Jealous, upset and no idea what to do

lostinrates

justanopinion wrote: »

Thanks. I guess I am just a bit overwhelmed by everyone having children and now realising and it actually hitting home I won't have that.

.

From experience (I cannot have children, DH and I both wanted them and have decided to stick without rather than perusing other avenues, after having made opposite decisions in the past) you have a choice.

When you hear about a friend/ new family baby you cannot stop the initial stab of ' ouch' and 'it's not fair' whine deep inside, But you can indulge in it or you can accept its sad and move on either to live life or to explore other ways to get your wish (adoption, sperm donor etc etc) or you can even make things worse (which in effect you are doing by drinking, not resolving your problems and not taking care of your body or relationship).

The choice is yours. Which do you want to do?


Good luck. I know as well as any what a place it is to be.

onlyroz

Have you considered IVF with donor sperm?

HPoirot

justanopinion wrote: »

Thanks, Quantum. Daft as it sounds, if I stop drinking I cannot deal with the other issues. They terrify me. The idea of being alone, having to make a choice and leave my house, knowing I would break his heart.

Oh this is such a mess.

It seems so to you at the moment but as Quantum suggested it is the drink that needs to be dealt first, and then everything else.

The reason is that it may be affecting your judgment, making you feel more sorry for yourself or angry than you would be. I have been using fags for the past year to "deal" with my problems too, but I have come to realise that rather than address them, they compound all the problems I already had.

I sympathise with your feeling that if you give it up, you will be left bare for all the other problems to attack you. This is not so, the addiction is simply allowing everything else to overwhelm you. Please try to address the drinking, it will make it easier to tackle the other issues.

pops5588

LJ9982 wrote: »

I understand obviously when you were 22, you weren't considering kids and didn't realise what an issue this would become but he's been open and honest from the start....

This is true, but it does sound to me (and I acknowledge I could be completely wrong) like maybe her OH is unwilling to discuss other options. OP, has he said why he won't consider adopting? I know he told you that he can't have children but did he say to you that he doesn't WANT children? Obviously if this is the case it wouldn't be fair to force him to compromise on that, but it also isn't fair on you to stay when you clearly so want to have children.

If I were in your situation I think the first thing I would do is phone AA. They have a helpline, there are lots of people there who have been there, done it and got the T-Shirt who want to help. It could help to talk it through a bit. The drinking definitely has to be remedied before anything else.

I know it's hard. My mother-in-law is an alcoholic and she just isn't interested in getting the help and has given up. She just laughs when people tell her she's killing herself. I wouldn't want anyone to get to that point, whether they are a friend, foe or stranger. Your life is worth much more than this, I really hope you seek some help.

Also maybe go to your doctor about some counseling? Your opinion of yourself doesn't sound too great. I would say to you that if your OH wanted to leave, he would just leave. He obviously isn't ready to give up on you and is trying to use marriage as a motivation for you to do something! He may not be right for you in the longterm but for now he is there and maybe he wants to help?

lostinrates

HPoirot wrote: »

It seems so to you at the moment but as Quantum suggested it is the drink that needs to be dealt first, and then everything else.

The reason is that it may be affecting your judgment, making you feel more sorry for yourself or angry than you would be. I have been using fags for the past year to "deal" with my problems too, but I have come to realise that rather than address them, they compound all the problems I already had.

Rather tough on the poor boys isn't it hpoirot?

justanopinion

lostinrates wrote: »

From experience (I cannot have children, DH and I both wanted them and have decided to stick without rather than perusing other avenues, after having made opposite decisions in the past) you have a choice.

When you hear about a friend/ new family baby you cannot stop the initial stab of ' ouch' and 'it's not fair' whine deep inside, But you can indulge in it or you can accept its sad and move on either to live life or to explore other ways to get your wish (adoption, sperm donor etc etc) or you can even make things worse (which in effect you are doing by drinking, not resolving your problems and not taking care of your body or relationship).

The choice is yours. Which do you want to do?


Good luck. I know as well as any what a place it is to be.

Am sorry to hear about your situation Lost. I know I don't have a huge amount of posts, (I'm a reader more than a commenter), but I know your name!

I know I am killing myself. That sounds stark, but I know it's the truth. In the last year I have lost so much hope or zest for most things. I lost my career and a job I adored. (It was very stressful though!)

What do I want to do? Wave a magic wand!!:rotfl::rotfl:

I know that's not going to happen, so I have to work with what I have.

I'm just to the point where I don't trust my own mind. I can leave, move, do whatever, but I always think I should do this, that, whatever.

x

lostinrates

pops5588 wrote: »

This is true, but it does sound to me (and I acknowledge I could be completely wrong) like maybe her OH is completely unwilling to discuss other options. OP, has he said why he won't consider adopting? I know he told you that he can't have children but did he say to you that he doesn't WANT children? Obviously if this is the case it wouldn't be fair to force him to compromise on that, but it also isn't fair on you to stay when you clearly so want to have children.

If I were in your situation I think the first thing I would do is phone AA. They have a helpline, there are lots of people there who have been there, done it and got the T-Shirt who want to help. It could help to talk it through a bit. The drinking definitely has to be remedied before anything else.

I know it's hard. My mother-in-law is an alcoholic and she just isn't interested in getting the help and has given up. She just laughs when people tell her she's killing herself. I wouldn't want anyone to get to that point, whether they are a friend, foe or stranger. Your life is worth much more than this, I really hope you seek some help.

Also maybe go to your doctor about some counseling? Your opinion of yourself doesn't sound too great. I would say to you that if your OH wanted to leave, he would just leave. He obviously isn't ready to give up on you and is trying to use marriage as a motivation for you to do something! He may not be right for you in the longterm but for now he is there and maybe he wants to help?

If she is drinking and not taking care of her self he might feel she is not in a place to go down the route of adoption. It is not an easy process. Difficult questions are asked, invasive ones really. OP sounds fragile ATM and being more robust before this was considered would certainly be much better for all concerned.

pops5588

lostinrates wrote: »

If she is drinking and not taking care of her self he might feel she is not in a place to go down the route of adoption. It is not an easy process. Difficult questions are asked, invasive ones really. OP sounds fragile ATM and being more robust before this was considered would certainly be much better for all concerned.

Very true, good point well made. Just wasn't sure from the OP whether it was a case of can't have kids but want them, or can't have kids and now don't want them.

itsanne

I'm not unsympathetic to your longing for children, but at the minute you're making excuses for yourself. Your biggest problem is the alcohol but you refuse to see that. Unfortunately you have to want to address that to have any chance of success, and you don'y want to.

If you don't, you won't have any choices to make because they'll be taken from you.

I appreciate that's harsh, but I think in this instance that's what's needed.

justanopinion

He will not consider adoption, donation or anything. He is still deeply affected by the diagnosis. He will admit sometimes that he hates the fact his brother and sister didn't have this condition - he is the eldest. It's Klinefelters, if anyone has any experience. (Yes, I know women cannot have it, but he sees his siblings as both lucky to have a "normal" life, as it were.

His explanation is that he has dealt with it - he won't look at alternatives as, "they won't be mine."

He would be an awesome Dad. That cuts me up even more/