Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

Prothet_of_Doom

Poor mum.

Lock backdoor when making love.

She's hardly likely to kick the backdoor in is she ?

paddy's_mum

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

at first not too much of a problem

a few weeks ago there was a fire at my Mum's flat...quite stressful for my Mum

we..arrange...to take her out to the cinema or for a meal but each time she has cancelled at the last moment

tonight..she let herself in unannounced and this time I was quite annoyed

She got very upset..saying that she did not realise she needed to make an appointment to visit her own daughter

she is very stressed and unhappy with the problems with her flat and living at my sisters

What would you have done in a similar situation?

Honestly? I would have cut her many yards of slack!

I think you have been less than fair in the run-up to tonight's situation. By your own comment (above) you preferred not to say anything. Can you see that you almost allowed her to believe that she could nip round without asking permission? 6.30 pm is hardly late-at-night, outrageous timing, is it? She has been able (one could say almost invited) to gain entry simply by opening the door so what would make her believe that tonight was different?

The house fire business is a highly important matter, in my view. It will have been a frightening, dislocating, threatening affair whether or not she was in the property at the time. I understand that many people go on to suffer stress disorders afterwards, as indeed I did myself. Has it occurred to you that there might be a reason why she pulled out of the cinema arrangements? Why do you think she did so?

Was she being lazy, careless or unappreciative or do you think she might have just felt too overwhelmed to paste on a happy face and be cheerful when she in fact felt like death warmed up? Has it occurred to you that your "moody" sister might have been throwing a strop and made your mum feel that she didn't dare rock the boat by going out?

I also think that you having her cat is yet another magnet for her, a very powerful one when you have already lost a great deal that is very important to you - such as home, belongings, sanctuary, autonomy, safety, peace of mind...

I think the earlier suggestions by Make-it-3 (post 45) andeasilydistracted (post 46) about inviting your mother round are good ones as it would be awful for you both if a tiny little tiff was allowed to evolve into a huge unhappiness when clearly you love each other.

I do understand your viewpoint about privacy and intimate time with your partner - very much so. However, I'd also ask if it's fair on your mother to expect her to read signals that aren't there (your previous silence and an unlocked door) unless you are expecting her to brush up on her mind-reading skills?

Hope it all gets sorted out without any more tears.

pollypenny

Mothers can't do right for doing wrong it seems.

We have a key to DD's place for security and for OH to do various jobs for her. She had a key to our place.

We do ring before visiting as she lives an hour away.

In OP 's case, simple answer, as others say, lock the damn door!

paulineb_2

HPoirot wrote: »

Glad your mum has your sister to fall back on OP. It mut be a distressing enough time to have no home to go to. Not sure of the point of the titbits of information where all you seem to be doing is finding fault with either or both of them, which have no bearing to the incident. Is it to justify yourself in continuing to live dangerously, being at it with the back door open?

I agree as well. What relevance has it to this thread whether the mum read the daughters diary at 19 or not? Seriously, she walks in on you once, you lock the back door after that and she and no one else will ever walk in on you and your bf having sex.

lazer

My mum has a key to my house, i have a key to theirs,

She is welcome in my house anytime, and vice versa.

If mw and my husband are "busy" then the door will be locked, and witht he key in the lock so it can't be opened from the outside.

My family actually never ring when coming to visit, we all live locally, and if they aren't in then so be it, but I feel that if you ring someone before visiting you are suggesting that they should tidy up and have somethign in the hosue for tea or whateer, calling in unexpectantly means there is no pressure.

lostinrates

I think at this particular time the mother needs some slack.

However, op also mentions its hard for partner and her to find times to be intimate, that , while not the same as the sudden shock of a house fire, can become a very damaging chronic stressor. I think they deserve some slack too.


I'm one of those people who prefers people to call before coming over, but also have to balance that with needs of clients who use my house for the loo. However, our rules are we know (roughly) when that might be. For example, I am aware there might be people using the loo any time between ten and three today.

We also have a parent who lives with us (though not all the time). We have rules.....if we are upstairs just don't come looking for us to ask us about the status quo of the washing machine......just use it! Like op, our opportunities for intimacy are limited and if we get opportunity and inclination we take it.

LannieDuck

My opinion - your Mum's being totally unreasonable. Of course she shouldn't just walk into your house. What if you have plans for the evening, or have friends over, or are cooking a complicated meal. Would she expect to stay for food if it's just being served up? Even if you just wanted a quiet night, by arriving unexpectedly, she's putting her 'wants' above yours in your own home.

It's not as if you've been neglecting her. You've offered times that are convenient to you, and she's chosen to reject them. That's fine, but she can't then impose times that are convenient to her, and not give you the option of rejecting them.

My PILs let themselves into our flat once when we weren't there when I started living with OH. I was very put out... although mostly because they criticised the dirty plates we'd left on the table! They haven't done it again, and if they did I'd have to say something.

OP, I would have said something to your Mum the first time she did it. By letting it go on, you've given her the message that it's ok.

I think if I lived close to my relatives (so that popping around was easy to do) I would compromise and say it's ok to come knock on the door without prior warning to see if we're in. That way we'd have the choice if we wanted guests that evening or not. But just letting yourself in? No.

DigForVictory

You are in the right, but she's in a rotten place at the moment.

You clearly are close to her - this time, forgive as I'm pretty sure she's learned! Maybe invite her to stay a few days, even? Give the dynamic between her & sis a rest, take time to enjoy each other's company a bit?

And in the name of all you hold dear, please lock the ground floor doors when you're upstairs? As I'd hate to explain to my house insurance that I was home at the time, just distracted.

System

She's in a bad place right now, cut her some slack.

heartbreak_star

My family have always been of the "call before you come round" variety but that's because we're all busy people - I have gym and various other hobbies, Dad had photography and gardening clubs, Mum has dog-walking and spiritualist church, Nan had church and would often be nattering at her friends' house.

So the chances of "nipping round" and finding the person you want available are always minimal

Now it's just me and Mum, and we live a 30-minute drive from each other so it's even more important to call ahead

HBS x