Family fallout over savings

paulineb_2

NotAnotherSock wrote: »

The last sentence made me lol I have to admit. But so did the second - thank you for making me feel ancient at just 23. :eek: There is no pressure for anything, accidental pregnancies happen and there is no rush for a flat or anything of the sort - it would just be nice if he could make steps in the right direction towards this.

She barely knew anything of his life - he stayed out a lot, when he tried to talk to her about his depression/anxiety she just told him it was an 'excuse'. I understand everything you've said though and have said the same things to his Mum, about understanding how she'd want that money to see him good, etc. His Mum continually shuts me out and hasn't even replied to my latest attempts to help them two patch things up/sort something out.

As a side note, she didn't have the best relationship with her own mother.

I also have to say that everything you are saying, you are hearing from your partner.

I wonder what her life was like when he was drinking, dabbling in drugs and running around with the wrong company.

There are always two sides to every story.

Person_one

Loads of teenage boys drink, dabble in drugs and don't get on with their mums.

balletshoes

NotAnotherSock wrote: »

The last sentence made me lol I have to admit. But so did the second - thank you for making me feel ancient at just 23. :eek: There is no pressure for anything, accidental pregnancies happen and there is no rush for a flat or anything of the sort - it would just be nice if he could make steps in the right direction towards this.

She barely knew anything of his life - he stayed out a lot, when he tried to talk to her about his depression/anxiety she just told him it was an 'excuse'. I understand everything you've said though and have said the same things to his Mum, about understanding how she'd want that money to see him good, etc.
His Mum continually shuts me out and hasn't even replied to my latest attempts to help them two patch things up/sort something out.

As a side note, she didn't have the best relationship with her own mother.

i think, as another poster has suggested, you need to step back from this and let your bf and his mum and dad sort this out.
Don't contact her again about this - i know my mum would think a fairly new girlfriend of my adult brother's trying to "smooth the waters etc" between him and her for whatever reason, an interfering so-and-so who needed to keep her nose out (she'd be highly hacked off at my brother too).

NotAnotherSock

balletshoes wrote: »

i think, as another poster has suggested, you need to step back from this and let your bf and his mum and dad sort this out.
Don't contact her again about this - i know my mum would think a fairly new girlfriend of my adult brother's trying to "smooth the waters etc" between him and her for whatever reason, an interfering so-and-so who needed to keep her nose out (she'd be highly hacked off at my brother too).

I completely agree with what you're saying - I have told her I don't want to interfere, etc and don't plan on talking to her again as there's nothing I can do/say. I'm sure it will sort itself one way or another.

paulineb_2

Person_one wrote: »

Loads of teenage boys drink, dabble in drugs and don't get on with their mums.

Im sure they do. But every experience is different. And some families can be put through the mill by peoples alcohol consumption and drug taking.

Its a very new relationship. The OP is seeing her partner in recovery as it were, not at the point where things were at their worst, whatever that was.

AcidHouse

Hi OP,

Hope you feel better in the morning, here's my take on it...

I guess you need to find out more details about the last few years of their relationship, from when he started to cause trouble, through to when he moved out of her home.

You say he's turned his life around since he's been with you which is great, but his mother is the one who bore the brunt of his alcohol/drug related attitude, and she won't be looking at him now as a darling son, she will remember him only for what he's been like the last few years.

She doesn't give a monkeys how nice you say he is now. She's made that very clear, which says to me, he's been a nightmare to live with and in her mind, you don't know him at all, so she won't listen to a word you have to say about him. You know a different person to the one that she did.

Can he remember at any point become abusive towards his mother, mentally / physically while he was abusing drugs / alcohol / at all?

Did he have times when he behaved, then slipped back into old ways and that is what she is assuming will happen next & therefore giving him the money now is the wrong time?

Did she have to pay any debts for him while he was going through bad times? Did she financially support him during that time and he spent her money on drugs & drink? Did he steal money from her, or sell her belongings?

What I'm saying is, did he make her life hell for the last few years, and destroy their relationship through his actions?

Maybe the reason she doesn't want anything to do with you, is because she doesn't want anything to do with him, and is relieved that he has gone. Maybe his previous treatment towards her now justifies her not giving him the money, in her mind.

I really think she's withholding it because of his past behaviour, because it also sounds like she wants nothing to do with him and his new life.

paulineb_2

balletshoes wrote: »

i think, as another poster has suggested, you need to step back from this and let your bf and his mum and dad sort this out.
Don't contact her again about this - i know my mum would think a fairly new girlfriend of my adult brother's trying to "smooth the waters etc" between him and her for whatever reason, an interfering so-and-so who needed to keep her nose out (she'd be highly hacked off at my brother too).

I agree. I dont think theres anything to be gained by trying to discuss any of this with the mum, its for them to sort out or not as the case may be.

Parsimonia

I have sympathy for both sides.

Whilst I can appreciate how frustrating it must be for you and your boyfriend to not have access to and control over what your b/f considers 'his' money, I can also sympathise with his mother.

Your b/f is still very young, still unemployed, and has only one year of sobriety / being drug-free under his belt (if he's only changed his life around since meeting you in January 2013).

One year in the grand scheme of things isn't a very long time at all.

I should imagine that she's petrified that he's not yet out of the woods, and is at high risk of slipping back into his old habits.

I also expect that your unplanned pregnancy (whilst both of you are still unemployed and unable to pay for your own accommodation) has unfortunately reinforced her anxieties and made her even more convinced that your b/f cannot be fully trusted to make sensible, mature decisions yet.

If that sounds harsh, I absolutely don't mean for it to come across that way! We were all young once, and your youthful idealism, love and confidence are fabulous to behold....but your b/f's mum is probably more cynical and world-weary, and is understandably worried that her son will make rash decisions, or go off the rails if suddenly given access to such a large sum of money. She probably thinks he'll end up frittering it all away or even using it to finance a return to a drinking/drug-taking lifestyle.

The fact that he's moved to the other end of the country where she can't keep a mother's protective eye on him has probably also contributed to her anxieties.

She's probably being over-protective, but I think that's understandable given your b/f's youth and recent history.

I would urge your b/f to be patient, to drop the subject for now, and for both of you to just carry on with your lives as if this legacy didn't exist. What you haven't had you shouldn't miss, and you should just push it to the back of your minds. Then, if and when she relents and gives you the money, it will be a nice bonus.

In the meantime, make the best possible use of any opportunities that open up for you both (jobs etc) and focus on being happy, getting some security and stability in your lives, getting a place of your own and proving to everyone that all your troubles are in the past and you're now both in a better place.

Once the heat and tension is removed from the equation, your b/f's mum may reconsider and hand over control of the money. Then again, she may not, but it's simply not worth having a family breakup over, or getting worked up and upset over it.

It's just not worth it....the frustration and anxiety are not good for either of you, so just let it go for the time being, and let time and patience work their magic...

NotAnotherSock

AcidHouse wrote: »

Hi OP,

Hope you feel better in the morning, here's my take on it...

I guess you need to find out more details about the last few years of their relationship, from when he started to cause trouble, through to when he moved out of her home.

You say he's turned his life around since he's been with you which is great, but his mother is the one who bore the brunt of his alcohol/drug related attitude, and she won't be looking at him now as a darling son, she will remember him only for what he's been like the last few years.

She doesn't give a monkeys how nice you say he is now. She's made that very clear, which says to me, he's been a nightmare to live with and in her mind, you don't know him at all, so she won't listen to a word you have to say about him. You know a different person to the one that she did.

Can he remember at any point become abusive towards his mother, mentally / physically while he was abusing drugs / alcohol / at all?

Did he have times when he behaved, then slipped back into old ways and that is what she is assuming will happen next & therefore giving him the money now is the wrong time?

Did she have to pay any debts for him while he was going through bad times? Did she financially support him during that time and he spent her money on drugs & drink? Did he steal money from her, or sell her belongings?

What I'm saying is, did he make her life hell for the last few years, and destroy their relationship through his actions?

Maybe the reason she doesn't want anything to do with you, is because she doesn't want anything to do with him, and is relieved that he has gone. Maybe his previous treatment towards her now justifies her not giving him the money, in her mind.

I really think she's withholding it because of his past behaviour, because it also sounds like she wants nothing to do with him and his new life.

Great questions, thank you.

He never went home to her drunk and when I say dabbled in drugs, I do genuinely mean, a bit of weed and such, nothing extreme, no addictions. He did get angry a lot with her and has trashed her house - at this point she called the police and wanted a restraining order on him, his Dad stepped in and my boyfriend went to live with his Dad from this point onwards (bf was 16). He was calmer with his Dad, the restraining order was never taken out. My bf still drank (I think mostly because of depression). He has never had any problems with his Dad. She has never had to pay any debts for him, he never asked for money which was then spent on drink/drugs, he has never stolen from anyone and has never sold any of her belongings.

Anytime he saw his Mum they usually had a disagreement of some sorts.

IMO, I think they possibly have a clash of personalities to some extent. Appreciate all insights...it's a difficult on and I can see in my first post what I have written down can come across all different ways.

NotAnotherSock

Parsimonia wrote: »

I have sympathy for both sides.

Whilst I can appreciate how frustrating it must be for you and your boyfriend to not have access to and control over what your b/f considers 'his' money, I can also sympathise with his mother.

Your b/f is still very young, still unemployed, and has only one year of sobriety / being drug-free under his belt (if he's only changed his life around since meeting you in January 2013).

One year in the grand scheme of things isn't a very long time at all.

I should imagine that she's petrified that he's not yet out of the woods, and is at high risk of slipping back into his old habits.

I also expect that your unplanned pregnancy (whilst both of you are still unemployed and unable to pay for your own accommodation) has unfortunately reinforced her anxieties and made her even more convinced that your b/f cannot be fully trusted to make sensible, mature decisions yet.

If that sounds harsh, I absolutely don't mean for it to come across that way! We were all young once, and your youthful idealism, love and confidence are fabulous to behold....but your b/f's mum is probably more cynical and world-weary, and is understandably worried that her son will make rash decisions, or go off the rails if suddenly given access to such a large sum of money. She probably thinks he'll end up frittering it all away or even using it to finance a return to a drinking/drug-taking lifestyle.

The fact that he's moved to the other end of the country where she can't keep a mother's protective eye on him has probably also contributed to her anxieties.

She's probably being over-protective, but I think that's understandable given your b/f's youth and recent history.

I would urge your b/f to be patient, to drop the subject for now, and for both of you to just carry on with your lives as if this legacy didn't exist. What you haven't had you shouldn't miss, and you should just push it to the back of your minds. Then, if and when she relents and gives you the money, it will be a nice bonus.

In the meantime, make the best possible use of any opportunities that open up for you both (jobs etc) and focus on being happy, getting some security and stability in your lives, getting a place of your own and proving to everyone that all your troubles are in the past and you're now both in a better place.

Once the heat and tension is removed from the equation, your b/f's mum may reconsider and hand over control of the money. Then again, she may not, but it's simply not worth having a family breakup over, or getting worked up and upset over it.

It's just not worth it....the frustration and anxiety are not good for either of you, so just let it go for the time being, and let time and patience work their magic...

Thank you.

In regards to the pregnancy - I was on the pill at the time so it was TOTALLY unplanned, not just 'whoops, no condom, screw it!' haha. A year is nothing at all, I never would've thought a year ago that I'd be where I am now so I understand all these concerns. You are right - I am starting a job at the end of January, we are looking forward to a future and I do hope at some point all this will calm down for both their sakes.