You're either missing a bit of a family rift, or he doesn't enjoy going/seeing her. Is his dad still around? Could he be hiding grief (if his dad's no longer around)?

I find it's easier to make actual plans rather than say 'we must meet up soon'. Yes, men can be bad at doing stuff like that and (even in this day and age lol) it becomes the wife's role.

Maybe make traditions - go out for dinner on birthdays, anniversaries of whatever, or the last Sunday of every month - anything. Not sure how far away she is...

Jx

Dad is still around, they are divorced due to his infidelity. He talks to his dad a lot more but they share very similar interests, whereas I seem to get on with his mum more.

Not sure of a family rift as he talks fondly and is very protective of her so I'm not so sure why he seems, well I don't know if unwilling is the right word, reluctant?

And Bitter, I know. Our personal situation had improved but now unfortunately things outside our own personal relationship seem to be 'butting in'!

Like I say I first thought its not my problem, but I suppose the thought of her in tears over his complacency got to me.

barbarawright

aileth wrote: »

Hi all, more OH stuff as usual.

We visited MIL just after new years for a little 'do' at her house. Everyone else left and was left with MIL's friends and herself. Wine was flowing and everyone was a bit tiddly, OH was in the corner talking to his MIL. Her friends then proceeded to tell me how upset she has been getting as OH never contacts her (She has to text me to arrange anything) and she has been in tears about how little she hears from him, and they were basically begging me to nag OH to talk to her and see her more. I responded by saying that I do this already, but they basically that it's 'up to me' and that I don't have to 'force him' to contact her, but basically change him so he does it off his own back...

I have a good relationship with MIL and I struggle to see how it is my job to foster more communication between MIL and son. I have commented sometimes to him that we haven't seen her in a while and he responds with 'she's always busy', but I know he hasn't bothered trying to talk to her.

After the event, a few days after, I reminded him by saying that he needs to make sure to talk to her more and he suddenly went really quiet and said 'I know' under his breath. He hasn't though and has yet to do anything.

What do you think? Should I really be the middle party? Should I really be making all the effort to make him talk to her more? As it is, I feel really sorry for her as he is a little sod for that, and as usual I am arranging everything for him, which is fine if it's dinner parties etc, but surely he should be grown up enough to talk to her without prompting and without me nagging, and surely it shouldn't be my job?

Rant over, opinions?

Slightly confused. Whose mother are you talking about?

sooty&sweep

Hi
Personally I think alot of blokes aren't good at maintaining regular communication with family.
However does she ring him at all or arrange with him to meet up ?
Jen

bagginslover

When my OH and his mum weren't talking for a while, I'd periodically just ask him how she was, I would ask about other family members too, and he soon realised he had no idea about his mum, yet did about the others, and took it on himself to contact her after a while. This way I wasn't nagging, and he came to the realisation on his own.

aileth

barbarawright wrote: »

Slightly confused. Whose mother are you talking about?

Sorry both references are to his, my family were not present

aileth

sooty&sweep wrote: »

Hi
Personally I think alot of blokes aren't good at maintaining regular communication with family.
However does she ring him at all or arrange with him to meet up ?
Jen

She tries but he never responds so she ends up texting and ringing me (same with his brother apparently), he has no problem responding to texts from me though. His dad also goes through me