Family fallout over savings

HPoirot

NotAnotherSock wrote: »

I (obviously) care about my boyfriend and see how this distresses him so that's why I push so much for a resolution. I'm a super frugal person and have taught him a lot about budgeting and life in general. I always say to him it's a learning curve and he's still learning, which is of course why his mother might be reluctant to hand over this money. I think there's fault on both sides and maybe she could have dealt with it in a more reasonable way. Last night he didn't even want to talk about the money, he just wanted to talk to her on the phone about everything and she refused. He has never had any problems with his Dad.

I hope it resolves, I've done enough/too much but I see him upset and it's hard to stand by. It's early days, I personally think the best thing now is to leave it/cool down/have a break from each other for a couple of weeks and then slowly rebuild things from the ground up, with the money not being mentioned at all.

If you cared so much you would have kept out of it and not pushed for anything and least of all text her teaching her about how not to cut her nose to spite her face.

It should have occurred to you that both your and your BF's carry ons lately may be the reason why she didn't want to talk to him, lest he got up to it again. What is so unreasonable about her not wanting to get into another argument over money on the phone, or for that matter not liking her troublesome teen to shack up and procreate while so young? Maybe she had education or other plans for him at 19, how would you know? As for having a break for a few weeks, it would seem you are both just carrying on with the threat of cutting all contact. She is still his mum after all and you should both grow up and act reasonably too.

SavingPennies_2

HPoirot wrote: »

If you cared so much you would have kept out of it and not pushed for anything and least of all text her teaching her about how not to cut her nose to spite her face.

It should have occurred to you that both your and your BF's carry ons lately may be the reason why she didn't want to talk to him, lest he got up to it again. What is so unreasonable about her not wanting to get into another argument over money on the phone, or for that matter not liking her troublesome teen to shack up and procreate while so young? Maybe she had education or other plans for him at 19, how would you know? As for having a break for a few weeks, it would seem you are both just carrying on with the threat of cutting all contact. She is still his mum after all and you should both grow up and act reasonably too.

I think the OP is referring to her and the mother having a break, not the son and his mother.

balletshoes

£2000 savings does not affect means-tested DWP benefits (in reply to one of Herongull's points above).

HPoirot

SavingPennies wrote: »

I think the OP is referring to her and the mother having a break, not the son and his mother.

The opening post mentions the OP and the mother not having much to do with each other, other than the text which the OP sent last night which was unanswered.

GracieP

OP one thing you will hopefully learn over the course of your degree and certainly throughout life, is that in a significant number of instances someone who appears controlling, appears that way as they are seeing their quality of life deteriorate due to another person's actions. It's very common for someone who lives with an addict or who shares finances with a spendthrift to appear controlling when in reality they are just trying to prevent someone else's actions from destroying what they have worked for.

Bennifred

GracieP wrote: »

Here's the thing. The difference between his money and money his mother has been saving 'for him' is enormous. If 18 years from now I have managed to save up a nice little nest egg for my son it would be a sacrifice I'd have made for him for him to be able to put to good use in his adult life. There is no way on earth I'd be giving that to him so that he could have £1,000 to see himself through a weekend away without stressing about money or £5,000 for (?) before he moves into the flat that he wants the other £5,000 to kit out. And if his girlfriend, who I hadn't even met, contacted me intimating that if he didn't get to waste what I'd saved, I'd lose him, my response would rhyme with duck and toff.

That money would be for a deposit on a house, private medical treatment like laser eye surgery or fertility treatment, adoption costs or to set up a business. Something that would (hopefully) help him to make significant improvements to his life, not to be frittered away, which is what I'd consider the things you have described him wanting the money for to be. It wouldn't be his, it would be my money for him. I suspect that apart from the inheritance, your "boyfriend's money" is actually the money his mother has for him.

It's even possible that the inheritance was not even left to him but when his mother inherited her share she apportioned some of it to each of her sons. I know that whenever my grandmother comes into money she gives an equal amount to my mother and my uncles as their 'share' even though legally it is all hers. This may not be the case here and your boyfriend should follow the legal channels to see whether he legally inherited and if he did, what amount. If he did, that money is his to spend on penny sweeties if he wants, though bear in mind his mother has already given him £2,000 in the last few months, so he may not have entitlement to much more.

Tbh, I think you need to back right off in this situation. Tell him the money is unnecessary to your current plans and best kept for when it's really needed. And think twice before cutting off a woman who loves her son so much she has saved such a significant sum of money for him while raising him and his brother, at least partially, as a single parent.

I completely agree with this.
As the mother of three sons not much older than your boyfriend, I would not be handing over any more money in this situation, either - he's probably had more than he thinks and has told you anyway.

My husband and I have saved for our boys all their lives - they each had a considerable amount in "their" pots. They have always known about this money and that it is there for sensible long term puchases eg one son needed to buy a car in order to take up a new job, so that was funded from "his" pot. It may well appear controlling not to just hand the money over, but when it is hard earned it would be heartbreaking to see it frittered away, and I am fairly certain that at least one of mine would run through it with nothing to show for it if it was just handed over.
I really hope that my sons don't have the sense of entitlement your boyfriend has, but are grateful that we have their best interests at heart.
Your boyfriend needs to mend fences with his mother, get a job and prove to himself and her that he is growing up into a responsible adult before she will trust him not to waste that money. It will probably take a few years without any dramas to do that. He really should not be having babies when he can't even provide for himself.

burnoutbabe

£2k on xmas presents at 19? (even if its say £500 as "large chunk of the £2k) thats still a heck of a lot to spend on xmas when on benefits or even if you both are high earners.

paulineb_2

Tell you something, if he trashed her house, if I were him Id be using some of the money she gave me to pay for any damage caused or telling her to keep some money back to pay for things. I worked with young people and addicts for a long time, some of the young people I worked with had major mental health issues, addictions, personality disorders, you name it, theres not much I didnt see in my career and many of those young people have turned their lives around and are doing really well. Sadly some didnt and for other people it was a long road to recovery.

Id also say you dont actually know what he did or didnt do when he was drinking or dabbling in drugs. I think you really need to take the rose tinted specs off and realise that this is someone who you dont know very well. You've been living together for 5 months

You say he saw a therapist for a while re his anger? How long is a while. I would want to know. As I said above I know many people who turned their lives around but that took effort. I just think that it suits this situation to paint the mum in a more negative light, because it then takes away what your bf might have done. I also do know that many people do feel aggrieved about things that have happened in their life and they dont know how to express it and when they do express it it comes out in a totally inappropriate way. But at the moment you and he are in very much the honeymoon period I would expect. You love one another, cant bear to be apart from one another, want to see one another as much as you can.
What happens if you hit a bump in the road, which a lot of couples do, how will you deal with it and how will he deal with it? Id certainly be wanting to know how someone who by his own admission had an anger problem to the point where he trashed his mums house and she wanted to take out a restraining order would react if things ever started to go wrong between the pair of you. Id certainly want to know that before I brought a baby into the equation.

You trash someones home, you pay for the damage. And dare I say it, you are looking to have a child with someone you dont know very well, who by his own admission has anger issues.

Im also aware that when people come into money they will want to share it with their nearest and dearest, but from the mums point of view, hes now asking for the remaining money that shes been saving for him and it looks like that money will be used to set up both of you in a flat.

fabforty

Reading your posts you actually sound like his mother not his partner. You can't make everything okay for him and you can't take responsibility for keeping him on the right path, sorting out his finances, resolving this family issue etc.


As a 'couples and family' counsellor, I see this a lot and it never ends well. It's a bit like the wife of a cheating husband, who keeps him under virtual lock and key to ensure that he never strays again.


I am sure that you mean well, but you need to step back and let him make whatever decisions and choices that he wants to (good or bad). Unfortunately you might well find that, left to his own devices he is not so 'saintly' after all. I wonder if deep down, that is what you are afraid of.

Wilma33

Are you sure you want to move into a flat with someone who trashed his last home?


His mother knows her son a lot better than you do.