Rebuilding Trust...

marisco_2

Waney_B wrote: »

She did tell me, and I did promise we would be okay if I was told the truth.

I am very sorry for all you are facing. If it is truly what you want then I wish you all the best in trying to work through this awful situation with your wife.

To be honest you are way stronger than me. I would find it impossible to ever trust someone again who lied to and betrayed me, phoned me and wished me a 'Happy Anniversary' whilst in bed with someone else, and then took three attempts to actually admit what they had been up to when confronted about what had been going on!

Those are not the actions of someone who has any concept of what it means to be honest, truthful or to behave with integrity and show respect, to the one person who should mean more to them than anyone else.

Waney_B

Well I am a man of my word, and if you have no word then why bother.

It took a lot of effort to get the truth out of her, but it came eventually and I did not have to sqeeze her to get it out. It came out in dribs and drabs which built the truth on levels, plus I found out the guys name and sent him a message.

He confirmed the story, so both sides were talking at the same time which gave the full picture. She regrets what she has done, its behind us now and we have to decide what to do.

I have 6 months to file for divorce for adultery, so I have some playing time here. I want to work it out, I am not to blame here but its the first time its happened.

I thought something happened 4 weeks ago, and I accepted it and moved on. I was then lead to believe it was me with the problem, which caused some stress issues with me (lack of sleep etc, aniexty). I have vented my fury on how this went, and it was me who was thinking I had an issue when she was lying to me.

Imagine, a single married housewife sat at home on an evening with not a lot to do, you meet some guy who is younger and seems to be funny. You get his number but nothing happens. The next day you text him to find out how his hangover was, an it progresses into flirting. Then moves on etc.

Maybe she wanted to be caught, maybe she left the location on for a reason. Maybe it was a plea for attention.

Over the past 7 years, our affection has dwindled over the years, and I told her I loved her after this event for the first time in a few years.

So..is it my fault...No...but I am a contributing factor to it.. and I fully understand what happened as I have done it to married women when I was younger/single too.

Sorry,

rpc

Waney_B wrote: »

We can work through this, its going to be hard...but we have 3 children and first slip up in 6 years.

All credit to you if you can get through this, but this was more than a slip up.

They booked a hotel in advance. She bought condoms on her way there.

She made arrangements to meet another man, intending to have sex with him, while you were out of the country. In their post-coital glow, she was sending you texts. This isn't a drunken one night stand (which isn't acceptable either).

This is premeditated adultery and don't treat it as anything else. Otherwise, you won't really be over it - you will have "got over" a lie.

Desperado99

ah bless ya.....


I guess from here you need to BOTH decide if you want your marriage to continue. I say that because I wouldn't want you to be strung along only for her to decide it's not what she wants a little down the line.


It concerns me that she tried to put it all on you, that is unfair and it caused you hurt...... that isn't the action of someone who loves you.


I would like to say that you maybe need to rethink your work situation as I personally wouldn't be happy working away thinking about what my spouse might be getting up to.......... but I also wouldn't throw away a career for someone who has already cheated on me...... so lots for you to think about. (Also, my dad worked away mon-fri for 30 years and my parents had a very happy marriage so it's not a given that people cheat in that situation, it just makes it easier).


I wish you the best of luck with your choices over the next few months.

FBaby

It took a lot of effort to get the truth out of her, but it came eventually and I did not have to sqeeze her to get it out. It came out in dribs and drabs which built the truth on levels, plus I found out the guys name and sent him a message.

She told you the truth when it got to the point where she couldn't possibly lie any longer without making a complete fool of herself. She didn't confess, she got caught out, that's two very different things. How you consider this to help build trust, i don't know.

I am all for couples to rebuild their relationship after an affair as I agree that very often, there are issues that lead to one of them having an affair and if these issues can be resolved, it can make the couple stronger. However, I am not sure your attitude to it all is the way to go. You don't seem to be feeling much anger, just plenty of hurt. You seem to consider that it is not so bad because it is the first time. You seem more determined of making sure she stays with you than to try to work out why she did it so that it can be fixed.

I think anger (as long as control) is an essential part of getting through an affair. If she believes that she can get away with it so easily and the problems are not resolved, what will stop her going for it again and then come back crying for forgiveness. And what good will that do for your self-esteem. I think you would be much better separating, and then slowing trying to sort issues out as a separate couple until you can both feel confident that you can start again afresh.

justme111

Well , if the reasons for their deteriorating relationship are still there it does not matter whether she cheats again or not as relationship would be doomed anyway. I do not see why op being angry is necessary either , I think I would react very much similar to him - if one can bypass anger stage its great. I do not think I would been angry either. He given his word that her admission would mot change things and I commend him on sticking to it. I think he is very right in not seeing her sleepi.g with someone else as a main issue but as a symptom of relationship going wrong. All you blami.g folk - don't forget she told him it was going nowhere , she did not pretend all was good . So casting stones is nit appropriate in my opinion. Ok , she did not admit to it straight away - but it would require someone very brave and most of us are not . Good luck with sorti.g it , op. And well done in not letting your wounded ego to dictate your actions and feelings , takes a strong one for that x .

FBaby

The reason I said he would be better off angry is that I feel that at the moment, it is fear that makes him act and forget her lies and deceit. She only admitted to the affair once she got caught with no further way out of lying any longer rather than doing so because she realised that what she wasn't doing was wrong and not helping in anyway to sort out her marriage.

Mrs X had a "I don't think were going to work" chat with me whilst I was away from home, stuck overseas with no way of getting back

The fact that OP works away makes it even worse. He seems so overly trusting, to the point of naivity that he still was prepared to believe her despite all the facts staring at him. I just hope that the way she has been described here is not representative of the person she truly is as otherwise, I can't see how OP could actually trust her again so early after the deceit.

random1980s

realistically, she'll cheat again in my opinion. I would get out and find a younger/better model

DigForVictory

As a total outsider I was set to post that I could see how everything *could* have an innocent spin - up until she confessed.
Now, I want to clock her for living down to every negative expectation.
If you can work in the UK for a decade or two & get couples counselling, this might be soemthing you could recover from, but it is absolutely up to you both.

geoffky

As someone who spent years and years working away from home..
I will say that once that trust has gone that you really need to keep your head sane while working away from home then i am afraid it is game over for you unless you want to end up tormented.
Good luck..