Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

GeckoGirl1985

meritaten wrote: »

so YOU pop in! on occasion, but I don't get that 'visits' need an invitation? I am confused here. it seems it is ok for you to pop in unexpectedly as in your mind its to 'do what is needed'. yet mum cant? double standards to my mind. its ok for you - not ok for mum. yet you leave doors unlocked and anyone minded to can 'walk in'! I think you need to think more about your home security - as well as your attitude to your mum.

We do not 'pop in' on her unexpectedly at all often without calling first, perhaps only once or twice in the past year, and that has been because of something quite urgent and we are only there for a moment. If we are planning to visit (check in on her, see if she needs help with anything, stay for an hour for a chat and a cup of coffee etc) then we always give her a call first to make sure she is home and ask if it is convenient.

ETA: My mum can be quite a difficult lady to get on with at times - she is stubborn and fiery tempered whilst I am generally very laid back and try my best to deal with difficult situations without upsetting people (which is why I'm quite upset about this evening). I do love her and try to help her whenever I can, but I love my boyfriend as well as we have been struggling to find time to spend together intimately.

meritaten

ok - I get that in your mind your 'popping in' unexpectedly is somehow different.
right now you have told your mum your boundaries and you will start securing your house - GOOD! you cant be too careful!

Mojisola

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

This was at first not too much of a problem, but recently she has now let herself into our house unannounced on three separate occasions when Bf and I are in the middle of making love.

Once would have been enough for me!

If I'd been the Mum, I would never let myself in again but, if I'd been you, the door would have been locked after the first occasion.

The second and third times it happened were your own fault!

bagpussbear

I think you did the right thing. Your mum is overstepping boundaries here, and being a little selfish in my opinion, though of course I understand she is stressed at the moment.

Why does she have to have a key? At the very least bolt doors at the moments when you want some privacy, if you don't want to take the key back.

Sounds like she has got the message loud and clear though, so I hope all is well now.

Dunroamin

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

She lives in the town centre so we visit her if we are going into town. I text or call her to see if she is home and if it is alright to visit, although if I do need to pop in unexpectedly, it is literally a 'pop in' - 2 minutes to say hello, do what is needed (collect post for example) then a kiss goodbye and we are gone. We don't show up for visits without checking first.

So you could walk in on her having it away?

busiscoming2

Hopefully your Mum will take on board what you have said. You should just keep your back door locked which seems the most simple solution for this situation.

GeckoGirl1985

Dunroamin wrote: »

So you could walk in on her having it away?

She is a single older lady so I would be rather surprised! But that aside, her front door is usually locked if she is busy, asleep etc. We always knock and wait anyway rather than just walking in.

In the past when I was younger (about 19 I think), still living at home and she had a partner I did make the mistake of rushing into her room when looking for something she had borrowed and disturbed them together. I didn't know they were home and was utterly mortified as you would expect! Ever since I have been careful to respect her private space and had hoped she would be the same. It didn't really happen that way though - she would come into my room without knocking, look through my drawers, even read my diary. I suppose I thought things would be different once I was older and living in my own home but she is quite set in her ways I suppose!

arbroath_lass

None of our friends or family call or text before coming round. If we need privacy the doors are locked otherwise they are all welcome to come straight in. They, in turn, would be horrified if we just knocked on their door and waited!


I've never understood having to call ahead but I appreciate others are different.

Scrapaholic

I don't think you are being unreasonable in expecting your mum to let you know if she plans to call on you . I always check to see if DD isn't too busy for us to visit . I don't have a key to her home or DS's home as we don't need to have them . Funnily enough , they both have keys to our home , which was their family home , and they let themselves in here ! Don't mind at all as we are way past needing a "lie down " in the afternoon !

Georgiegirl256

arbroath_lass wrote: »

None of our friends or family call or text before coming round. If we need privacy the doors are locked otherwise they are all welcome to come straight in. They, in turn, would be horrified if we just knocked on their door and waited!


I've never understood having to call ahead but I appreciate others are different.

Same here. We all just pop round to each others houses, maybe give a little knock on the door, but then just walk straight in. If privacy is needed, then the doors are locked, as they would be anyhow if we were upstairs.

I can't understand why someone wouldn't lock their doors? So if some one walks in on them, then that's their own fault.