Jealous, upset and no idea what to do

HPoirot

lostinrates wrote: »

Rather tough on the poor boys isn't it hpoirot?

I rue the day I touched a fag for the first time 2 years ago. I had a clean slate before, hard to believe if you saw me puffing away today .

Molly41

My cousin had IVF with a sperm donor. It caused a lot of problems within the relationship as her husband rejected the child, although they are now back together.

I would take issue with his reluctance to marry you until you sort out your health issues - in sickness and in health and all that - he does not sound very committed!

lostinrates

justanopinion wrote: »

Am sorry to hear about your situation Lost. I know I don't have a huge amount of posts, (I'm a reader more than a commenter), but I know your name!

I know I am killing myself. That sounds stark, but I know it's the truth. In the last year I have lost so much hope or zest for most things. I lost my career and a job I adored. (It was very stressful though!)

What do I want to do? Wave a magic wand!!:rotfl::rotfl:

I know that's not going to happen, so I have to work with what I have.

I'm just to the point where I don't trust my own mind. I can leave, move, do whatever, but I always think I should do this, that, whatever.

x

Ok....well of the three choices I gave?

You don't know your mind because you are dodging issues, from yourself too. You are starting with the end issue. That's no good at all.


I am resigned to the kid thing mostly, like I say, there is the initial stab and then the excitement of new babies. I have children I am close to , which helps a lot. You can be the best damn aunt /coolest friend of mum/dad in the world. And we get to sleep all night and have sex in weird places int he house without worrying about kids. In life you win some and you lose some, Unless you queer your own pitch. So, please, please help your self. You can be happy, whatever you decide. But you have to make the decision to see this through, clean your act up.

Fwiw, on money/activity.....I think you should get some routine into your life and some commitment. I think that could be contributing to the profoundly of the emptiness. I know until we sorted that out for me once I was 'invalided' it became a big 'hole' in my life I didn't truly recognise for a while. I still wish I did something more meaning ful tbh!

lika_86

First question to address is whether, if all of the issues were resolved, would your OH want children by another mechanism (adoption etc)? If the answer is no, you need to work out whether you can deal with that or whether you need to (hard as it is) look elsewhere.

Secondly, you need to acknowledge that it would be irresponsible to even think about a child until you have sorted your issues. Without making a child the end goal, you need to channel your emotions into motivation to seek ongoing help, both medical and psychological, with the support of your OH of course.

If he won't talk about it, have you considered counselling as a couple? You both need to be very clear on where you stand on this before you can proceed. He did tell you and make it clear to begin with (which was right) but refusing to discuss ongoing feelings that have changed in you is not helpful.

justanopinion

I have sympathy on the cigarettes, by the way. I stopped smoking for a year, then had to do a round of redundancies. I was doing 8 meetings a day, one after another of people venting at me as the, "rep of the company."

I was back smoking in a week.

I stopped two and a half years back.

Wish I could quit drinking!!

lostinrates

HPoirot wrote: »

I rue the day I touched a fag for the first time 2 years ago. I had a clean slate before, hard to believe if you saw me puffing away today .

Well, same message to you, my dear thing. I remember you talking about the source of stress and options and have thought of it since...my poor DH has dropped weight again suddenly.... Pressure of work. :mad: his 'vice' is the gym for stress and a propensity to not eat mid week.

Person_one

justanopinion wrote: »

Thanks, Quantum. Daft as it sounds, if I stop drinking I cannot deal with the other issues. They terrify me. The idea of being alone, having to make a choice and leave my house, knowing I would break his heart.

Oh this is such a mess.

Bottom line is, if you are dependent on alcohol and your drinking is affecting your life, you need to deal with that. First, only, everything else comes later.

You are ill, you have an illness that means that even if you and your partner both wanted kids tomorrow and were fertile it would be irresponsible and dangerous for you to proceed.

How much are you drinking and how often, if you're completely honest with yourself?

justanopinion

itsanne wrote: »

I'm not unsympathetic to your longing for children, but at the minute you're making excuses for yourself. Your biggest problem is the alcohol but you refuse to see that. Unfortunately you have to want to address that to have any chance of success, and you don'y want to.

If you don't, you won't have any choices to make because they'll be taken from you.

I appreciate that's harsh, but I think in this instance that's what's needed.

I do want to address it, please believe me on that. Yes, the alcohol is a huge problem, but the depression and self-loathing was a good time before that. It's a vile maelstrom.

I am very, very scared at turning my entire existence upside down and still feeling so low that I cannot cope. I want to change things for the better, but I am terrified that if I leave and try and strike out on my own I would feel worse.

Gigglepig

Well done for acknowledging that you have some issues to deal with, that is te first step.

My suggestion would be to not postpone looking for solutions any further. - - Book an appointment with your GP today to get referrals for the alcohol and eating issues.
- Book an appointment with relate for couple's counselling
- find an activity you like or used to enjoy when you were your "old self"and book this as well to help get you feel less lonely (sports team, crafy class, volunteering....?)
- contact a support network for your Oh's condition
- I would also book a haircut and a massage next week to relax and feel your best before christmas, and look after yourself


If Christmas with the in-laws seems unbearable, don't go.

lostinrates

justanopinion wrote: »

He will not consider adoption, donation or anything. He is still deeply affected by the diagnosis. He will admit sometimes that he hates the fact his brother and sister didn't have this condition - he is the eldest. It's Klinefelters, if anyone has any experience. (Yes, I know women cannot have it, but he sees his siblings as both lucky to have a "normal" life, as it were.

His explanation is that he has dealt with it - he won't look at alternatives as, "they won't be mine."

He would be an awesome Dad. That cuts me up even more/

But that is his right to choose. And it is your right to choose otherwise.

The question is if either of you are prepared to choose differently to stay together.

You need to start in the same place, cleaning yourself up. If you become aware that for you its a definite must that the possibility (and its not a definite,but the possibility is a big thing) of children is important, then you tell him you must go and why.