Jealous, upset and no idea what to do

justanopinion

Situation is this.

I have been with my other half for 9 years since my early 20's. He was very upfront and honest at the start that he was not able to have children and at the time I was more than accepting of this. I had no desire to want to have children at the age of 22!

Fast forward 9 years. I have had a very tough year. I suffer badly from depression and will fully admit I have issues around alcohol and eating. I admitted myself voluntarily to a private clinic. I also negotiated my departure from work and now spend my time primarily at home, eaten up with anger at what I've done to myself.

In the last year, my partner's two siblings have both had children. The most recent was only a week or so ago. He is six year's older than me.

The anger and jealousy is unbearable. Of course I am happy for them, but I am unable to get over how I feel. That it just isn't fair. In my early 30's, my thoughts are turning to family. My partner won't marry me whilst we I have my, "issues," nor will he consider adoption. (We could not have IVF, his condition is genetic).

I feel like I'm at stalemate. I am dreading Christmas and having to be in a house where people are cooing over babies, knowing if I stay with my partner we will never have that. I cannot even bear going to see this new baby at the moment.

But I also love my OH. I just don't know if I can be with him forever more as these feelings are just too strong and I'm drinking them away.

He will not talk about this at all. His opinion seems to be that he told me about it when we first got together and that's it, I should be accepting forever more. But I was young. And now, I am seeing everyone do all the things that appear to be denied to me.

I will probably regret posting this. It's the first post I have made like this ever. But ho hum.

How would you deal or advise me? Because at the moment, I am falling to pieces with a dysfunctional relationship and being destroyed by jealousy and drink.

x

LJ9982

I think personally that you need to deal with your relationship and other issues before you even contemplate the family issue.....

You can't bring kids into the world in this or any other relationship whilst your depression/drinking isn't under control

Once you get this sorted, you could then have a serious chat with your partner about where things are going but you have to make these changes in order to get your relationship back on track first xx

Funky_Bold_Ribena

If you want kids and he can't give them to you then it's a bit of stalemate as you say and it's probably the cause of all your issues.

He isn't the only man in the world. Are you willing to give up the kids to stay with him; is the only question we need to ask?

quantumleap

It seems to me that there are a number of issues going on at the moment. I think if you attempt to deal with them all at the same time then you might struggle to cope.

I'd suggest setting priorities at the moment. The issue with drink is, in my opinion, currently the most serious. You have to concentrate on resolving that before you can move on to the issue with food and with children.

You must try to put everything else to one side whilst you battle the drink issue. Get as much advice and support as you can - perhaps start with your GP. Once you have that under control you can begin to address the other issues in your life.

I wish you well.

justanopinion

Thank you for your comments so far.

It's such a catch 22 with drinking. I drink because it allows me to escape from what I feel. At the same time, it also makes things so much worse as I doubt or question what I feel and then decide, I only thought that because I was drinking.

Oh this is just so hard. I know he is not the only man in the world, but I have been with him for so long and I do honestly love him. He is the only man I have ever been with, as it were... I am not a catch looks or size wise - professionally, I used to have a very well-paid job, I have a degree etc. I don't need to worry about money at the moment, as the company I worked for went through IPO and I made enough to not have to stress whilst I try and sort my thoughts and feelings out.

This is far too much info I guess.

I honestly appreciate anything you wish to comment. I feel so alone and I cannot talk to him as he sees it as he's the one with the problem children wise. I've had problems for many years, but essentially replaced an eating disorder with alcohol as I got older.

justanopinion

quantumleap wrote: »

It seems to me that there are a number of issues going on at the moment. I think if you attempt to deal with them all at the same time then you might struggle to cope.

I'd suggest setting priorities at the moment. The issue with drink is, in my opinion, currently the most serious. You have to concentrate on resolving that before you can move on to the issue with food and with children.

You must try to put everything else to one side whilst you battle the drink issue. Get as much advice and support as you can - perhaps start with your GP. Once you have that under control you can begin to address the other issues in your life.

I wish you well.

Thanks, Quantum. Daft as it sounds, if I stop drinking I cannot deal with the other issues. They terrify me. The idea of being alone, having to make a choice and leave my house, knowing I would break his heart.

Oh this is such a mess.

lee111s

Adopt? Sperm donor?

However don't consider either until your issues are sorted out!

LJ9982

What i think you need to consider is that the issues you have with depression or alcohol are the reason he won't consider taking the relationship further - ie marriage. You really do need to 'sober up' and face these issues head on. I know it's going to be difficult but you need to get yourself sorted before you can consider bringing a child into this world, through whatever means that may be....

Bottom line ref your OH, he cannot have children - so you need to make that decision - you either need to end the relationship or deal with it - as harsh as this may sound.

I understand obviously when you were 22, you weren't considering kids and didn't realise what an issue this would become but he's been open and honest from the start....

lostinrates

It's not kids or him.

But it might be HIS kids or him.


But at the moment it should be no kids at all, because you need to get yourself into a state where you could be the parent you want to be if that's what you want. And the partner you want to be too.

justanopinion

LJ9982 wrote: »

What i think you need to consider is that the issues you have with depression or alcohol are the reason he won't consider taking the relationship further - ie marriage. You really do need to 'sober up' and face these issues head on. I know it's going to be difficult but you need to get yourself sorted before you can consider bringing a child into this world, through whatever means that may be....

Bottom line ref your OH, he cannot have children - so you need to make that decision - you either need to end the relationship or deal with it - as harsh as this may sound.

I understand obviously when you were 22, you weren't considering kids and didn't realise what an issue this would become but he's been open and honest from the start....

Thanks. I guess I am just a bit overwhelmed by everyone having children and now realising and it actually hitting home I won't have that.

He has indeed been honest. He struggled hugely with his diagnosis too - he spent a long period of time before we met in a clinic trying to come to terms with it. (It's a genetic condition that means his body doesn't produce testosterone, KF). It still eats him up, as it were.

We sound a right pair lol. But we're both professionals - nobody would have a clue this was going on.

My thoughts etc are tied to this, but also independent of the children thing.

carolineb23

You have my sympathies op, it must be a very difficult time for you as there are new babies in the family so you are going to be feeling raw about it. Did your OH tell you back in the beginning that he didn't want children at all? Or just that he couldn't have them? As they are not the same thing and if you thought there would be other options in the future which you are now finding out aren't open to you it must be a very big shock. If this subject wasn't broached back in the beginning, I can completely understand you feeling very upset.
Having said all that, if you know deep down that neither of you will change it is going to be a sad case of accept it and live with it, or end the relationship.
I wish you happiness in the future.