So confused......

paulineb_2

Hermia wrote: »

I think that is true with some people, but I don't think many people can totally hide their character from day one. I was very lucky in that my parents gave me loads of amazing advice when I got into my teens for how to spot warning signs. My mum dated some loonies in her youth and my dad had been a player so they both knew what they were talking about. I therefore find I spot things very early. The only problem is that when I spot warning signs in friend's relationships they don't listen until it's got bad.

The thing is, maybe people dont have awful self esteem until they meet people like the OP's bf

I didnt. I met someone who was lovely to me for a while. I was 18 years old. I didnt see the bad stuff creeping in, maybe other people could have, I didnt. Its always easier as I said to see it from a more neutral perspective than when you are in the thick of it

The second bf I spoke about, he wasnt horrible to me right away. By the time I left him my self esteem was low, of course its going to be low, someone chipping away at it all the time. As for people saying why not get out sooner, when you have someone banging on about how awful you are, on some level it grinds you down sometimes to the point where it takes longer to get out, or some people never get out.

Believe me, Ive seen enough people over the years who have ended up in 30 year marriages with people who belittle them and treat them like dirt. It doesnt matter how long it takes to leave, if someone leaves thats a positive thing.

Its also much easier to give people advice on their relationships than to take your own in a lot of cases, if I was advising a friend who was going through what I was going through Id have said run the other way, dont look back

But it can be hard to admit to people that things are wrong, particularly if that person is seen as the salt of the earth by other people. As Ive said, my ex bf who was rotten to me has got someone to marry him. Twice. He has a charming side and thats what people will have fallen for.

It took me a long time to say to a friend, by the way, Im not happy with this person. It was a massive breakthrough to admit to someone that my relationship wasnt actually wonderful, in fact it was terrible.

Because until then I had spent years hiding and letting people think everything was ok, because its hard to admit that someone is actually not a nice person, but in fact really nasty.

Abusive relationships are complex and it can be hard to understand why people stay if youve been in relationships that are healthy. I never thought it would happen to me twice, but it did, all I can say is, it wont ever happen a third time, Ive been through too much.

Bella73

Hermia wrote: »

I think that is true with some people, but I don't think many people can totally hide their character from day one. I was very lucky in that my parents gave me loads of amazing advice when I got into my teens for how to spot warning signs. My mum dated some loonies in her youth and my dad had been a player so they both knew what they were talking about. I therefore find I spot things very early. The only problem is that when I spot warning signs in friend's relationships they don't listen until it's got bad.

Not too sure about this as to be fair I knew a girl in our village who went out with a guy for two years....the first time he hit her was their wedding night...you can't always tell, he wanted to marry her first as she came from a wealthy family, so hid it very well during their engagement period, he was charm himself and everyone was taken in.

Bazey

Sounds like a keeper.

Maureen43

Op - some very good advice on here and I hope you will act on it!

I just wanted to say that, if you want to pm me if things are tough, I will get back to you as quick as a lightning flash.

As others have said, it won't be as hard as you think.

Hugs from me.

busiscoming2

I agree with the others: Run, Run, Run!

Pollycat

I think the OP's first post is truly shocking.
What despicable behaviour this guy is showing to her.

I really hope that the OP does this:

Naya wrote: »

No, my head is telling me it's time to get out and I am planning to tell him some home truths tomorrow....

paddy's_mum

Naya wrote: »

I know .. gonna be a rough ride and I will need to be disciplined and tough with myself

Not half as rough, tough and downright tragic as the life you have [STRIKE]enjoyed[/STRIKE] endured for the duration of this so-called friendship.

I'd also suggest that you forgo any satisfaction you may achieve when telling him his few home truths - a person this grasping and horrid may well turn very nasty indeed when he sees his golden goose disappearing. DON'T PUT YOURSELF AT RISK FOR THE SAKE OF A FEW MOMENTS RETALIATION.

Good luck.

Sally22_2

Only read this part of the original post and cant believe you have lasted 15 months with this guy! I think you know its wrong and what you have to do. Good luck x

My boyfriend who I will refer to as X has some strange behaviour should I say....It was going fine in the beginning and I did my best to adjust to the strange behaviours as such
1. Do not talk to X in the morning as he needs to think
2. Do not hold his hand or walk next to him when we are out together, I should follow...
3. Do not point at anything when talking to him or hold anything to show him - it's apparently childish behaviour
4. Do not call him darling as it's so cheap and low life
5. He apparently is re-educating me because I'm stupid and because I do not hold any Masters in anything, I should learn to communicate and behave in front of his family, who I will meet one day apparently... ( I take no notice of that one...)

Pollycat

Arose wrote: »

Why not have children with him? He might change

Might be a good idea to use a few smileys to show you're joking.

You are joking, aren't you.....?

If not, your post must take the gold medal for the most ridiculous piece of advice ever posted on MSE.

andydiysaver

I normally post on cars and man stuff but I read this and I really had to post because it's just the complete stereotype playing out, as it has done so many times.


get rid as if your life depends on it.


He was not like this at first and now he's like this, presumably he didn't hit you at first or now, and you think he never will - but follow the logic, the put downs are there you never thought would be, the control is building, which you never saw at first.


Maybe it'll be words for the rest of your life or maybe violence will follow, in any event you will fast be arriving at the point of no return where you think it's your fault for his abuse, I think a lot of them look for that point and have a keen eye for it, - to throw the first punch before then often means she wakes up and leaves him.


I'm a man by the way as my name suggests, I'd never treat my girlfriend like that, our finances are down the middle and we're successful. I have seen what you're describing happen to plenty of women though, and there's really, really, great news here:


the profile of a bully / control freak is not many it is one


they all act in exactly the same way. So they're universally easy to spot, unless of course you're the victim. So people on here can read that and see instantly what you're not sure about. base your decision on "crowd sourcing" don't just take my word for it - take almost every replier here's word for it. I, we, them, see better than you because we're not under control. It's an easier thing for us to call than you because we're not constantly undermined and our opinions are not constantly rubbished.


They act the same way , their psychology is the same. So you can read about it on the internet and know your future before time.


The decision to leave him will be the greatest thing you ever did.


more than that, you will look back in as little as 1 or 2 months and not be able to believe the things you let him say and do to you


Trust me, trust us, we're not with him, we see straighter.