Family fallout over savings

NotAnotherSock

Posting this on a throwaway. Take a breath because this will be long...!

Hello,

I'm just looking for some perspective and opinions, not really any advice. Some background, I'm 23, me and my partner (19) met in January 2013 and he moved in (from London to up North) with me and my Mum in August 2013, we have had a joint JSA claim since early December 2013, as I was on ESA until end of November. He has been troubled somewhat from 15 onwards, suffering from depression/anxiety, struggled through school and ended up hanging around with a group of people who were no good, he drank a lot and dabbled with drugs. Since meeting me though he has changed his life completely. He does not drink or anything. He's an absolutely saint now that he has been given a chance. I can't sing his praises enough. He helps out all the time around the house, etc. We have a great relationship that goes from strength to strength.

His Grandmother passed away in 2007 and left somewhere between £3,000 and £5,000 in savings to him. His mother has control of this savings account and has continued saving in it for him. There was approximately £12,000 in it. Since July she has given him £2,000 in bits and pieces, with the biggest chunk of that at the beginning of December so that he could buy Christmas presents. There's £10,000 left. He has since asked if he can now have control of this savings account.

She is not the easiest of people to negotiate with, she is very hard to talk with and is someone who always has to be 'right'. They have had a very up and down relationship for a while. Since being with me she has not made much effort to get to know me, hasn't met me yet (even though the offer has been there), but seems to have judged me in the worst possible way (once accusing me of turning her son into a monster...?)

In October we suffered a miscarriage at approximately six weeks. It was an unplanned pregnancy but nevertheless the loss of that pregnancy was extremely upsetting. We hadn't told anyone but his Father (his parents are divorced), she had at this point, for a while being asking him to go back to London, he told her about the miscarriage and alls she had to say was 'When are you coming back to London?' she offered him no sympathy or support. He visited London at the end of November/beginning of December, in which they had a family discussion where it was decided his Dad would take over control of the savings account.

This never happened, she ended up moving the money from one account to another account in her name. My boyfriend said the money was originally in an account under his name. My boyfriend at this point asked her when she would hand the savings over as he is now moved out, moving on with his life and would like that money to get set up, shop in the sales for our flat, etc. She told him when she sees progress she will hand it over. Then she changed her mind and it was when we have jobs (fair enough). I now have a job and he is close to securing one. He again asked if she could at least put control of the money in his Dad's hands. She said she would. We then met for dinner with his Dad who was passing through on the way to visiting some family for Christmas. His Dad had no idea and she hadn't put the money in his control. His Dad was completely on board with the idea of my boyfriend having £5,000 now and then £5,000 when we are moved into our flat (hoping to be around May/June).

My boyfriend didn't want me to know this but since all this has happened he has had to talk to me about it. He is planning on proposing in the very near future, he talked to his Dad about it who supports him and thinks it's great. He bought the ring before Christmas, he has asked for her support and some assistance, we are taking a short break the week after next, which we paid for before Christmas too, he has told her he is planning on proposing and doesn't want to worry about money while on this short break/when he proposes, he has asked for £1,000 to see us through until our first wages come through. She has flat out refused to help him, says he's too young for marriage (although we would be engaged, marriage would not be on the cards until at least 2016).

This has been terribly distressing for my partner. He's done a great job of turning his life around and he just wants to be able to get his life going properly now. He has talked to his Mum on many occasions about this, after the miscarriage, he told her how we were both stressed, etc and her only response was 'Tough.'

I also tried talking to her, asked if something could be done so that everyone is happy, she just said no. My boyfriend is at a complete loss and has made the decision that he does not want her in his life anymore if she can't support him/help him/be a good Mother in general. I've sent her a message tonight telling her not to cut her nose off to spite her face and again asking if this can resolved, ending it simply with 'if not, what a waste.' I have received no reply. I just see it as such a waste, my boyfriend has been in tears over this and often tells me how he wishes it was different, how he wishes he could have a relationship with his Mum.

He's calling his Dad in the morning for a final chat about it but he has had words with his Mum tonight and decided to cut her out of his life. I feel at a bit of a loss, his Mum seems to be completely unreasonable and even unwilling to listen to reason. I can't understand why she would be so against helping her son out.

My boyfriend wanted me to post this to see some outsiders perspectives/opinions. Is he being as unreasonable as his Mum is making out him to be or is his Mum being unfair not helping him to move forward with his life when money has been left to him specifically for that reason?

I've tried to include everything and realise it may be a bit jumbled, my brain is completely fried from all of this. I've never really had to deal with any family drama. :rotfl:As a final note I should say that we are great with our money, budget for food/bills/etc, we don't buy anything that's not necessary. Also that the most bothersome thing to my boyfriend is not the money - it's how his mother has been treating him/us. Sorry if some things don't make sense, I will check this for replies in the morning and answer any questions/add any necessary info.

If you got this far... you deserve a medal. Thanks for taking the time to read. Hope the new year is treating you all well. Phew. :eek:

Tiglath

What were the terms of the will? Has he seen a copy? That would be my first action, and I'd be concerned that the money is now in her name and earning interest for her if it was specifically earmarked for me while underage.

NotAnotherSock

Tiglath wrote: »

What were the terms of the will? Has he seen a copy? That would be my first action, and I'd be concerned that the money is now in her name and earning interest for her if it was specifically earmarked for me while underage.

He hasn't seen the will no, he was extremely close to his Grandmother and both his parents have told him in the past the money was specifically left for him from her. It concerns us both too that it is now in an account under her name.

paulineb_2

To be honest, from what Ive read above, I would imagine theres much more to the relationship with his mum than possibly you know about. Id also say it must be hard to watch someone you love suffer, but I think that if I were you I would take a step back and let them try and resolve things or not as the case may be.

He is very young, 19 and Im aware people do marry and have families at 19, but I dont think thats an unreasonable comment.

As for the rest of it, Im afraid I couldnt say one way or the other if hes at fault or shes at fault, the problem with the money is, its been left to him but she has control of it.

Im not sure why shed go to the trouble of continuing to save for him then to say shes refusing to hand it over, however early on in the thread, you said about the alcohol, drugs, I would say thats probably a very big factor in her not wanting to hand the cash over and to be fair, you werent involved with him at the time, you dont know how his behaviour impacted on their relationship, what I mean is, you didnt live through that.

I can understand why someone might not want to hand over a large sum of money to someone who has had previous drink and drug issues, until they knew they were completely on their feet.

Tiddlywinks

So, your BF has access to £12,000 but is still claiming benefits?

Wouldn't it be better to use the money to set himself up in a small business? Or to try to have a more productive future?

As an aside, but most important, I would suggest making absolutely sure that you don't have another 'accidental' pregnancy as you both really don't need more stress on top of the issues presenting themselves.

balletshoes

you say that your boyfriend was left between £3000 and £5000 - does he not know the exact amount? Also, where has the extra savings in that account come from? Was it his mum who put the extra savings in, from her money/income?

On the face of it, if it was closer to £3000 he inherited, and he's had, by your own calculation, the majority of that already from the account, and he can't get any resolution with his mum about whats left in the account, then i think he'd be best putting that behind him. Its awful when things don't go the way you expect them to, and from what you've said it seems like his mum swings back and forth between saying one thing and doing another as far as this money is concerned.

Would it be worthwhile asking his Dad to talk to his Mum about it all, if he can do so calmly, and if she'd accept that in the same manner?

If you let it, money in families can be a real problem, and i do sympathise with your boyfriend. Unless there is a lot of other stuff going on too though, I would encourage him not to cut his mum out of his life over money.

balletshoes

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

So, your BF has access to £12,000 but is still claiming benefits?

Wouldn't it be better to use the money to set himself up in a small business? Or to try to have a more productive future?

As an aside, but most important, I would suggest making absolutely sure that you don't have another 'accidental' pregnancy as you both really don't need more stress on top of the issues presenting themselves.

no, apparently he doesn't have access to it - thats part of the problem.

Tiglath

Someone coincidentally just posted this link on another thread:

http://www.justice.gov.uk/courts/probate/copies-of-grants-wills

NotAnotherSock

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

So, your BF has access to £12,000 but is still claiming benefits?

Wouldn't it be better to use the money to set himself up in a small business? Or to try to have a more productive future?

As an aside, but most important, I would suggest making absolutely sure that you don't have another 'accidental' pregnancy as you both really don't need more stress on top of the issues presenting themselves.

To the first two questions - he has no access to the money.

The pregnancy never caused us any stress, the miscarriage did.

NotAnotherSock

balletshoes wrote: »

you say that your boyfriend was left between £3000 and £5000 - does he not know the exact amount? Also, where has the extra savings in that account come from? Was it his mum who put the extra savings in, from her money/income?

On the face of it, if it was closer to £3000 he inherited, and he's had, by your own calculation, the majority of that already from the account, and he can't get any resolution with his mum about whats left in the account, then i think he'd be best putting that behind him. Its awful when things don't go the way you expect them to, and from what you've said it seems like his mum swings back and forth between saying one thing and doing another as far as this money is concerned.

Would it be worthwhile asking his Dad to talk to his Mum about it all, if he can do so calmly, and if she'd accept that in the same manner?

If you let it, money in families can be a real problem, and i do sympathise with your boyfriend. Unless there is a lot of other stuff going on too though, I would encourage him not to cut his mum out of his life over money.

Yes - I think the rest of the money has come from her own income but she has repeatedly said all of that money is 'for him'. His Dad has tried talking to her about it and the only thing they've ever resolved is bits and pieces of money, or the money going into his control, which has never happened. His Dad has to be reasonable with her otherwise she won't let him see their younger son, so he walks a bit of a tightrope really.

I know exactly what you mean - which is why I mention it being a waste, is it really worth sacrificing entire relationships over something like this? You are right but it is the way she has treated him/us in general that makes him want to cut her out, not really about the money. Thank you for reading and replying.

Tiddlywinks

balletshoes wrote: »

no, apparently he doesn't have access to it - thats part of the problem.

But how will the DWP etc view it? IF the money was left directly to the BF then he would have needed to declare it.