Is this or should this be my problem?

seven-day-weekend

CRANKY40 wrote: »

p.s. "Don't know" is toddler speak for "I do know but I'm not discussing it with you".

....or I do know but don't care.

securityguy

paulineb wrote: »

Some people are emotional at any age, others arent. It doesnt mean that people need help, you react to things the way your react to them.

But that's not other people's problem (returning to the OP's question). Someone who is in tears because they haven't had a phone call from one of their children that week is outside the bounds of normal behaviour. Feeding that is enabling it, not helping. "Please phone me because otherwise I will be in tears" is needy and controlling. An adult of 51 should be able to behave more sensibly, and if they can't, it's not other people's responsibility to run around pandering to them.

If the OP's mother in law had things worth saying, perhaps the OP's partner might be more inclined to talk to her. But "phone me weekly as otherwise I'll cry?" It's pretty pathetic, isn't it?

Mojisola

securityguy wrote: »

If the OP's mother in law had things worth saying, perhaps the OP's partner might be more inclined to talk to her. But "phone me weekly as otherwise I'll cry?" It's pretty pathetic, isn't it?

But she hasn't said that!

She might not even know that her friends have told the OP about how upset she gets.

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

I'd be tempted to arrange another meet-up at her house and have her friends primed to talk directly to your OH while you distract your MIL.

Personally, I wouldn't.


I'm ok with talking to my DH, or having him talk to me about any issue we feel might need addressing. However, Its addressed at that level first.


If I arranged an intervention I think DH would have right to feel aggrieved and manipulated.

picklekin

She might not have outright SAID it, and might not know that her friends told the OP, however reading between the lines I think there is manipulation going on here, telling her friends who conveniently corner the OP at a party, texting OP and telling her she can't reach her OH, texting OH instead of phoning, not choosing good moments to call/text (as alluded to in a later post). All setting her up to be in the "woe is me" position. She is not taking HER relationship with her son into her own hands, she is asking others to fix it for her..

If SHE is unwilling to phone him at a suitable time then why should he bother in return. A chip off the old block indeed.

lostinrates

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

....or I do know but don't care.

I might be misremembering, but is op's chap also suffering depression?

Maybe its short for....

I'm dealing with me, I'm dealing with us.....my plate is full right now?


Sometimes people's emotional plates are full and they really cannot process more, even what seem to others like quite simple interactions.

It might also be that in his experience small communication leads to more demanding ones from his mother. There are I suppose many possibilities here, we can only guess at the most likely ones....

meritaten

I too was picturing some housebound old lady in her seventies from your Original Post! FGS the woman is 9 years younger than me and has an active social life! is she really so desperate that she phones or texts son at work for a little chat? doesn't sit right with me - I wouldn't dream of phoning my son at work unless it was an emergency. I think when your OH is saying 'don't know' to your enquiring why he doesn't phone mum he means 'I don't want to tell you why, because you feel sorry for her'.
I gather he suffers from depression? perhaps right now he cannot cope with her? 'Nice' though she may be perhaps he feels she is too needy and he cannot spare any of his energy for her too?
It may make me the odd one out on here - but I am really beginning to feel very sorry for your OH.

Savvy_Sue

I'm not sure MIL sees talking to me as significantly different to talking to DH, actually I think she prefers talking to me (and I know DH prefers that too!)

However, would it work if you said "I'm about to phone your mother, will you speak to her when I've arranged x?"

marleyboy

I cannot speak for the OP, except to put it this way...

I HATE my Dad and wont have anything to do with him, I have not spoken to him in over 20 Years. My Mother, Sisters, Uncles and Aunts constantly tell me that blood is thicker than water and old wounds need healing etc.

My family know me well enough not to push, even though this affects my going to family parties where my Dad is likely to be, where he will pour his black heart out to all and sundry in some futile attempt to get them to talk me into forgiving and going to meet him to clear the air.

It sounds selfish of me, but I refuse to be in the same room as him no matter what. My family will try to persuade but know when to shut up about it, as it will more likely lead to an argument and yet more fall outs.

OH does not know much of my history with my Dad and would not dream of interfering in it. Choosing to accept it is between him and me, the most she could ever say on the matter is "its your decision and I wont get involved".

Whatever his reasons for NOT speaking to his Mother, as his partner it should be respected as such, without the need to know why or what happened.

Its best not to get too involved in external family spats, concerning more with your own family as a couple, rather than those of your partners, unless of course they want it or ask for it.

By all means advise, but leave it at that, don't push it.

mumps

meritaten wrote: »

I too was picturing some housebound old lady in her seventies from your Original Post! FGS the woman is 9 years younger than me and has an active social life! is she really so desperate that she phones or texts son at work for a little chat? doesn't sit right with me - I wouldn't dream of phoning my son at work unless it was an emergency. I think when your OH is saying 'don't know' to your enquiring why he doesn't phone mum he means 'I don't want to tell you why, because you feel sorry for her'.
I gather he suffers from depression? perhaps right now he cannot cope with her? 'Nice' though she may be perhaps he feels she is too needy and he cannot spare any of his energy for her too?
It may make me the odd one out on here - but I am really beginning to feel very sorry for your OH.

She could be menopausal, I didn't have any real problems but have a couple of friends who found life really difficult and seemed to cry at the drop of a hat. It passes.