Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

itsanne

Back door unlocked, "interrupted" three times :eek:?

Why on earth did you not think to lock the door after the first time? Problem solved .

Rev

I seem to be in the minority but I'd be utterly mortified if my mum felt the need to let me know/ask if she was popping over.

When my mum was alive, had I had my own place (I was her carer so lived with her) she'd have had a key and would have been welcome to come and go as she pleased.

My best friend and one of my auntys have a key to my house now and is be really insulted if they asked of they could come over. My friend will txt 'are you in I'm on my way'. She lets herself in when she arrives.

I find it strange you ask your mother to check she's okay to visit you.

HPoirot

Glad your mum has your sister to fall back on OP. It mut be a distressing enough time to have no home to go to. Not sure of the point of the titbits of information where all you seem to be doing is finding fault with either or both of them, which have no bearing to the incident. Is it to justify yourself in continuing to live dangerously, being at it with the back door open?

Make-it-3

As others have said, locking back door is common sense and solves your problem.

But it needs to work both ways, so don't just 'pop over' to your mums in future either if you want to be accorded the same respect.

But a bit more sympathy for your mum at this time of upheaval, she has nowhere of her own, obviously feels uncomfortable at your sisters and missing her cat which IS staying at your house.

Can you give a peace offering by asking her to stay with you for a few days?

easilydistracted

Some Mum's just don't get this one. My mother in law needed repeatedly telling that she couldn't come to stay without notice and we fell out over it. She just doesn't get it, so it could be worse: she's not trying to move in for extended periods!

I also can't believe that once interupting an intimate moment the first time was enough to put her off. So lock the door and let her know if it's not convenient. However it appears she likes visiting your home rather than going out and now feels unwelcome coming round. I would invite her round for a planned meal. I feel rather sorry for her, even though she is also being totally unreasonable.

This_Year

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

she would come into my room without knocking, look through my drawers, even read my diary.

I would have made sure it was worth her time reading it, then!
50 shades of grey? That would have been like Jackanory in comparison. :rotfl:

New_and_Improved_Me

Rev wrote: »

I seem to be in the minority but I'd be utterly mortified if my mum felt the need to let me know/ask if she was popping over.

When my mum was alive, had I had my own place (I was her carer so lived with her) she'd have had a key and would have been welcome to come and go as she pleased.

My best friend and one of my auntys have a key to my house now and is be really insulted if they asked of they could come over. My friend will txt 'are you in I'm on my way'. She lets herself in when she arrives.

I find it strange you ask your mother to check she's okay to visit you.

No you’re NOT…

Many Many ‘Families’ are like this…

Including mine…Admittedly, my mum has not got a key to my house…but that’s only because she lives in a different town about 30 minutes by car.

But if she or any of my immediate family turn up un-announced it a pleasure to have them for a few hours…..

We live close to my in-laws and we are always in and out of their house and have keys too..

aileth

If mine did turn up unannounced, especially the in-laws, it would make me a nervous wreck. I'm very funny about the house being spotless when people visit, it's normally pretty clean but I need to get it a different, higher level of clean before people visit. The neurotic-ness is probably due to the fact that I've had MIL complaining about how 'filthy' it was when she's come before so I literally spend 3 hours cleaning before any of them visit. I'd have palpitations if she rocked up on a Sunday morning while I'm still in my jammies and there's an unwashed plate of toast (god forbid) by the sink.

jetplane

We leave our back door unlocked and family and friends will knock and enter, it is alarmed so you can hear it open. However we always lock it during any times we don't want to be disturbed for whatever reason, we don't answer the phone either and wouldn't dream of shagging with the door unlocked :eek:

I would have locked it after the first time and then you have a choice whether to answer. I have had friends come and knock on our patio window if we haven't answered the door but just said that I was in the bath or asleep when they called.

I would be very upset if my daughter said I had to ring before hand but actually I very rarely drop in without notice but that's just to save me a trip. I have keys to her house but would only use them in an emergency or with her permission, I have to respect her privacy.

Having said that she doesn't seem to think we need privacy, she has rang our house phone and mobiles constantly till one of us answered thinking it was an emergency and she just said hmff I'm outside why's your door locked :rotfl:

OP maybe your mother assumed that because the doors unlocked then she is welcome, I would, and if I walked in on my daughter doing the business I would probably tell her off for not locking her door

Your mother needs some respite from your sister and I think you need to take some of the blame for not locking your door especially after the first time but definitely after the second. Hopefully you mother will ring you soon, check the coast is clear and call round, but I would make her very welcome and be wary of telling her you're too busy the first time she does.

duchy

Yep cos sex is only for the young after all !! :rotfl: :rotfl:
YOU were mortified..... not your Mum...sounds like she has fewer hang ups about sex then you do
So your Mum locks the door if she is busy but you don't ? Despite your mortifying experience ?

Sorry but I don't think you;ve thought things through as to what message you've being giving her. I feel a bit sorry for her -she's in a tense situation at the daughter's she's having to stay with .....and is now made to feel unwelcome when she (in her mind) pops in to the other..... If you'd just taken the simple step of locking the door (which is a sensible precaution even without a popping in mother/neighbour/friend ....you leaving it open is giving the wrong message). Knowing your Mum was nosey in the past (my Mum read my diary when I lived at home too) ..... there's a world of difference between entering through an unlocked door and rifling through private put away documents though -why would you routinely leave the back door open. It makes little sense from either a privacy or security viewpoint -especially when you've already had someone come in breeching your privacy. The adult thing to do would be to lock the door rather than allow things to escalate to the point you have sharp words with your Mum when she's probably already feeling very low due to her living arrangements.

Yes I do think unfair is a reasonable comment. A lot of this situation was avoidable -simply by locking a door that should be kept locked anyway in most people's eyes. (I leave mine unlocked sometimes in summer -not a lot of point in winter) but only because there is no rear access to the house-if there was I'd be a lot more careful).

Put it another way -If a burgler walked in the back door and robbed you...you'd be more careful about locking the door .........so if a Mother walked in the door and surprised you.....why would you continue to leave the door unlocked ?

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

She is a single older lady so I would be rather surprised! But that aside, her front door is usually locked if she is busy, asleep etc. We always knock and wait anyway rather than just walking in.

In the past when I was younger (about 19 I think), still living at home and she had a partner I did make the mistake of rushing into her room when looking for something she had borrowed and disturbed them together. I didn't know they were home and was utterly mortified as you would expect! Ever since I have been careful to respect her private space and had hoped she would be the same. It didn't really happen that way though - she would come into my room without knocking, look through my drawers, even read my diary. I suppose I thought things would be different once I was older and living in my own home but she is quite set in her ways I suppose!