Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

TinyToes

maybe just me but i would never dream of leaving the door unlocked while being intimate with my husband. in my family we all just walk into each others houses, never even think to knock. we do often phone to say we are on our way but not always, if they are not in or busy then its no issue to leave, often pop in if passing etc.

it could have been a sneak in thief gaining entry, think yourself lucky it was your mum.

paulineb_2

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

I forgot to say, she doesn't have a key - she is letting herself in through the back door which we leave unlocked when we are home. Perhaps this is foolish of us but then we are not used to having unexpected people simply walk in on us! Luckily tonight we were upstairs when she arrived so out of sight, but she could have easily walked in on us in the living room. My feeling is that we shouldn't have to lock the doors to our own home just in case somebody walks into our house unexpectedly. Not only that, but when she does arrive out of the blue it is still frustrating for us to have to stop mid-act if you know what I mean.

I agree with everyone else who has posted, unless you live in an area thats extremely safe and I do know people who live in places where they dont lock their doors, lock your door. For your own safetys sake, you dont know how many people do get burgled by people just trying doors to see if they are unlocked, I would suspect a fair few.

I have an intercom system in my flat so when its on privacy no one can get in. My mum does have a key to my flat, but she wouldnt use it unless I knew she was coming over, she needs to use a fob to let her in the security entrance.

I dont think you dont have much to complain about if you have your door unlocked all the time, but Id certainly rather my mum walking in my house than some stranger.

*max*

Time to lock the back door!

Yes, she's your mum and yes, she's going through a difficult time, but it's absolutely no reason to let herself in to your house unanounced! I would be very annoyed too, you have every reason to be. She is being rude.

I understand the guilt you're feeling at having to say no to your own mother. But you shouldn't even have to! She has to understand she simply can't do that and needs to ring first, mum or not.

Edit: Mmmh. Just seen that you do "pop in" unanounced to her house! You need to stop doing that - double standards a bit. Although I still think she's out of order just walking in!

Mankysteve

I wouldn't object to her coming around but a knocking on the door before hand with fore warning(as long as she know that no reply to leave you alone/ your not in) Just letting herself in to your house is just plane rude and always not the done thing.

meritaten

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

She lives in the town centre so we visit her if we are going into town. I text or call her to see if she is home and if it is alright to visit, although if I do need to pop in unexpectedly, it is literally a 'pop in' - 2 minutes to say hello, do what is needed (collect post for example) then a kiss goodbye and we are gone. We don't show up for visits without checking first.

so YOU pop in! on occasion, but I don't get that 'visits' need an invitation? I am confused here. it seems it is ok for you to pop in unexpectedly as in your mind its to 'do what is needed'. yet mum cant? double standards to my mind. its ok for you - not ok for mum. yet you leave doors unlocked and anyone minded to can 'walk in'! I think you need to think more about your home security - as well as your attitude to your mum.

GeckoGirl1985

Thank you to everyone who has replied - Yes I understand now that it has been naive of us to leave the back door unlocked. We have a quite open planned house and you can definitely hear whenever someone comes in as we have a large stained-glass suncatcher hanging on it that rattles loudly whenever it is opened (thank goodness - that is how we knew she had come into the house this evening, giving us a moment to quickly throw our clothes on!) so it is unlikely that someone would be able to enter the house without us knowing. But I do understand what you are all saying and we will make a habit of keeping the door locked from now on.

bossymoo

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

I forgot to say, she doesn't have a key - she is letting herself in through the back door which we leave unlocked when we are home. Perhaps this is foolish of us but then we are not used to having unexpected people simply walk in on us! Luckily tonight we were upstairs when she arrived so out of sight, but she could have easily walked in on us in the living room. My feeling is that we shouldn't have to lock the doors to our own home just in case somebody walks into our house unexpectedly. Not only that, but when she does arrive out of the blue it is still frustrating for us to have to stop mid-act if you know what I mean.

Lock the door! You don't have to answer you wouldn't answer the phone, would you?

I don't think you're being unfair, just be sure you don't "just turn up" at hers too.

paulineb_2

Also, your mum isnt psychic, shes not going to know when you are going to be having sex, you said it wasnt a problem in the beginning but the last few times shes caught you at an inappropriate time, perhaps youd be better tackling the issue of your sister and why your mum feels so desperate to get out of the house shes in, ie the way your sister behaves?

elsien

It's a mother thing - mine does the same and we've had a few heated conversations about it.
It's more the letting herself in unannounced thing that really bugs me as I'd never dream of doing it to her. Mum however has the perspective that her home is my home (even though it's a house I've never actually lived in) and she doesn't mind me letting myself in any time I feel like it, so in her head the same applies the other way round. She also doesn't mind me calling round unannounced, although I do tend to phone first. And don't mind being sent away again if she is busy.
It's also complicated in that she goes to fetch my dog when I'm working, so does let herself in then.
Having failed to get anywhere trying to talk to her (and explaining that if she walked in on me shagging on the settee, neither of us would be very happy) I now just put the chain on and refuse to answer the door if I really don't want to be disturbed. And if she asks, I just tell her I wasn't in the mood for company.
Don't feel guilty, just find ways round it.

marisco_2

Asking your mum to phone in advance of any visits, just to make sure it is a convenient time to come round, is not at all an unreasonable request. For your mum to get so defensive and upset is a daft reaction to such a normal expectation. I have a key to my fathers home and vice versa for use in emergencies. Neither of us would just pop by and let ourselves in unannounced though. That really oversteps the boundaries of peoples privacy in my book. By the sounds of it you have gone out of your way to offer support to your mum during a difficult time in her life. Personally I don't think you have done anything wrong in setting ground rules about future visits.