Is this or should this be my problem?

olgadapolga

Maybe he just hates conversations with his mother? My OH hates ringing his mother as all she can talk about is how wonderful his sister is. Sadly, MIL sees SIL as a little tin god who can do no wrong in her eyes whereas we know exactly what SIL is like. My OH rings his mother very infrequently and visits less often, purely because he doesn't want to come across his sister when visiting and doesn't want to listen to his mother waxing lyrical about her.

paulineb_2

Justicia wrote: »

Aileth,

I've read your previous threads that you have started over time and so far have kept myself from the keyboard and not replied.

This time I will respond honestly.

Get rid of him NOW (an immediate new year resolution) and find yourself a partner that respects you and appreciates you. This guy is an immature user and needs to go back home to mummy. Reclaim your sanity and self-respect.

There; this time I wrote it.

(Apologies for being direct, but after reading these threads, 'he' is irritating me...)

What Id say is that its clear from previous posts that things havent been quite right at home for a while and youve said things are better between you now.

But he seems to be a hell of a lot of hard work. Some people dont do a lot of texting, sometimes if I text my brother (with various bits of babble about my day), he wont always text me back and I dont always expect him to either. But if I texted him with something that was important and I needed him to be there, hed be there. I probably only text him once or twice a week and more often than not he does reply, but he texts less than for example my mum and I text one another.

Some people are not good with phones, but you have mobiles, landlines, emails, all sorts of ways to communicate. I dont think theres any excuse for someone not even saying hi to a family member that they do get on with from a month to month basis.

It would take two seconds to sort and the fact that he wont do it even though he knows youve been asked to speak to him over it and its causing issues between the pair of you now, really doesnt say very much for him at all.

DigForVictory

aileth wrote: »

I think he's just lazy really, and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest how often or not they talked, but I know it's actually making her cry, which stings. Her friends said all she wants is a text a week asking how she is.

Then her friends can prop her up.

Picking on you is petty - if they think OH isn't playing nice, they can talk to him... Just because you're easy to talk to & are a nice person does not make you his keeper - currently you're his missus & if you plan to stay that way, I'd leave matters be.

His mothers tears sting you? How would a justified accusation of nagging from Himself feel?

dandelionclock30

This speaks quite a lot about him, so what happens whe shes really old and needs more support is he going to bury his head then or refuse? Also if he treats his Mum like this what about if you have any issues like a illness or something do you think he will support you. Or if you have his child, do you think he will be a good parent or will you be doing everything?
It sounds like hes uncaring and selfish and if hes like this with his own Mum then hes not going to be brilliant with others either. I'd think about really thinking if hes for you because he sounds not very nice.
Theres no reason now to be stuck with rubbish men, theres plenty of others available.

meritaten

I am sorry to sound heartless, but, it does sound to me as if MIL is putting on a 'poor me' act for her friends and OP. especially as she knows all she has to do is phone OP who then nags her OH, arranges a visit etc. I may well be wrong - but quite honestly I personally wouldn't gripe to other people, but have a word directly with son and arrange a weekly phone call at least! even if its only for five minutes.

I cannot help feeling there is a reason why your OH isn't keen on contact with her.

paulineb_2

I think he just cant be bothered, if some of the OPs previous threads about her hubby are anything to go by.

The thing is, if there were a reason why he doesnt want to speak to his mum, why not just say it?

Its fine to have a better relationship with one parent than the other, but given that they seem to have barely any contact, I would think that if there had been something that had happened to make the relationship go sour, the OP would know about it.

poet123

I agree with the poster who said it is a generational thing, the friends probably felt more comfortable speaking to you than they did to him. Also, I disagree that your relationship must have been presented to them negatively for them to have done this. In fact I would say it was more likely to be the opposite, she may have told them how well you get along and they thought that being the case you would be concerned.

I don't see them as being in the wrong for mentioning it, they are being caring friends and trying to act in her best interests.

It sounds like apathy on his part to me, I would be inclined to sit him down and say that the chat concerned you and made you think. She won't be here forever, and failing a big unseen elephant in the room that you are unaware of presumably he would be upset if she died and he then thought back to this incident without having done anything. If he still drags his feet you have done all you can and sadly his mum will have to try to come to terms with it.

meritaten

I take your point Pauline - but, equally this guy may have his own reasons for not initiating contact. I am seeing this from a different viewpoint I know - but, on the surface everythings fine with mum and me and mum and bro - until you dig deeper. its NOT fine. and that is mainly down to mums 'attitude' towards us. she doesn't say things directly to us - she gripes to others too! we offer to help which is refused. then she moans we don't do enough - but not to us! she constantly compares us to 'Golden Sis' - and we fall far short! our sisters kids are perfect - my grandkids are definitely chav and bad mannered according to her - and they aren't, they treat her with respect and kindness. but the 'Stepford kids' are better behaved, brighter, kinder, more loving, more fun, more everything!
Hell even Sis's dog is better than Bro's dog! they are the same breed! but Sis's dog is better looking, behaved, bred, yadda yadda yadda. There is only so much you want to hear of this sort of thing - I actually dread the weekly visit and just sit with my lips firmly closed now. So if OPs OH has to go through anything like this - I can understand why he behaves as he does.

Person_one

Do you have any reason to believe there is something like that going on or do you think might be projecting a bit there?

This thread isn't even about whether he should phone his mum (it's up to him) it's about whether Aileen has a duty to nag/coerce/force him to (she doesn't).

paulineb_2

The thing is though, he's not calling he's not seeing her, he's only having occasional contact at family get togethers, he's not having to sit through awkward family meetings.
My mum and I are close, but we have fallen out on occasion but personally, a real fall out with someone I did care for, a few days tops and I'd be trying to sort it.

If there is a real problem with his mum surely he can express it, if he is just lazy all it takes is to send an occasional text and job done.

I do think that if he had a big issue with his mum it would have been shared with the op by now, its not something you'd tend to hide from your partner.

Having said that, he's a big boy, he needs to sort his own stuff out but I do agree with previous comments that if it's a big case of can't be bothered ness, not really a good sign.