Family fallout over savings

Person_one

Is he receiving any treatment/therapy for his depression? When was it diagnosed?

NotAnotherSock

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I've got to agree with Pauline, Pastures and Person, even though my username doesn't start with a P!

Look at it from his mum's perspective. Note that this isn't my opinion!

Here's this easily influenced kid whose life is now being entirely dominated by someone else. Someone who appears to wear the pants in this relationship and already wants to tie this teenager down with babies and start nesting (with his inherited money?)

Neither has a job and it's statistically likely that they'll separate sooner or later because they're both so young. More babies seem inevitable but it won't make any difference to the longevity of the relationship.

Given all this, mum would be wondering how much of that money will actually benefit her son if it's handed over right now. She's probably thinking it will be spent kitting out a flat for the woman who is eventually going to be kicking out her son.

If she's thinking that then... :eek:
Just to reiterate...no rush for a flat, she knows this, no rush for anything. Enjoying life as is right now - looking forward to starting my job, I'm also doing an OU course.

edit: to the poster above, before moving in with me, he saw a therapist for a while, which helped him/helped with his anger.

itsanne

I'm another one who can see where his mother is coming from, especially as it looks as if he may already have had most of the actual inheritance and the rest is money she has been saving for him. I've done something similar with my son in setting money aside for him, but mental health issues and lifestyle choices mean there's no way it will just be handed over.

It's great that your boyfriend has made changes to his lifestyle, but it will still be very early days in his mother's eyes. I would also suspect that your attempt at negotiating with her will have been counter-productive. If you try to see it through her eyes, it can look as if you are after the money. I'm not suggesting you are, but it could be seen that way. Even if she didn't see it that way, she'll see you as interfering in something which is none of your business.

bellevie

Agree with Pauline.

Whilst it does seem unfair that she has control of the money, I can understand some of the fears she may have as a mother.

Unfortunately people who have problems with drink and drugs often break the trust of those around them to get in that situation to begin with, lie to get the money, lie about doing it, lie about stopping. Its a really scary time for a family to go through.
So she could be really cautious he has been 'sorted' for a while, if something happens argument, break up or just feeling low what if he starts again? He might not, he may have genuinely changed his life around however Id take a guess when her son was young she genuinely didn't ever forsee her son having those problems, alcohol drugs, bad friends. So as a mother she may feel she is protecting her son.

She was also once young and may be comparing her life - it wont last at his age, he should be travelling/working, he should save it for a car, save it for buying a house, saving for wedding, if I give him it all now in a years time it will all be finished and he will be left with nothing.

Of course all of the above could be wrong, the money may not be there if it has been spent. If the money was released when he was 18 and he has had a chunk, perhaps its been picked at along the way and now the is nothing left.

Legally speaking, if the money was left to him in a will, it is his. If he wants to go down that road. I don't know how he would go about getting it, Im sure someone will advise. The rest of the money that she says she has put in there over the years - if it was in an account under her own name, may be hard proving.

My personal opinion, is if this is all protective/fear based on the mothers doubts, then time will help in this situation. Prove her doubts wrong, leave the lines of communication open, be happy together, work hard, live your lives.

Parsimonia

NotAnotherSock wrote: »

Thank you.

In regards to the pregnancy - I was on the pill at the time so it was TOTALLY unplanned, not just 'whoops, no condom, screw it!' haha. A year is nothing at all, I never would've thought a year ago that I'd be where I am now so I understand all these concerns. You are right - I am starting a job at the end of January, we are looking forward to a future and I do hope at some point all this will calm down for both their sakes.

May I just say that in all your posts you are coming across as a lovely, intelligent, kind young woman and your b/f is a very, very lucky man to have you in his corner! I wish you both all the very best, and hope everything works out for the two of you!

AcidHouse

Hi OP,
For him to dabble in drugs and drink, the money had to come from somewhere. Overall, you're only getting one side of the story here, I appreciate that. Bottom line is, you've no idea what he was like back then or what he was up to. I doubt he can remember some of his behaviour himself. People don't ask for restraining orders on their own sons without good reason. He's probably been violent in her house on several occasions leading up to that point. All this before he'd hit 16. He must have really scared her.
Whatever he's done before, he's certainly paying for it now, literally, as it sounds like he won't be seeing the rest of that money any time soon until he proves he can now stand on his own two feet and is a changed, grown man. Wanting to cut his mother off because he can't get his own way, after what he's put her through, shows that he isn't quite there yet.

arbroath_lass

NotAnotherSock wrote: »

If she's thinking that then... :eek:
Just to reiterate...no rush for a flat, she knows this, no rush for anything. Enjoying life as is right now - looking forward to starting my job, I'm also doing an OU course.

edit: to the poster above, before moving in with me, he saw a therapist for a while, which helped him/helped with his anger.

No rush for a flat but you're trying to conceive again? With respect, you've got this in the wrong order. Find a place of your own and jobs and at least live together properly before you think about babies.


I think you've done the wrong thing speaking to his Mum. Now you look like a grasping "older" woman after his inheritance.


Even from what you've said here I wouldn't be in a hurry to hand over any amount of cash to your b/f. Although, I suspect he's already had what inheritance there was.

Person_one

NotAnotherSock wrote: »

Great questions, thank you.

He never went home to her drunk and when I say dabbled in drugs, I do genuinely mean, a bit of weed and such, nothing extreme, no addictions. He did get angry a lot with her and has trashed her house - at this point she called the police and wanted a restraining order on him, his Dad stepped in and my boyfriend went to live with his Dad from this point onwards (bf was 16). He was calmer with his Dad, the restraining order was never taken out. My bf still drank (I think mostly because of depression). He has never had any problems with his Dad. She has never had to pay any debts for him, he never asked for money which was then spent on drink/drugs, he has never stolen from anyone and has never sold any of her belongings.

Anytime he saw his Mum they usually had a disagreement of some sorts.

IMO, I think they possibly have a clash of personalities to some extent. Appreciate all insights...it's a difficult on and I can see in my first post what I have written down can come across all different ways.

Honestly, none of that sounds outside the realm of normal teenage angst and drama. At the top end of the scale definitely, but plenty of mothers and sons go on to have good relationships as adults after a few years of this while they're growing up.

You were very unlucky to get pregnant while on the pill and within just a few weeks of moving in. Have you any ideas why it might have failed so that the same thing doesn't happen again? You must realise it's not the time to plan for a child?

I'm still curious as to how you met, I have to admit, the idea of a 22 year old woman falling madly in love with an 18 year old boy who lives hundreds of miles away is definitely outside of my experience/understanding.

GracieP

NotAnotherSock wrote: »

Yes - I think the rest of the money has come from her own income but she has repeatedly said all of that money is 'for him'.

Here's the thing. The difference between his money and money his mother has been saving 'for him' is enormous. If 18 years from now I have managed to save up a nice little nest egg for my son it would be a sacrifice I'd have made for him for him to be able to put to good use in his adult life. There is no way on earth I'd be giving that to him so that he could have £1,000 to see himself through a weekend away without stressing about money or £5,000 for (?) before he moves into the flat that he wants the other £5,000 to kit out. And if his girlfriend, who I hadn't even met, contacted me intimating that if he didn't get to waste what I'd saved, I'd lose him, my response would rhyme with duck and toff.

That money would be for a deposit on a house, private medical treatment like laser eye surgery or fertility treatment, adoption costs or to set up a business. Something that would (hopefully) help him to make significant improvements to his life, not to be frittered away, which is what I'd consider the things you have described him wanting the money for to be. It wouldn't be his, it would be my money for him. I suspect that apart from the inheritance, your "boyfriend's money" is actually the money his mother has for him.

It's even possible that the inheritance was not even left to him but when his mother inherited her share she apportioned some of it to each of her sons. I know that whenever my grandmother comes into money she gives an equal amount to my mother and my uncles as their 'share' even though legally it is all hers. This may not be the case here and your boyfriend should follow the legal channels to see whether he legally inherited and if he did, what amount. If he did, that money is his to spend on penny sweeties if he wants, though bear in mind his mother has already given him £2,000 in the last few months, so he may not have entitlement to much more.

Tbh, I think you need to back right off in this situation. Tell him the money is unnecessary to your current plans and best kept for when it's really needed. And think twice before cutting off a woman who loves her son so much she has saved such a significant sum of money for him while raising him and his brother, at least partially, as a single parent.

HPoirot

GracieP wrote: »

Here's the thing. The difference between his money and money his mother has been saving 'for him' is enormous. If 18 years from now I have managed to save up a nice little nest egg for my son it would be a sacrifice I'd have made for him for him to be able to put to good use in his adult life. There is no way on earth I'd be giving that to him so that he could have £1,000 to see himself through a weekend away without stressing about money or £5,000 for (?) before he moves into the flat that he wants the other £5,000 to kit out. And if his girlfriend, who I hadn't even met, contacted me intimating that if he didn't get to waste what I'd saved, I'd lose him, my response would rhyme with duck and toff.

That money would be for a deposit on a house, private medical treatment like laser eye surgery or fertility treatment, adoption costs or to set up a business. Something that would (hopefully) help him to make significant improvements to his life, not to be frittered away, which is what I'd consider the things you have described him wanting the money for to be. It wouldn't be his, it would be my money for him. I suspect that apart from the inheritance, your "boyfriend's money" is actually the money his mother has for him.

I fully agree with this, and I do not see why the OP and the teenage boyfriend are in knots over this money if there is no pressing need for it and he wants to turn his life around anyway. Why not work and earn the flat you want to move into, why harangue the mother for the money she has been saving for him to the point of threatening to cut all ties? None of this seems adult or responsible behaviour to me and this may be how the mum sees it.