Family fallout over savings

sulkisu

Despite what his mother has said about the money being for your boyfriend, from the facts that you have given, it is her money. Money that she has saved from her own income, in her name. He has been given the money that was left to him - at least most of it.
TBF I can fully understand why she is reluctant to hand it over. I am saving for my children, but if one had a drink a drug problem I would be hard pushed to give it to them. He is only 19, so his recovery is really not that long. You have been with him for a year and call him a 'saint', his mother has probably been dealing with the fallout of his addicitions and behaviour for a lot longer. Moving miles away to live with a new girlfriend, who then becomes pregnant within weeks (planned or unplanned) will have done nothing to convince her that he is getting his life in order.


I think your boyfriend needs to forget about the money, and continue building on his recovery and getting his life in order. I also agree with others who suggest that you stay right out of it. Having an older partner on benefits who is seemingly pushing for the money, will IMHO make her even less likely to hand anything over. Her relationship with her own mother is irrelevant.

peachyprice

One small detail. If the original £3-5k was truly left to him in his grandmother's will, legally it would have had to go into account solely in his name to be released to him when he reached 18. You cannot put money willed to a child onto an account that a parent has access to.

Firstly he needs to go back to the begining and ask the probate office for a copy of the will to see if this money was actually willed to him in the first place.

Secondly, if it was, he will then need to ask the executor why the money was illegally given to his mother to put into an account she has access to. If the executor has balled up, they are liable for his loss.

Thirdly, if the £3-5k was willed to him, that is all he is entitled to, if his mother has decided that she doesn't now want to give him the remaining £7-9k that she has saved, that's her prerogative and there's nothing he can do about it.

System

Did the will even go through probate? If the estate value is less than £25k you don't have to and there will not be a record of anything (apart from the original will).

When my gran died I was sole executor and she left 23k. I followed the instructions in the will but nobody ever checked either the will or whether I was following them.

I could have theoretically nicked the whole lump sum if I had wanted to!

Ivrytwr3

Did i read right? He is 19 and you met/started a relationship 12 months ago?

If so, you have gone through a hell of a lot already!! Moving in together, miscarriages, proposals, wedding dates and now falling out with the inlaws.

What ever happened to enjoying a realtionship?!

As for the money - all depends what the will says if there was one - either way it looks like it's going to get messy!!

MrsE_2

GracieP wrote: »

Here's the thing. The difference between his money and money his mother has been saving 'for him' is enormous. If 18 years from now I have managed to save up a nice little nest egg for my son it would be a sacrifice I'd have made for him for him to be able to put to good use in his adult life. There is no way on earth I'd be giving that to him so that he could have £1,000 to see himself through a weekend away without stressing about money or £5,000 for (?) before he moves into the flat that he wants the other £5,000 to kit out. And if his girlfriend, who I hadn't even met, contacted me intimating that if he didn't get to waste what I'd saved, I'd lose him, my response would rhyme with duck and toff

It's even possible that the inheritance was not even left to him but when his mother inherited her share she apportioned some of it to each of her sons. I know that whenever my grandmother comes into money she gives an equal amount to my mother and my uncles as their 'share' even though legally it is all hers. This may not be the case here and your boyfriend should follow the legal channels to see whether he legally inherited and if he did, what amount. If he did, that money is his to spend on penny sweeties if he wants, though bear in mind his mother has already given him £2,000 in the last few months, so he may not have entitlement to much more.

Gotta agree with this one OP. He's unlikely to get any money his mum has saved for him unless she thinks he deserves it.
Re the other money, was it actually left to him, or to his mum, who put it aside "for him".

FBaby

Assuming that money that parents are savings for their children belong to their children is a very wrong assumption. It only becomes the ownership of the child when it is passed on. Until she wants to hand over the money, it is hers to do whatever she wants with it and this sense of entitlement to it must not surprisingly make her very angry. I suspect she thinks you are behind it hence her feelings towards you. That is of course assuming nothing illegal was done where the £3k was left in a trust accessible to your boyfriend when he turned 18.

One thing that came to mind to, you said she gave him £2000 for christmas presents. Are you sure that's what it was for? Because that seems a ridiculous amount to give to spend on presents for a couple who are not working, money hard earned by herself. I am wondering whether that money was given for a specific purpose and she is not happy at how it was spent.

As for the rest...you are in love, you have helped him tremendously, and that is great but you really really are rushing things. Firstly, you need to be absolutely certain that you don't fall pregnant again, so if you indeed truly fell pregnant whilst taking the pill as you should, then you need to consider another method. You are just starting a job and so will he. A new job to become successful requires a lot of attention and is very demanding. Concentrate both on settling with your jobs. Then you can think of settling together in accordance to how much money you earn. You will feel much better about yourself if all you pay for comes from your hard earn money.

I bet once you both are settled in your jobs, paying for your ways, she will turn around and be willing to share the money. Maybe by then, it will come handy to help with the wedding. But now is not the time. If your boyfriend was my son, I wouldn't give him a penny until he settled down with a stable job.

DorsetGirl_2

FBaby wrote: »

If your boyfriend was my son, I wouldn't give him a penny until he settled down with a stable job.

Absolutely.

She may have sacrificed a lot to add to the money saved for him, and she doesn't want it to be wasted, which she is probably thinking it would be given your BF's past history. You have not painted yourself in a hood light, and she may be thinking that you only care about the money. She wants to make sure the nest egg is safe from being thrown away.

NotAnotherSock

I completely agree with everything that's been said, it is her money at the end of the day. I have asked him a few times to leave it now and today I think he's going to do just that. We are enjoying life atm and I wouldn't want anything to change. I'm excited about starting my new job, and hopefully getting a flat this year. I'm happy at just looking at things for our flat, how we would decorate it, etc. I'm content as we are. I know I'm being painted as a gold-digger and nothing I can say will change that as it's hard through text to see what someones like but I was on ESA (before that I worked) due to multiple illnesses, a long term hereditary condition and then an infection which nearly killed me. :eek: Came out of hospital the end of November, of which then the ESA stopped and I started looking for a job - which I found at the end of December and start at the end of this month. I'm doing a Psychology degree with the OU which I'm really enjoying and long term life goal is to become a Clinical Psychologist.

I (obviously) care about my boyfriend and see how this distresses him so that's why I push so much for a resolution. I'm a super frugal person and have taught him a lot about budgeting and life in general. I always say to him it's a learning curve and he's still learning, which is of course why his mother might be reluctant to hand over this money. I think there's fault on both sides and maybe she could have dealt with it in a more reasonable way. Last night he didn't even want to talk about the money, he just wanted to talk to her on the phone about everything and she refused. He has never had any problems with his Dad.

I hope it resolves, I've done enough/too much but I see him upset and it's hard to stand by. It's early days, I personally think the best thing now is to leave it/cool down/have a break from each other for a couple of weeks and then slowly rebuild things from the ground up, with the money not being mentioned at all.

Thanks for all your advice/input/opinions, etc. Appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

FBaby

The world is your oyster as they say. You are both young, starting up and you can still do absolutely anything you want. The only mistake you can make is by rushing things and wanting things too early.

You are a good listener and that will go a long way. Good luck with your future together. Take your time, enjoy each moment of it, and remember that everything is always much easier when you are in control of your life, ie, you earn your own money and are accountable to no one. Bring a child up together is a reward of having prepared well to welcome this new addition to the world and you will enjoy being parents much much more if it comes when you can offer them the best. You have so much time left to do that.

As for his relationship for his mum, time is his best friend. She clearly loves him, she just needs some reassurance that he is the boy she has raised to become. Her support will come when she wants to give it, rather than when he wants to receive it.

Herongull

His Grandmother passed away in 2007 and left somewhere between £3,000 and £5,000 in savings to him. His mother has control of this savings account and has continued saving in it for him. There was approximately £12,000 in it. Since July she has given him £2,000 in bits and pieces, with the biggest chunk of that at the beginning of December so that he could buy Christmas presents. There's £10,000 left.

In relation to the money, the legal aspects turn on whether the money from the Grandmother was left to him or to his mother and whether the account was really in his name.

If the account was in his name, but she continued to put money in then all the money is his (as what she put in was a gift). By putting it into his account, the ownership transferred to him.

But if that is the case, she cannot transfer all the money into an account in her name. Bank accounts don't work like that. He would need to do it. If it was in his name (= his money) then he would need to declare it and it would affect his benefits. As far as I know the rules don't allow you to give your money away to a relative and then claim benefits. If he signed for benefits and claimed no savings, he may have committed benefit fraud and could be prosecuted.

If the money was never in an account in his name and the legacy was to his mother even if the grandmother intended him to have some of it, it is legally all his mothers money to dispose of as she wishes. This seems the most likely scenario.

If he is on benefits and is given £2000 by his mother, does he need to declare it and will it affect his benefits? I would have thought so, but I don't know the rules, and it would be wise to check.

If the money is legally his mothers, the likely scenario, then I agree with what others have said, the last thing you or he should be doing is pressing his mother for it. I also suspect that she thinks you are after the money and that is why she wants nothing to do with you.

Make your own way in life, save for things, don't ask for anything from his parents. You are then beholden to no one and you will take great pride in what you have achieved. I think this will be particularly the case with your partner. It will be a tremendous boost for his confidence - don't take that away from him.

If you are the sensible people you sound, you will do it.

She may or may not give him any more money, but that is her decision and treat it as a bonus if it happens but forget about it for now.

But stop asking for it now, don't cut his mother off, and just plan your future together.

I