Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

GeckoGirl1985

Hello all, I'm just looking for some honest opinions about something that happened this evening that is troubling me

A bit of background first;

If any of our friends or if Bf's family want to pop in for a visit they always call or text us beforehand to ask if we are busy and can they drop by. In return we always extend them the same courtesy if planning to pop by - call ahead to make sure they are not busy and we will not disturb them by visiting. If either party are busy (us or them) then this is politely explained and we make arrangements to see each other at mutually convenient times instead.

However, on a few occasions now we have had visits from my Mum that are either unannounced or with very little notice. This was at first not too much of a problem, but recently she has now let herself into our house unannounced on three separate occasions when Bf and I are in the middle of making love.This has lead to frustration and embarrassment on our part, as my Bf and I are often busy with work or other commitments so opportunities for us to spend quality intimate time together are limited and precious.

Now, a few weeks ago there was a fire at my Mum's flat and as a result she is having to live with my sister while the damage is repaired. This is quite stressful for my Mum, not only for the obvious reason that her home is in disarray but also because my sister is quite a stressful person to be around (bossy, moody, shouting at and nagging her kids constantly) and I can completely sympathise with my Mum wanting to get out of the house if even for a hour or two. Because of this we have made efforts to arrange to have her over for dinner, or to take her out to the cinema or for a meal but each time she has cancelled at the last moment. She then comes to visit us at home instead (we are looking after her cat) which would be absolutely fine if only she would call us first.


At around 6.30pm tonight (after a busy weekend away helping a friend move house) she let herself in unannounced and this time I was quite annoyed - I explained that she had disturbed us during our private time and that could she please phone us in future to let us know she would like to visit. I told her that she was very welcome in our home and that we had no problem with her visiting as long as we know she is coming beforehand. She got very upset and defensive, saying that she did not realise she needed to make an appointment to visit her own daughter and that most people are just sat watching telly at that time of night so she would not expect us to be doing 'that'. I told her that I felt she was being unfair and I was only asking her to call us to let us know she was wanting to visit. She went to leave in tears, although after a few minutes she calmed down and we were able to have a normal chat for half an hour before she left. As she left we had our usual parting hug and kiss on the cheek and I said again that all she had to do was call ahead.

I'm torn - I feel horribly guilty about having to put my foot down and upsetting her, especially when she is very stressed and unhappy with the problems with her flat and living at my sisters, but equally I do feel that we have made an effort to make time for her and take her out which has been 'snubbed'. I do not feel that it is unreasonable to ask that our privacy is respected.

What do people think? Have I been unfair? What would you have done in a similar situation?

Torry_Quine

Oh dear, this is an awkward situation but your mother needs to realise that it's not appropriate to let herself into your home like that.

If she doesn't agree to checking first that she can visit then you may have to ask for her key back. Could your sister or someone else act as an intermediary?

whitewing

If your mum had her own place, I would totally agree with you.

She may be feeling unwelcome or intrusive at your sister's and now she can't even pop out to see you.

How about she can pop by unannounced from your sister's but not let herself in so that you can all pretend you weren't interrupted!

Tigsteroonie

She's letting herself in? Get the key off her!!

If you don't fancy that confrontation, then change the locks and pretend that you had to do so because you lost a key (or saw a burglar or whatever). Then don't give her a replacement key.

caeler

I would have thought your mum would have realised she shouldn't just let herself in unannounced after the first couple of times of catching you 'at it'. I would be furious. I have a key to my mums house but she always knows when I'm popping over and roughly what time I'm expected so I use my key. If its an impromptu visit (which is incredibly rare because I dislike impromptu myself) then I ring the bell and wait for the door to be answered. I hope she see's sense.

Dunroamin

Used you to pop round to your mother's place or did you ring first to make an appointment?

marywooyeah

I think you were right to say something and you should ask for the key back, you shouldnt have to walk on eggshells in your house in case she turns up. In any case, it cant exactly be nice for a mum to walk in on her daughter getting down either!

globetraveller

you could also have a security chain on. Good idea to have anyway. Or leave your key in.

mrcow

I doesn't matter. It's done now. Just be kind to your Mum, she sounds like she's going through a hard time. But you've said what you felt needed saying. Just make sure you ask her over soon and that she is made to feel welcome (I'm sure she would anyway).

For what it's worth, you all sound very close and that you care about each other very much.

quidsy

I don't think you are being unreasonable, turning up unannounced & letting herself in is rude, what if your bf was alone & walking around naked, it is his right to do so without worrying about his gf's mum rocking up at all hours.

It isn't just "her daughters" house, it is your bf's home too & for that alone she should have more respect.

GeckoGirl1985

I forgot to say, she doesn't have a key - she is letting herself in through the back door which we leave unlocked when we are home. Perhaps this is foolish of us but then we are not used to having unexpected people simply walk in on us! Luckily tonight we were upstairs when she arrived so out of sight, but she could have easily walked in on us in the living room. My feeling is that we shouldn't have to lock the doors to our own home just in case somebody walks into our house unexpectedly. Not only that, but when she does arrive out of the blue it is still frustrating for us to have to stop mid-act if you know what I mean.