Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

Cottage_Economy

Soleil_lune wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: That bolded sentence made me laugh!

OMG sounds SO much like some people I know. SOME I am actually related to too! They actually sound worse than my brother-in-law. And what a cheek that they wouldn't arrange anything, because they didn't know what THEY would be doing!!! I wonder why they never contacted you again though? Miffed at being 'rejected?

We tried to arrange specific times and dates with BIL AND SIL too, but they also would not have it, saying something similar.

My extended family rarely visit - as we live a couple of hours drive away now. And when they DO visit or we visit them, we arrange it a week in advance, so everyone knows what's what. Much better this way. My OH's brother used to drive me doolally.

Also, MY brother used to just turn up with his family with no warning too, albeit only about once every 3 months. Still used to annoy me though. It's like people think you must have no life, and have nothing else to do!

In later years we've discussed the cousins and why they did what they did, regardless of what we asked them to do. We found out that their family set up was odd - they were both married and had a child each but neither seemed to live with their wives, although the whole family maintained they were not separated and they all lived together. We never ever met their wives though.

It occurred to us a couple of years ago that maybe they were separated but keeping up appearance, and they would be picking up their sons once a week for an access visit. We speculated that sometimes they would take them somewhere for the day - we think this was the pub based on what the eldest of the two kids mentioned to me once. The times they didn't go to the pub presumably they either came to us or perhaps didn't have a weekend visit with their boys planned. But they never talked about their set up, even when asked, and neither did the boys.

It is sad in a way. If only they'd been reasonable and agreed to arranged visits they would have been welcome, although probably not more than once a month.

Instead they were boorish, rude and in the end unwelcome full stop. They drank too much, smoked in the house even though asked not to, and generally used our home as an extension of their local pub. Our feelings were disregarded. As I think were their sons.

melanzana

My neighbour across the way answered her door to whom she thought was a person in need.

When she went to the back of her house to get her purse and give him a few bob, he had run upstairs and stolen her jewellery. In a flash. He was gone.

That woman has never left a door unlocked since.

If it hasn't happened to you, and you don't have a guard dog, as many don't, take heed of your own security.

Most burglars are opportunists.

I still would say that going upstairs for a bit of relaxation or whatever, and leaving the back door unlocked is just daft. How could you relax?

Mother in this case knows back door is open and unlocked, and has enjoyed free entry at any time. Mother is right, the unlocked door says come in, come in, whoever you are, just not when we are at it.

I live in a very quiet area, but three houses have been burgled while windows were open downstairs and owners were upstairs. True.

I do leave my back door wide open when I am downstairs. But whether you think I am a nutjob or not, I wouldn't even go upstairs for a minute without closing the window or locking the back door.

It's really just common sense. And the insurance may not pay out if you have not taken reasonable care either.

Georgiegirl256

@soleil lune Why didn't you tell your BIL not to come round as often? How were they meant to know that you weren't ok with it if they didn't know any different? If people don't tell people that it isn't cool, then they're making a rod for their own back IMO.

Georgiegirl256

When I was little, I was always round my grandparents house, every day, sometimes after school, basically just anytime I felt like it and I just walked straight in (as did half the neighbourhood!), it's just the way it is with us, I can't imagine having had to knock everytime. They were family, it would have felt extremely strange and stilted to have had to knock. I didn't need an appointment to visit my own family, and vice versa.

melanzana

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

When I was little, I was always round my grandparents house, every day, sometimes after school, basically just anytime I felt like it and I just walked straight in (as did half the neighbourhood!), it's just the way it is with us, I can't imagine having had to knock everytime. They were family, it would have felt extremely strange and stilted to have had to knock. I didn't need an appointment to visit my own family, and vice versa.

I was the same, but times have changed, unfortunately.

It is different now.

Georgiegirl256

melanzana wrote: »

I was the same, but times have changed, unfortunately.

It is different now.

Yes, unfortunately. Nowadays I would be telling them to keep their back door (they never used the front) locked. I still would just turn up whenever though....I probably spent nearly as much time there as I did at home.

I loved the sense of community there was back in the 80's and before.

Soleil_lune

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

@soleil lune Why didn't you tell your BIL not to come round as often? How were they meant to know that you weren't ok with it if they didn't know any different? If people don't tell people that it isn't cool, then they're making a rod for their own back IMO.

I'm not being funny, but I can't get on board with this. It's all very well saying 'why don't you just tell them,' but the reality is somewhat different.

There's no way on EARTH to tell them that you do not want them coming so often, and that you don't want them to come unannounced, without them getting upset. How many people who think it's perfectly fine to just turn up uninvited, will be perfectly OK with you saying you are not happy with them doing this?

I don't think there is a single person on earth who would not be offended by someone saying 'don't come to my house so often please, and when you DO come, make sure you let me know first.' It's all very well people talking about 'assertiveness' and all that psycho-babble, but actually putting it into practice is another thing!

The vast majority of people who are annoyed with uninvited guests will NOT tell people not to come anymore, for obvious reasons. There is no easy answer unfortunately.

People should be more considerate and understanding, and not invite themselves over constantly. People shouldn't have to tell them!

And I agree with Melanzana. It was like you describe with me and my family too, pre-1980s, but times have changed, and it's no longer acceptable to just waltz into peoples homes anymore. Not in my world anyway. Me, and almost everyone I know have busy lifestyles and hectic schedules, and although we find time for family and friends (of course,) and they find time for us, just turning up unannounced is unacceptable IMO. Like I said, it's not the same anymore, and the very few people I know who are OK with uninvited guests, are people who are at home a lot, have a lot of free time, and have few commitments.

MrsE_2

Dunroamin wrote: »

Leaving aside this particular problem, I'm amazed that there are people who lock themselves into their houses except when they go to bed - I'd never dream of doing that unless I lived in a very rough inner city area with loads of crime. What a performance to keep locking/unlocking every time you want to let the dog out or go and pick some herbs when you're cooking. I couldn't live like that.

My front door has a lock on it thats a handle on the inside, but you need a key from the outside, so I just push it closed & it locks itself.

My french doors lead to my garden but this is enclosed by a 6 foot fence all around, the house is semi detached & the unattached side also has a 6 foot fence & 6 foot (locked) gate. So in the summer if I'm in & out I'm happy to leave the back french doors unlocked, when I'm up. But in the winter I leave them locked because I don't have a dog & I'm not in & out, in fact usually its dark when i leave for work & dark when I get home.
I live in a village, but we do have a small amount of crime, a nearby village had car thefts recently, but 2 had left the keys in & 2 were unlocked.

My son in laws parents live in crawley & their front door is one of those funny ones you have to lock with a key & if you don't its open, they only lock it at bedtime!!! I certainly would keep mine locked if I lived in crawley!

lostinrates

claire16c wrote: »

How often do you go in the garden though?

In the summer our back door is locked unless were in the garden that day.

In the winter we barely go outside so it's locked all the time.

I don't see why you'd open it unless you were going out? And then you'd just decide whether to lock it or not based on if you think you're going out there again.

Today I went into my garden nine times. I didn't need to hang any washing out today. Tomorrow I hope to do three loads of washing, so that will be an extra few trips in and out, but I can take two of the trips in and out off the list I think. My absolute minimum times to outside in a day is six, dog comfort breaks.

Torry_Quine

lostinrates wrote: »

Today I went into my garden nine times. I didn't need to hang any washing out today. Tomorrow I hope to do three loads of washing, so that will be an extra few trips in and out, but I can take two of the trips in and out off the list I think. My absolute minimum times to outside in a day is six, dog comfort breaks.

This time of year I'm only ever using the back door if putting something in the bin. Makes no diference though as I always have it locked and am genuinely surprised that some people don't. :eek:

Mind you no washing is hung out from October to March as it won't dry so no point but even when I hang it out the door is locked when it's out.