Rebuilding Trust...

Waney_B

Maybe this thread was a vent, I have no one else to talk to about this stuff, as its always... "Snakes with T*Ts" replies from those who are divorced, and those who are not just say it does not sound good.

I guess I fear the known, i've always been a dweller.

lushlifesaver

Just to throw in a slightly more reasonable response;

Facebook chat location can be wrong; mine has previously placed me in several American states (I've never been further from the UK than Germany/Belgium), Mexico, Spain and Iceland.
From what I gather it can vary based on various technological/satellite-y interactions (as you can tell I am in no way tech minded so don't get that bit but its the same where I work; we can see where our e-shots are opened and it had our chief exec in the next office down as having opened one in cancun)

If everything else seems good then trust her responses, you are basing all of your suspicions on Fb which is neither healthy or appropriate considering you only have the info based on a bit of cyber sneaking

As for the Ann Summers gear; if she usually shops there then I wouldn't worry regardless of whether or not you've seen what she's been getting. Whose to say she isn't building up a little (nice) surprise for you?

Waney_B

I hope there is a surprise...

This thread has helped. Thanks all.

tayforth

Waney_B wrote: »

Maybe this thread was a vent, I have no one else to talk to about this stuff, as its always... "Snakes with T*Ts" replies from those who are divorced, and those who are not just say it does not sound good.

I guess I fear the known, i've always been a dweller.

Er, what????

CRANKY40

If the visit to her mates was cancelled, why did she need to buy more fuel to go to the airport? Surely the fuel tank should have been full if she only went out in your local town?

paulineb_2

I'm not divorced btw. You can't call a persons response by their marital status. My point was why were you looking at her financial transactions.

marisco_2

Waney_B wrote: »

How do I move on from this?

There are two ways to move forward from where you are at right now. One is to continue to tiptoe round the current issues and problems that you have in your relationship. Telling yourself that you can believe nothing has happened, then keep facing moments of anguish and worry where you question the stability of your marriage. To the degree that you come on a forum and ask people their view on what is going on hoping for reassurance.

The other more positive way forward would be to have a completely frank and open conversation with your wife. No holes barred. Get everything out into the open. If at the end of it you haven't regained total trust in her, and feel fully confident in your marriage and what it stands for, then you have some very difficult choices to make. Been there and done it myself. It is the only way you will ever get peace of mind.

FBaby

I find she is friends with a single man, younger than her in this town she is supposed to be staying at

I'm confused, do you mean by 'the town she is supposed to be staying out' this place 100 miles away, or the place where she is supposed to be with her friends?

If it is the place 100 miles away, then I think you are totally deluding yourself not seeing what is so obvious. What is the likelihood that facebook would show her to be somewhere she's never been that just happens to be the place this guys is from... add the Holiday Inn location (yep, he is clearly married himself...), the Ann Summers (do people really go out to buy bras just before going out with girl-friends, add the fuel, and more importantly....that all this happens just the day after she has told you that she didn't think your relationship was going anywhere.... what more do you need as evidence that she is up to no good?

What I don't get is how long ago has this happened? Are you saying that despite all the above, you decided to close your eyes and pretend that all was fine until you caught her again? How long afterwards was that?

Sorry OP, I feel for you, finding out about an affair in these circumstances is devastating, but do you truly still believe her? The only thing you are losing is her...

Cottage_Economy

The only way i've ever known how to move on is to just say a quiet 'enough' to myself and to do so.

If you two have talked about things and sorted everything out between you, to keep going back will end up destroying the relationship.

You make a conscious decision that all the stuff going on in your head stops from this day forward. Don't bring it up ever again, especially if you argue, bite your tongue if a snarky comment wants to pop out about it, and if you catch yourself thinking about it be strong and stop yourself. Then get busy making plans for the future that don't have this hanging over your head. If you both agreed to do certain actions in the future, like telling each other how you feel more often or having a date night every week, stick to your end of the bargain and do that.

Sometimes i think there is too much endless talking over problems in relationships. Sometimes you just have to stop chewing over things and take action to make the good things happen again.

opinions4u

Too many coincidences. Too many behaviours that are nothing to do with you. If she's not having it away with him she's involved on an emotional level, which is just as bad. If you think I'm wrong, consider the following:

Will she show you the full Facebook chat with this guy? Or is it regularly deleted?

Will she give you unhindered access to her phone, iPad, laptop, email passwords, social networking etc? (you offer the same in reverse)

Would she be prepared to block this other chap from all modes of communication and convince you that she's done so?

Does she have any interest in you?

Are you both prepared to get into relationship counselling and be absolutely totally honest with each other?

The answers to these questions will help you understand the position.

Unless you catch her in the act, she will deny. She will dream up plausible reasons for the whats and whys of her life. She will convince you that you're going mad. Or it will fester. Forever.

You know the truth. Trust your gut instinct. Then decide if you want to fix things or not. I don't envy you.