Is this or should this be my problem?

aileth

Rottensocks wrote: »

Does your OH know that your mother has been telling her woes about him to her friends?

No idea, but I'd think he might've assumed it when I told him in the car on the way home that her friends had said X, Y and Z to me! (It's his mother as well BTW)

securityguy

aileth wrote: »

Like I said in a previous posts, all she wants is a text a week to ask if she's okay.

You mean if every Wednesday at 7pm he sent the text "OK?" and then read (but didn't respond to) the reply, that would be the end of the matter? You'll excuse my scepticism. Couldn't your mother in law just text him herself once a week to confirm she isn't dead?

Rottensocks

aileth wrote: »

No idea, but I'd think he might've assumed it when I told him in the car on the way home that her friends had said X, Y and Z to me! (It's his mother as well BTW)

So, what was his response like then? I guess it went one of two ways: A: defensive & touchy that she's spoken to her friends about him, or B: felt guilty and sorry for his old Mum.

Or does he just acknowledge it and do nothing?

(If the latter response, is he generally an acknowledger and do nothinger? I guess if he is normally all get up and go then it points at a specific issue between mother and son. O r maybe he's a lazy communicator all round?

bossymoo

Have you asked him why he doesn't get in touch more? There might be a perfectly valid reason. Just communicate;
"I feel a bit in the middle, love, has something happened that I don't know about?"
"No I just forget sometimes?"
"OK do you want me to remind you or shall I butt out?"

Take his lead - it's his family. My late OH was a bit of a b8gger for forgetting to ring his mum, but text his dad silly jokes all the time. I spoke to her regularly (she's really nice) and just said "why? She misses you, shall I mind my own business or shall I help get things back on track with the two of you?"

It needs to not come between you!

aileth

Rottensocks wrote: »

So, what was his response like then? I guess it went one of two ways: A: defensive & touchy that she's spoken to her friends about him, or B: felt guilty and sorry for his old Mum.

Or does he just acknowledge it and do nothing?

(If the latter response, is he generally an acknowledger and do nothinger? I guess if he is normally all get up and go then it points at a specific issue between mother and son. O r maybe he's a lazy communicator all round?

There wasn't so much of a response really. He just went really quiet, sort of like, "Oh", etcetera.

Bossy, have asked why he doesn't talk to her that much. He has no answer or reason, he just shrugs and says, "Don't know", but then again this is his answer to most things, "Why didn't you go to the Doctor's this morning?" "Don't know" "How come the bath is leaking?" "Don't know" "Where have all the biscuits gone?" "Don't know."

It's definitely not coming between us in the slightest, and I do honestly think it's due to laziness/absent-mindedness rather than any sort of underlying reason.

I honestly had no idea his mum was getting so upset, or that she thought the level of contact was low enough that she cried about it. We probably see her slightly less than my parents, although the difference is they are 60 miles away and she is about 7 or 8. We have been together for just over five years and this is the first time this has sort of reared its head, and I would say we have seen her the same amount that we do at the moment for a good two of those years.

I have to add as well that sometimes she doesn't help the situation, in that she will text saying, "Must see you soon", and I'll respond saying, "Free this week, Thursday and Friday is best", then she'll say, "Get back to you", and a lot of the time I hear nothing. There have also been occasions where we've made plans and she realises she's double-booked with friends, so goes with friends instead, which I must admit has peeved me off a bit. I suppose that's why it's quite surprising how upset she's been getting as sometimes she is ever so unreliable, and I would've thought if she was that desperate to see him, contact would be on the top pedestal.

picklekin

Its really hard for me not to "project" here, but I get sick of my mum "texting" me, as she can't be bothered to call, I'm supposed to text or call back, but why when she doesn't put in much effort to talk to me?

As soon as a person gets past 65 people suddenly seem to start assuming the onus is all on the children to put in all the effort and be the ones to initiate contact, why doesn't the MIL call at a suitable time when he isn't busy? Then he'll either have to reject the call or answer it and have a chat, not much effort required! But she doesn't seem to do that, does she call in the middle of a working day when he's unlikely to be able to take a personal call etc, just so she can play the "woe is me" card to her friends?

Rottensocks

picklekin wrote: »

As soon as a person gets past 65 people suddenly seem to start assuming the onus is all on the children to put in all the effort and be the ones to initiate contact, why doesn't the MIL call at a suitable time when he isn't busy? Then he'll either have to reject the call or answer it and have a chat, not much effort required!

Hah! I think there's a lot of truth in that!

paulineb_2

She may be unreliable in the sense that shes double booked herself with you but that still isnt the same as your partner choosing not to contact her, its a separate issue I think. If you are peeved with her double booking you, thats something you need to raise with her.

I dont think she should have to feel like shes desperate to see him, he could be making an effort and he isnt.

Also, how must you feel when everything you ask is met with a response of I dont know? How good are things being with someone who is that absent minded and lazy about a lot of day to day things? Its good that this issue isnt coming between you, but you seem to be putting up with a partner who is absolutely unmotivated and also cant seem to give you respect you deserve when you ask a question such as, why didnt you go to the doctors? I dont like my GPs much but if I had an appointment (which I suspect you would have made and not him), I wouldnt waste their time by not turning up.

I think all of this is just the tip of the iceberg for your husbands lack of interest/motivation in anything very much and it would drive me round the bend.

aileth

picklekin wrote: »

Its really hard for me not to "project" here, but I get sick of my mum "texting" me, as she can't be bothered to call, I'm supposed to text or call back, but why when she doesn't put in much effort to talk to me?

As soon as a person gets past 65 people suddenly seem to start assuming the onus is all on the children to put in all the effort and be the ones to initiate contact, why doesn't the MIL call at a suitable time when he isn't busy? Then he'll either have to reject the call or answer it and have a chat, not much effort required! But she doesn't seem to do that, does she call in the middle of a working day when he's unlikely to be able to take a personal call etc, just so she can play the "woe is me" card to her friends?

She's only 51! She does attempt to call, but I swear to god he is in dreamworld most of the time. I have actually been sat next to him on the sofa and can feel his phone vibrating in his pocket, and he'll only get it out if I say, "What the hell is that? Is that your phone?" I have no idea how he can't feel it. Do agree her timings can be better though re when she tries to contact!

picklekin

To be honest, (again projecting) I often find the whole texting thing a bit passive aggressive. Don't get me wrong, texts are great for "do you want to go to the cinema tonight?" kinda thing, really useful, but for staying in contact with loved ones, not so much, it often puts all the effort into the receivers hands, they either have to write out a long reply, or give in and call back..

As he seem rubbish with his mobile then I suggest you tell the MIL to call the land line, in the evenings, AFTER dinner etc, when you can answer and then just pass him the phone. SHE needs to take some responsibility in her relationship with him. It might even develop into a pattern where he thinks about doing the same once in a while.

She's only 51 you say, well she's acting like she's a frail 90 year old who can't do things for herself IMO!