Is this or should this be my problem?

Pollycat

aileth wrote: »

Not so much ringing for a chat, but we tend to have text conversations fairly often. I haven't really nagged him thus far, just the odd 'hint' of, "Have you spoken to your mum recently?" Etcetera, which is normally prompted when she texts me to ask about him.

Any ideas how to respond if I get interrogated by the friends again? Not sure if they will, but also if I do as I am going to do and leave him to his own devices, how should I respond to them if they ask, "Well, we told you to do something and it's just as bad...", or words to that effect? I get on with her friends really well and don't want to be particularly brusque or off-hand with them.

I don't think they meant any ill-will with bringing it up with me, but more that they felt the most comfortable, and perhaps MIL had been saying her woes to them and they decided to tell me after a few glasses of wine because she didn't want to say anything. They are very much 'full-on' people and would make a sailor blush, so certainly not the sort to tip-toe around issues as MIL might do.

Aileth
if your MIL's friends 'interrogate' you about what you've done about the situation, I'd just say 'He's an adult, he does what he wants, I can't change him and don't want to change him' (assuming you don't want to )
I'd tell them that if your MIL is unhappy about the lack of contact, then she should discuss it directly with her son.
You don't need to be brusque or off-hand with them, just firm enough to end the discussion for good and leave them in no doubt that you don't feel it's your place to do anything.

I think you run the risk of becoming piggy-in-the-middle between your OH & MIL and your MIL & her friends.

Concentrate on you and your OH.
Good luck.

silvercar

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I'm not sure MIL sees talking to me as significantly different to talking to DH, actually I think she prefers talking to me (and I know DH prefers that too!)

However, would it work if you said "I'm about to phone your mother, will you speak to her when I've arranged x?"

This ^^ 20 times over.

You are a couple, you live together, have joint finances, a joint life. Phoning family should not be a strict segregation of who belongs to who. Most women natter more easily than men on the phone. No harm and a lot to gain, by having an easy relationship with MIL.

patanne

Does your MIL push your OH into doing something he doesn't want to do? If so, that is probably your answer. If he knows that he will give in even if he doesn't want to give in, then he will avoid talking at all & talking will make his depression worse because he will feel bad about having given in. I've been there (they say we all bring our own experience into the answers!!)

KxMx

Sometimes there isn't a clear reason, and we have to accept less contact with those we love than we'd like, because the other person doesn't give what you want
No-one is necessarily in the right or wrong etc.

red_devil

He sounds very selfish to me. Remind him one day she might not be around and then he wont be able to phone hef or see her.

What is wrong with some people. She is his mothr fgs.
Enjoy her company why she is here.:mad:

red_devil

He may be a parent one day too so maybe he should put himself in that posigion. How would he like it if his child wzs aloof and distant.