Rebuilding Trust...

MrsDrink

Waney_B wrote: »

Imagine, a single married housewife sat at home on an evening with not a lot to do, you meet some guy who is younger and seems to be funny. **** You get his number but nothing happens. The next day you text him to find out how his hangover was, an it progresses into flirting. Then moves on etc.

*** You remember you're married and the rest doesn't follow. I'm sorry but you're making excuses for her (or repeating her excuses).

Waney_B wrote: »

So..is it my fault...No...but I am a contributing factor to it.. and I fully understand what happened as I have done it to married women when I was younger/single too.

Whilst I agree a relationship takes two people, and therefore some of this does come down to your role in that relationship; I think you're being overly hard on yourself and overly forgiving of her. I'm not saying get rid of her (yet), but I would be standing up to her all the same and not letting her turn all (or most) of the blame onto me.

FBaby

Whilst I agree a relationship takes two people, and therefore some of this does come down to your role in that relationship; I think you're being overly hard on yourself and overly forgiving of her. I'm not saying get rid of her (yet), but I would be standing up to her all the same and not letting her turn all (or most) of the blame onto me.

This is exactly why I said anger would help. I don't mean spitting angry, but mentally angry so that the above wouldn't take place. I don't see any good happening from OP convincing himself that he is in the wrong and that what she did was inevitable. It does very much sounds like this is what she is trying to convince him of and his fears of losing her is leading him to go with it. OP, you seem so eager to trust her that you allow yourself to trust everything she is telling you without putting it into perspective and allowing yourself to consider whether she might have been using the situation of you being away to have her cake and eat it.

Waney_B

Hello all,

I should start a new thread but I thought I would come back and reply to you all.

Its been a week today since I found out the good or bad news. We have talked about things etc in great depth. I really don't know what to do right now, my head is in so many places. I have 1-2 good days, then 1 really bad day.

I gather that Friday in her head it was over between us. She had found something more interesting, someone who cared for her, listened to her etc. Unfortunately for her, this was short lived until point of Orgasm as no contact was made from him afterwards.

Now, I have answers to find inside me..

Does she really love me.? As this is not an act of love.
Did she really regret it afterwards? Why not tell me Asap?
Did she tell me because she wanted too, or because she was caught out? I was closing in on her, the last proof was the SatNav Postcode.
Is she still with me as she is scared she wont find anyone else?
Am I better off separating and starting again?

kelpie35

Waney_B wrote: »

Hello all,

I should start a new thread but I thought I would come back and reply to you all.

Its been a week today since I found out the good or bad news. We have talked about things etc in great depth. I really don't know what to do right now, my head is in so many places. I have 1-2 good days, then 1 really bad day.

I gather that Friday in her head it was over between us. She had found something more interesting, someone who cared for her, listened to her etc. Unfortunately for her, this was short lived until point of Orgasm as no contact was made from him afterwards.

Now, I have answers to find inside me..

Does she really love me.? As this is not an act of love.
Did she really regret it afterwards? Why not tell me Asap?
Did she tell me because she wanted too, or because she was caught out? I was closing in on her, the last proof was the SatNav Postcode.
Is she still with me as she is scared she wont find anyone else?
Am I better off separating and starting again?

I am so sorry for what has happened. :sad:

Can I ask, where does your children fit into any decisions taken?

Are you still working away from home?

opinions4u

Waney_B wrote: »

Its been a week today since I found out the good or bad news. We have talked about things etc in great depth. I really don't know what to do right now, my head is in so many places. I have 1-2 good days, then 1 really bad day.

The good news is I believe that's normal. While I lack sympathy for her, she'll be a mess too with the added impact of guilt.

Does she really love me.? As this is not an act of love.

Have you asked her? Do her actions suggest she does?

An affair is an addiction. Keep your wits about you. You may yet have to endure the other relationship being over, then stopping again. And remaining hidden from you.

Did she really regret it afterwards?

There are some questions you might never find an answer for. She might not know the answer herself.

Why not tell me Asap?

Because she doesn't want to hurt you. Because she wants the best of both worlds. Because she's not decided to leave the relationship with you. Because she's selfish.

Did she tell me because she wanted too, or because she was caught out?

The latter.

Is she still with me as she is scared she wont find anyone else?

She's proved she can find someone else. So that's not the reason.

Am I better off separating and starting again?

You might be. Or, listen to her and you might find a change of job would improve things. Or taking up a new hobby together. Or a dozen other minor changes.

You will probably regret not trying to fix things. You're relationship with your kids will change.

- get in to joint counselling now (your employer may have free options, if not try Relate)
- get in to sole counselling
- try to avoid blame
- listen to what she says
- but make sure your feelings are clearly expressed

Has she broken ALL contact? Do you have access and passwords for all electronic devices? Is she making an effort to clearly explain her movements?

Start with these things. Give it a few months. There are two good outcomes:

1. A better relationship.
2. A better understanding of why things failed, freeing you to move on.

Don't just try to co-exist and fix it yourself. It won't work. Get outside help.

FBaby

Does she really love me.? As this is not an act of love.
Did she really regret it afterwards? Why not tell me Asap?
Did she tell me because she wanted too, or because she was caught out? I was closing in on her, the last proof was the SatNav Postcode.
Is she still with me as she is scared she wont find anyone else?
Am I better off separating and starting again?

All those are indeed the questions that you should be asking, so I'm pleased to read you have moved on in that perspective. No-one can answer these for you with certainty, and neither will yourself even be 100%, but you will be able to weigh the probabilities and make a decision on this basis. Where you ended up will let you know whether you yourself still love her (it can be amazing how we can think we love someone because we are scared of the alternative, but one day realise there is nothing left to love) and whether you can learn to trust her again, or want to.

It must be a terrible time for you, so much anguish, questions, fears, but remember that time will be your best friend. Time will guide you so that one day, you will wake up and know what is the right thing to do whether it is to stay or to go and start again. However, do remember that the depth of the despair you might be feeling now is not correlated to your ability to move on and find happiness again, even if it feels like it. Many people feel like dying when it happens to them to turn their lives around to be 100% time happier afterwards and feel almost grateful that it did happen in the first place.

Waney_B

Thanks for the replies.

I have asked -

Why did it happen? and What do I need to change for it not to happen again?

Everything that has been written here, I read and take in. Both good and bad comments.

Thanks all.

FBaby

Why did it happen? and What do I need to change for it not to happen again?

And that is indeed a valuable question to ask yourself too, just not if it is the only one you are focussing on.

Have you asked her that question too? If so, what has been her reply?

Waney_B

FBaby,

The overall feeling of being unloved, not paid any complements etc. No "I love you" complements through the previous years, lack of communication and just existing as a couple. The unresolved arguments that were brushed under the carpet. Bedroom stuff even though it was frequent you could say it was without passion/stale, more of a chore. I would moan daily about stuff..cash, the house, unnecessary thing. No compliments, negative comments on how things would fail...lack of positive thoughts.. (several college courses failed etc)..

Since the day, we have spoken more. I've told her how I feel, and how I have felt in the past. Even hidden secrets that I have thought over the years, about events etc.

In response, she has told me everything (well I always doubt it if it is the full truth), we have discussed things over the years and how we felt. Overall I am more passionate, complementary as I should have been years ago.

Electronic Devices - We have a thing where we know each others passwords etc. This relationship started through text messages/whatsapp chats which cannot be monitored through the internet. I did not get to see the text messages, nor the WhatsApp chats. It would be nice to have had a look and see what was exactly said etc for final closure, it seems that its the missing piece of the Jigsaw. I have questions like.."did she really regret it? who ended it? etc..things which just ponder in the back of mind however she says she regretted it immediately after the event...

Maybe in her eyes we were over on the Friday before the event, and she could not face me to tell me that we were over. Then after the event, she regretted it. We had a chat on the Sunday and she said she wanted to tell me then, but did not want to tell me in fear of losing me.

There are lots of grey "What if" areas, today has been a good day. I have good and bad days, when its bad its bad...

We have some counceiling sessions booked in for the future, I hope they will help but its nice to come here and vent a little bit about how I am feeling. I read all of the replies, though don't act on everyone. There have been some good comments, which I can relate too..

I have a few weeks before I am fully back in the UK, so that's a bit of time to reflect on what the future holds. I have thought about NOT moving back into the house when I return, then maybe as a lodger/flat/bedsit somewhere for the short term and see the wife on weekends etc. I cant see how this is any different if I have no trust at all...

My wife tells me she regrets it, loves me, wants to stay with me, tells me that i have changed for the good, never wants it to happen again etc..

Im just whaffling now, so im going to cut this post short.

gt568

You are a sucker dude. She'll be piping someone else in no time....

I feel for you.